I'm not sure how I feel about this. I feel like the BS should have the right to make the decision of whether to stay or go with all the knowledge, and that the WS should confess if he respects her. But, I can also kind of see the point of view that confessing just relieves the WS's guilt while causing a ton of pain to the BS. My WS confessed, so this show got me thinking about it.
I loved the first season of that shows, but it's getting hard to watch now that this is a subject on it.
[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 10:47 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
An affair left secret constitutes lying by omission, every single moment of every single minute of every single hour of every single day of every single year.
The secrets and lies erect an impenetrable barrier to the emotional intimacy necessary for a healthy marriage.
Trust me on this. My husband kept an affair secret for over a dozen years. Did I suspect? Yes. But ultimately, I let it go---things were "good." Only we never--not once, not fleetingly, NEVER---again experienced anything resembling closeness in our marriage. (Obviously, my barometer of what was "good" changed dramatically. It changed as I started believing the subtle messages about ME, and the shortcomings that made this man so miserable.)
(About a dozen and a half years later, it was confirmed that he is personality disordered and not really capable of true intimacy; even so, the difference pre- and post- infidelity secrets was astonishing. And decimating.)
I spent those intervening years wondering what was wrong with me---what had changed in me that made it so onerous to spend time with me, talk to me, be with me, have sex with me.
The real issue is that there were secrets and lies between us.
And those secrets and lies were more important than me, our marriage, our family.
I never learned what those secrets were, except very superficially. There is no way I could have ever established a genuine, intimate marriage again (assuming he was capable, which it turns out, he was not).
And I don't think anyone ---regardless of his/her spouse's mental wellness---can re-establish emotional intimacy when there are still lies and secrets.
[This message edited by solus sto at 11:08 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:36 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
Besides, a WS who hides her cheating is vulnerable to spilling the beans inadvertently or to having the ap or friend of the ap show up at a bad time.
Truth can hurt, but a lie that explodes hurts way, way more. JMO, of course.
But I sure wish my W could have kept her A between her therapist and herself.... Oops, I forgot. ow showed up on our doorstep on D-Day...I suspect she would have happily spilled the beans if I had been clueless.
[This message edited by sisoon at 3:39 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]
"I'd rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie."
The A was not told initially to me by Nearly ExH and I will never forget that detail.
It came up during false R and he actually told me, to my face, "I'm glad OW told you, because I don't think I ever would." He would not face me eye to eye when this statement was made, either.
TT followed and still I learn something "new", but as I said, not hearing it from him hurt.
It's also my two cents opinion that it's cowardly to not confess and causes it's own slew of problems.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
It is sad. Marriage will look a lot different in 20 years with the hook up culture today in full force.
Actually, I should correct myself. SOME spouses, when asked, honestly would not want to know, or wish that they didn't know.
I have found that MOST ultimately are glad that they know the truth and were given the option.
I suppose you don't REALLY know how you would feel until it is too late. But personally, I disagree. I would much rather have an honest marriage than live my whole life being lied to.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."