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User Topic: How do you know?
Healing2012
♀ Member
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been away from the forums for a while, but have been back for the past couple of weeks. I'm not sure why. Sometimes I felt like I needed a break from everything A-related and this place brought up a lot of triggers.

Anyway, I'm feeling...stuck. I think that's the right word. My WH and I have been separated for over a year. Neither of us want a divorce, but neither of us has committed to R. Oh sure, I made the newbie mistake of thinking we were both committed to R just after D-Day, but that wasn't really the case. He maintained contact with the OW and I was a mess. I finally saw the light and basically told him to go fuck himself. I continued IC and worked through my own issues - best thing I could have done. Now, after all this time, I'm not sure what I want.

Here's my dilemma: I think I want to R - to work through our crap and rebuild a life together. But how do I know if I really still love him or am just scared of a life on my own? I have become an incredibly independent person over the past 15 months of separation, so I know I can handle it, but it's different when you know it will be permanent.

Does my question make any sense? Has anyone else ever had these same thoughts/questions?


BS: Me (40)
WS: Husband (46)
Married 8 years
Two children 5 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 353 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I would have to see what his actions have been since the seperation. Is he in IC? Are you in IC? Is he trying to fix what is broken in him that made him cheat in the first place. Are you both in MC? All of this would be the determining factor on whether you can have a successful reconcilation. As far as whether you still love him enough to try and reconcile, only you know the answer to that question. I would not try and reconcile if he is not doing everything in his power to make himself a safe partner to be with. If he is not doing what he needs to do, then you have your answer. You know you can now make it without him and you can go on down the road if you have to, so the ball is in your court now. You say you want to R, but you both have to be willing to give it your all. I hope that helps a little. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Healing2012
♀ Member
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you! I really do understand what you're saying. It's weird because right after D-Day I thought I knew all of that, but I think I was just super scared and hopeful that everything would be OK if we both said we wanted to stay together.

Almost 2 years into this and it has really sunk in that we both have to really be commited to R. I always thought I would be, but right now I'm not 100% sure. I don't know if I want to go through all of that work.

I have been going to IC from the very beginning. I was fortunate to find a wonderful counselor. We started MC as soon as we could after D-Day. After I found out he was still in contact with the OW, I quit going with him. If he wasn't committed, it was a huge waste of time.

Why can't any of this be easy?


BS: Me (40)
WS: Husband (46)
Married 8 years
Two children 5 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 353 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What about him? What has he done during this time?


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13646 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Healing2012
♀ Member
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Up until four months ago he did nothing. We went to MC together for the first three months, but then I discovered he and the OW were in contact. I stopped MC - there was no point.

I used to defend him and why he wasn't doing anything to help with R. When I think back to those times, I'm embarrssed by having done that. I guess I just didn't want to see that he wasn't committed.

So I stopped suggesting R and worked on myself. I stopped defending him, too.

Since April he has been calling me and asking to see me. He tells me he misses me. He acknowledges my triggers and apologizes for hurting me (with sincerity this time). He actually answers my questions about the A without getting defensive and angry.

It's not much -I admit that. But this is the man that ran away when things got too "emotional" for him. Believe me, I take all of this at face value and I don't put much stock in it.

They are baby steps. If he wants R, there are other things he is going to have to do before I would ever agree.


BS: Me (40)
WS: Husband (46)
Married 8 years
Two children 5 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 353 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you're asking us to predict your future ... I doubt that anyone has that skill.

I think you're asking one of the right questions, and that indicates you'd be going into R with your eyes open. That's a very good start. Your H's behavior is another good indicator, if his behavior supports R consistently.

But the only proof of a pudding is in the tasting - if you want to know if R would be a good thing for you, you could agree with your H to 'work on your M' as step toward committing to R. That's how you'll know. If you find yourselves getting issues resolved, feeling some joy, helping each other heal, etc., R looks like a good bet. If your 'work on your M' is painful or issue-filled, call a halt to the experiment knowing you're an independent woman. Easier said than done, of course....

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:33 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9737 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 6

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