Anyway, I'm feeling...stuck. I think that's the right word. My WH and I have been separated for over a year. Neither of us want a divorce, but neither of us has committed to R. Oh sure, I made the newbie mistake of thinking we were both committed to R just after D-Day, but that wasn't really the case. He maintained contact with the OW and I was a mess. I finally saw the light and basically told him to go fuck himself. I continued IC and worked through my own issues - best thing I could have done. Now, after all this time, I'm not sure what I want.
Here's my dilemma: I think I want to R - to work through our crap and rebuild a life together. But how do I know if I really still love him or am just scared of a life on my own? I have become an incredibly independent person over the past 15 months of separation, so I know I can handle it, but it's different when you know it will be permanent.
Does my question make any sense? Has anyone else ever had these same thoughts/questions?
Almost 2 years into this and it has really sunk in that we both have to really be commited to R. I always thought I would be, but right now I'm not 100% sure. I don't know if I want to go through all of that work.
I have been going to IC from the very beginning. I was fortunate to find a wonderful counselor. We started MC as soon as we could after D-Day. After I found out he was still in contact with the OW, I quit going with him. If he wasn't committed, it was a huge waste of time.
Why can't any of this be easy?
Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.
I used to defend him and why he wasn't doing anything to help with R. When I think back to those times, I'm embarrssed by having done that. I guess I just didn't want to see that he wasn't committed.
So I stopped suggesting R and worked on myself. I stopped defending him, too.
Since April he has been calling me and asking to see me. He tells me he misses me. He acknowledges my triggers and apologizes for hurting me (with sincerity this time). He actually answers my questions about the A without getting defensive and angry.
It's not much -I admit that. But this is the man that ran away when things got too "emotional" for him. Believe me, I take all of this at face value and I don't put much stock in it.
They are baby steps. If he wants R, there are other things he is going to have to do before I would ever agree.
I think you're asking one of the right questions, and that indicates you'd be going into R with your eyes open. That's a very good start. Your H's behavior is another good indicator, if his behavior supports R consistently.
But the only proof of a pudding is in the tasting - if you want to know if R would be a good thing for you, you could agree with your H to 'work on your M' as step toward committing to R. That's how you'll know. If you find yourselves getting issues resolved, feeling some joy, helping each other heal, etc., R looks like a good bet. If your 'work on your M' is painful or issue-filled, call a halt to the experiment knowing you're an independent woman. Easier said than done, of course....
[This message edited by sisoon at 3:33 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]