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User Topic: Respond to x-wife attempts to get back together or NC?
HopeFloats2272
♀ New Member
Member # 39264
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((32mor))

itainteasy said exactly what I was thinking!!!!

I like the "there is no future for us" response but it is far more painful to know that you are not even worthy of a response and it sends the same message.

So glad you have happiness in your life now!!!!


BS- 40, WH 38
Married 13yrs, 2 Sweet Boys-5 & 9
DD#1: 1/10/12- 6mo EA
DD#2: 8/23/12-revealed 1PA, 2ONS in 2010 and 1EA/PA in 2004
DD#3: 9/10/12- ONS w/friend in 2010
Lots of other crap and TT - basically I was married to a guy that forgot he was

Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Maryland
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what the best answer for you is, but I think you need a Devil's Advocate here, so I'm volunteering.

I think the note you've drafted says you're still in a lot of pain from the discovery of the A, false R, and the D, as does this thread. That means, IMO, you're letting the pain do our talking, and that may be different from what you actually want.

WRT her focus on herself, one of my main concerns WRT choosing R was whether or not my really wanted me - if she didn't want to be with me, I didn't want to R. In other words, a lot of what your XW is saying is stuff I needed to hear from my W before I committed to R. Of course, the real issue is if your W is telling the truth, but you can't tell that from her note, although I agree there are more reasons to doubt than to believe what she says.

You say you're happier now than when you were with her, but is that because you are done with her? Or is it because you're in so much pain that you can't imagine ever healing? If she becomes truly remorseful, and if you could get over the pain, would you want to R?

Let me be plain: I think you may very well still be ambivalent about D. If you really were happy she's gone, I think you'd reply with something like, 'No, thank you.' Maybe you'd add, 'BTW, I thought initiating and completing D said very clearly that we have no future together.'

The question, as usual, is what do you really want?

If you really want D, I'd suggest a simple, No thank you' response would be a good idea, because that shows you received and read her note.

If you really prefer to rebuild with your X, I'd suggest laying out your requirements for R and seeing how willing she is to commit to meeting them. It's a longshot, but if it's what you want, what's wrong with risking some time, effort, and pain to see if she's really committed?

WRT your own pain, what are you doing to heal? Do you have a good support structure?


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Sisoon.

I feel sometimes, we as BS want so badly to hear what your XW said, but when we do we get alot of other BS's saying "I I I I and me me me" when we read what a WS said. But, IRL, how is someone suppose to express how they feel without the word I or you. If you really think about it those are her feelings which would be I.

Has she ever had remorse in her emails to you how sorry she is for what she did?

She seems to blame you but for her that may have been what broke the camels back to lead her where she went but the root problem was within the marriage and her.

I would sit her down and talk to her about the problems pre A. if you want to R. And get into counseling.

IDK.. I just see that maybe you are still in pain and may be thinking of R. Or else you would have shut her down by now.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, don't respond. Her message is all me, me, me. And your response contains FAR too much, "I'm glad OW taught you things I couldn't..." nonsense.

(He helped teach her how to lie and betray. Now that's in her arsenal. She's not a safe partner.)


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8342 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude...

The ex showed up on my front porch begging me to take her back about a month ago...

We've been split up for years... Her life went to shit... Lost her high paying job due to drinking... Now in AA...

I simply looked her in the eyes and said no.... I'm happy with my new SO...

I'd shut her down with a simple and direct sentence or two... Plenty have given good ones...

You're happier now... Keep that up and leave her in the dust...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5952 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because she has continued to contact you about getting back together, I actually think you should respond ONCE, then go silent regarding that topic.

Catwoman's response is unemotional, direct, and to the point. Go with that one.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
32mor
♂ Member
Member # 35105
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks sisoon, I wish you hadnít played that part but it does open up my mind to where Iím at in the healing process and why I chose to craft a response in the manner that I did. I wrote another response that extended what I said in my original post and stole some of the comments provided here, but after reading it 5 times, it is filled with too much emotion and I'm not sending anything just yet. Which means to me, that obviously Iím not healed yet. Not that I thought I would be after only 1 year, but it has shown me that Iíve still got a lot more work to do and that Iím not completely detached.

In many/most ways I truly am happier. I hate the thought of possibly being alone for the rest of my life and that my kids often have a heck of a hard time, but the proís outweigh the conís.


You say you're happier now than when you were with her, but is that because you are done with her?

We obviously had a lot of issues which led to her A, not making excuses for her but there were many things in the marriage that I did not enjoy and I now have a peace and calmness about me that I havenít had since prior to our marriage. There were many things in the marriage that I tolerated and built my own resentment as I knew I could not change about her.

Or is it because you're in so much pain that you can't imagine ever healing? If she becomes truly remorseful, and if you could get over the pain, would you want to R?

This is a valid point, as part of me would have a hard time opening myself up emotionally to anyone in this way and be totally vulnerable to someone. Iím not saying that I will not consider this but to do it again with the one person I trusted the most in this world? I donít see how I could ever get past this.

The question, as usual, is what do you really want?

Well I know that I never wanted her to have an affair and for me to be divorced at 40, try to raise 2 kids on my own half of the time, and have to essentially ďstart overĒ trying to find a new partner in life! But at the end of the day, I really donít see how I could EVER get past the dishonesty and pain that I endured last year to allow her another shot Ė I really donít. Despite the fact that I do not feel any of this is genuine, as it reeks of desperation (again part of not trusting) with her having no job or place to live shortly and it coming a year after the divorce is finalized, I am honestly not convinced that she truly is remorseful. Doing it for the kids and just so that I am not alone simply isnít enough for me, or really not the right reasons, which if I had to be honest Ė that would be the only reason I would even consider R.

I do want to thank you for opening up my mind to this as it really has helped me see where Iím at in the healing process and that I have a long ways to go. My ďcraftedĒ response was getting much too emotional and I could see where I was trying to passively-aggressively ďone up herĒ which tells me I still have some work to do. I think no response at this time is appropriate.

Has she ever had remorse in her emails to you how sorry she is for what she did?

Sheís told me that she was sorry many times. However, there ALWAYS seems to be a catch, like I tried for years to fix things, blah blah blah. We had problems, yes but I never thought it was to the point of divorce or that either of us wanted out. To me this feels very self-serving and excusing behavior which should not happen in a marriage. I simply cannot get past that part; you donít bend the rules to suit your own selfish behavior. Iíll totally own more of the ďmarital problemsĒ but donít see how I can get past (or want to for that matter) that she slept with someone, moved in with him 2 months later, got pregnant and had an abortion? Thatís just the summary overview with many more painful details for me to overcome. No doubt Iím still holding onto pain and anger, but I also think of what type of example and role model should this be setting for my kids?! This is way too much and too soon for me to even consider. Iím not trying to keep the door open for her, Iím just trying to ignore her and move on with my life.


Me: 41 BH
Her: 39 WW
Married 8 yrs, together 12
Two kids: 8 & 5
D-Day: 1/2012
A ended: 6/2012
False R and WW broke NC: 7/2012
D: 8/2012

You can't change the past.
Stop living in it.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Michigan
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have said and keep leading, but never just come out and say there is no definite future for us.

If you truly are not interested in resuming a relationship, I would respond but only because she seems to hold out some hope since you never definitely said there was no future. So my response would be "There is no future, definite or otherwise, for us."

Sheís told me that she was sorry many times. However, there ALWAYS seems to be a catch, like I tried for years to fix things, blah blah blah.

Her whole letter to you was full of "catches" so nothing has changed.



"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3968 | Registered: Sep 2005
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its hard to close that door totally especially when you are still healing. Part of you may wonder if you might someday want to open it up one day.

However, if you feel really good now being free from WW, it will only improve over time. And at that point, you will have even greater clarity on whether or not R is something you would even consider with her. And if she has moved on at that point and is with someone else, you will still be fine. Better than fine.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sheís told me that she was sorry many times. However, there ALWAYS seems to be a catch, like I tried for years to fix things, blah blah blah. We had problems, yes but I never thought it was to the point of divorce or that either of us wanted out. To me this feels very self-serving and excusing behavior which should not happen in a marriage. I simply cannot get past that part; you donít bend the rules to suit your own selfish behavior. Iíll totally own more of the ďmarital problemsĒ but donít see how I can get past (or want to for that matter) that she slept with someone, moved in with him 2 months later, got pregnant and had an abortion? Thatís just the summary overview with many more painful details for me to overcome. No doubt Iím still holding onto pain and anger, but I also think of what type of example and role model should this be setting for my kids?! This is way too much and too soon for me to even consider. Iím not trying to keep the door open for her, Iím just trying to ignore her and move on with my life.

Sounds to me like you are done and time to move on in your healing. I am so sorry. I think a simple message "I have move on with my life and am happier this way. Please do not send me these messages of us getting back together. God gave me a way out when you committed adultery otherwise we would still be married".

And then never respond to those messages.

I am sorry for your pain. And I am proud of you for how you have handle yourself with her messages.

thank you for clarifing in the above post. Blessing to you!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is some good processing 32mor. You know how you just did that? If your WW did that, maybe you'd be in a different place. But that's not what her message said. She isn't saying, "I have done XYZ to fix myself, and I will do ABCDEF to make things right." It's still whole lot about her. And that isn't how R work.

I think it is natural to take quite some time to really be detached and beyond someone that we truly loved and built a life with. I think it likely takes more than a year. But just because they are residual feelings, doesn't mean they are GOOD for you.

I do think it would be ok at this point to say, 'I have zero interest in getting back together. The divorce should have explained that to you." And then crickets from then on. Always.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6308 | Registered: Jan 2011
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that she slept with someone, moved in with him 2 months later, got pregnant and had an abortion? Thatís just the summary overview with many more painful details for me to overcome.

Boy....I can't imagine how you must feel. But if she did all of this and then took almost a year AFTER the divorce to start begging you back? And not very well mind you, I don't think she has her sh** together as they say. She is looking for someone to pick up the slack. She may be better off on her own and learning to grow up instead of looking for someone to take care of her.


Posts: 5613 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Syzy
♀ Member
Member # 15190
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes feelings aren't rational and neither are our choices but regardless I think it is fair to ask

1.What does she have to offer by way of work on herself?
2. What does she bring to the relationship?

I mean she wants to start over so would you accept where she is at right now in a new partner? and if you wouldn't why accept it in someone who comes with the baggage regardless if she is the mother of your children which frankly is all I can see is going for her.

You are happier now.
Yes there are things you miss understandably. Are they things you miss about being married in general or to her in particular?

and yes I can attest being ignored feels so much worse than getting a less than happy response.


BS
Dday Aug 17, 2006
R - what's that.
Me - Moved on long ago.
It takes two to make it work, but only one to fuck it up.

Posts: 945 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: So Cal
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anything you give her, she will clutch at and gnaw on. She talks about how you moved on, are doing great and didn't let her insanity prevent you from enjoying all the plans you made anyway - so she sees all that great shit, talks about how the OM helped her and taught her how to be a woman (protip maam: you have a vagina, that means your How To Be A Woman manual is not in the How To Be A Man handbook, but maybe that guy was reading from the wrong instruction set and was trying to be a pussy), throws a few subtle digs your way, kinda sorta owns that what she did was wrong BECAUSE THE M WAS SO BAD OMG but she wants to try again.

Anything you do is going to set off a bomb. Whatever it is be ready IMO.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7370 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
32mor
♂ Member
Member # 35105
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't thank each of you enough for some very insightful advice and thought provoking dialog. I wasn't expecting this thread to go where it did but it has been very helpful for me and I am so appreciative for all of you. I was so just going to fire off a reply to her first thing this morning but thought of this board first and so glad I did! I've read and re-read every single comment and as much as I wanted to respond to each of them as various posts struck me in different ways, a collective thank you will have to do.
Are they things you miss about being married in general or to her in particular?
This stuck out to me as you hit the nail on the head for my situation. It gave me the perspective I needed and the line of distinction, as it is being married and everything that went along with the comforts and security that I miss, not her as a person or something specific about her.


Me: 41 BH
Her: 39 WW
Married 8 yrs, together 12
Two kids: 8 & 5
D-Day: 1/2012
A ended: 6/2012
False R and WW broke NC: 7/2012
D: 8/2012

You can't change the past.
Stop living in it.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 35
Pages: 1 · 2

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