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User Topic: Respond to x-wife attempts to get back together or NC?
32mor
♂ Member
Member # 35105
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can see my profile for details, but to summarize I have been divorced for nearly a year and my x-wife has been pushing hard lately to get back with me. While it is very hard managing things as a single dad and I miss being married, Im honestly happier now. Plus she is jobless and may be moving in with her parents, so it doesn't exactly feel genuine. Ive been NC for nearly a year and so badly want to respond to this message something similar to the below. Should I send or ignore? I want her to feel some of the pain that I have but wondering if ignoring would have a greater impact.

You made a choice to have an affair, to seek what you felt was missing in your marriage instead to doing anything and everything possible to fix what was needed while still married. You chose to pursue someone else while still married. While I am happy that OM taught you many things that I could not, your choices have consequences. Whether it is your living or working situation, sacrifices that will need to be made, or the negative impacts with myself or the children, these were all your choices. Let me now be perfectly clear with you. What we had is dead. There is no future with us. I would rather chose to be alone for the rest of my life than to ever take a step towards you.


You may have resolved a lot in your life, and I am very happy for you, but I have not. With all this counseling and support group stuff, all I hear is how easy people give up on marriage, and that is what we did. We both gave up. I felt like especially after your accident you just shut down and worried about your stuff and just went into a mode of getting through each day and our connection was being lost. After trying to everything together for so long, I just gave up. Pain, anger and resentment set in because I loved you so much, that is why I would have never left, but we were not a married couple anymore, more like partners under the same roof. I never even had a thought before OM on something outside our marriage, but that situation and talking to him made all my frustrations and anger come out. It does not give me an excuse for what I did and I will never fully wrap my mind around why I ran to him instead of coming to you. I was a coward and took the easy way out and it was an escape.

With all that being said, let me make some things perfectly clear to you because I truly feel last year you did not make your intentions clear to me which made things worse and more confusing and why we are where we are today. OM was never someone I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and I know I said stuff about him and I, but I wanted all parties involved to hurt as bad as I did because I was in so much pain. I never stopped feeling committed to you or loving you no matter how I tried. I did learn alot from him about opening myself up, being a woman, what I want and dont want out of life. We cant go back and we cant live in the past and people change. We both have changed. But at the end of all this, I cant help how my heart feels. Even with all the destruction we have done to each other and the pain we caused, I still love you, my heart is still with you and I dont care about the past. I needed to find my way back and learn how to stop running and break my patterns. I am done and facing my pain and anger. I want my love with you back better than it ever was before, I want our family back, I want to have an intimate, love-making life like never before and give myself completely. I want a future with you and know how strong we are because we overcame the impossible together and can do anything together, and will raise our children with that same passion. We are both very smart, driven, passionate and stubborn people, so I am no fool to know it would be alot of work and time.

You have said and keep leading, but never just come out and say there is no definite future for us. I know how you feel for what I did, and you may not love me anymore. I see how you have moved forward with all our plans, like Disney, camping, boat and jet skiis. You are doing all the things we talked about together. I know you did the family room how I(we) wanted it when we first moved in, and I know about the girl you are dating. I just want you to know that we may never be together again, and I will let you go and move on if its truly what you want, but I never want to look back and regret not telling you exactly how I feel. I have to believe this all happened for a reason, and I believe in God will show me that. I only put myself out there to you, not as the mother of your children that you used to know, but a person you get to know for whatever reason in the future, like co-parenting or anything that would come out of it. I want that! This will be the last of this kind of talk because I know you hate it, but so much was not said through the whole divorce and past year, i feel it needs to be said. You are right, I need to starting gaining control and I will do that.


Me: 41 BH
Her: 39 WW
Married 8 yrs, together 12
Two kids: 8 & 5
D-Day: 1/2012
A ended: 6/2012
False R and WW broke NC: 7/2012
D: 8/2012

You can't change the past.
Stop living in it.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Michigan
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really think I have much advice, but I do feel for your situation. Based on the situation she has gotten herself into (jobless without a home of her own), I'd call it fishing and wouldn't take the bait. You are happy. Stay happy for you and your children.

After 2 years D and NC with WXH#1, he sent me an email indicating he and OW had broken up and if I wanted to get back together "just let [him] know." Word for word. Seriously WTF? We had no children (still wouldn't have gone there even if we did) and there was no way I'd put myself back into that situation. He had the attitude that he was doing me a favor by allowing me back in his life. Ha! Needless to say, I responded with crickets.

Hang in there.

***Edit - Not enough coffee yet.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 8:56 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I,I,I,I, me, me, me, me.

Not once did she tell how sorry she was for hurting you. How sorry she was for destroying your lives, how sorry she was for devestating her children.

Silence. She's not worth the energy.

If you must reply, keep it short and sweet: "There is no future for us."


Posts: 3383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Cookie7088
♀ Member
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While it is very hard managing things as a single dad and I miss being married, Im honestly happier now.

B-I-N-G-O!! You are happier NOW...why would you want to open a can of worms....

No response...walk away...step away from the Cookie Jar....nothing good can come from responding! Whether it be closure that you need, or her worm on a string -- it isn't worth it...look forward to a postive future. You've already taken a bite of that rotten apple!


Posts: 662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

34mor-I find it amazing how a WS can try and twist the blame onto the BS.

"I'm Honestly Happier Now." is your answer. Put that on a little sticky all over the house, desk at work, car, wherever you need to see it.

Maybe she is feeling the pain now but you can't fix her or her pain. she has to.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One response only, and then NC:
"You killed what we had. There is no future with us. I chose to be alone for the rest of my life than to ever take a step towards you.

Wow was email sickening to read:

all I hear is how easy people give up on marriage, and that is what we did.

Yes, dear. Divorcing you because of your A constitutes 'giving up.'
We both gave up

And now she's forgotten that would have been willing to 'not' get divorced, but that didn't work for her. (sorry I can't remember the specifics of your sitch, but I'm assuming that you didn't just wake up one day and decide to D her)
I will never fully wrap my mind around why I ran to him instead of coming to you.

Oh, boy. Thank you ma'am, for showing us all just how NOT fixed you are and warning us that you are still a bad bet. It's been over a year and she hasn't figured this out yet?
I was a coward and took the easy way out and it was an escape

Yes.
I truly feel last year you did not make your intentions clear to me which made things worse and more confusing and why we are where we are today

How is filing for divorce not 'clear'? Divorce is not instantaneous. Fix and own your shit, wifey, or the divorce that I filed will happen. Doesn't seem too confusing to me.
OM was never someone I was going to spend the rest of my life with

Gee thanks for destroying your marriage and damaging your kids for someone you knew that you weren't going to spend your life with.
We both have changed
Even with all the destruction we have done to each other and the pain we caused
I want a future with you and know how strong we are because we overcame the impossible together and can do anything together, and will raise our children with that same passion. We are both very smart, driven, passionate and stubborn people, so I am no fool to know it would be alot of work and time.

What's with all of this *we* talk...does she have fleas or something?
I have to believe this all happened for a reason, and I believe in God will show me that

And this always-wonderful, really hurt-dismissing statement is just the cherry on top.

32m, you've got her number. You know she's just fishing because her 'new' life sucks. And TBH, I think that her continuing to be in your face like this verges on cruelty.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8006 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning 32mor,

... Im honestly happier now.

Good for you (and your kids).

I want her to feel some of the pain that I have but wondering if ignoring would have a greater impact.

I say do not send, and go back to do some more reading on detachment. How mauch she is hurting is not really a factor in the success of your life.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I too saw the "we" stuff all over that page. And blaming you for her choices. So if she gets unhappy again feels "unconnected" to you again whats she going to do?

My only response would be....You made your choice and the consequence of an affair is a divorce.

But she won't hear it. So really it would be best to remain NC.


Posts: 5652 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a simple "no" would suffice. Then crickets.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2195 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After this much time, she's simply being pathetic. I'd almost have to reply, "Sorry, but you're not marriage material."

But NC is best. Stay the course.


If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14040 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm torn about responding at all, but if you want to respond, I would go with a combo of Thren's and itainteasy's suggestions:

"You are not marriage material and there is no future for us."

Then, crickets as purplejacket suggested.

How's that for combining 3 responses?


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2468 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I won't say if you should send it - but I have to say that is the best "Not interested" letter I have ever read!!!

I'm so glad for you that it is true!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No new advice, but you did say, everybody else is spot on. You are happier now why complicate things.

Good Luck 32mor


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally messed up my last post. I meant to say you said you were happy now.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
32mor
♂ Member
Member # 35105
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank each and every one of you for your helpful and thoughtful responses!

I think I'm having an extra hard time with this since today is the "1 year anniversary" of my divorce being final, so the irony is making it that much more emotional. Also, for the past 3 months she sends me similar types of emails, texts me, etc. and I've ignored EVERY single one of them! I just feel like I need to say something to shut it down, but you are right that she may not even hear it.

And TBH, I think that her continuing to be in your face like this verges on cruelty.

I couldn't agree more. For the past year I've been trying to figure out what my new normal will be, lately I feel like this anchor is pulling me down and don't know how to cut the rope. NC has helped but I just want to be left alone!


Me: 41 BH
Her: 39 WW
Married 8 yrs, together 12
Two kids: 8 & 5
D-Day: 1/2012
A ended: 6/2012
False R and WW broke NC: 7/2012
D: 8/2012

You can't change the past.
Stop living in it.


Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Michigan
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You are not marriage material and there is no future for us."

Then, crickets as purplejacket suggested.


The repeated attempts are wearing and exhausting.....even when you truly just don't care anymore.
I know that it IS probably best to just continue to ignore her drivel, and that responding in any way won't stop her nonsense, but I think that the above response is a good one to do for yourSELF.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:06 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8006 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Narcissist much?

Crickets. Lots of crickets.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No is a complete sentence.

With some people the simpler the answer the better. "No" doesn't allow for misinterpretation. It's crystal clear.

Whatever you decide, I hope she gets the message and leaves you alone.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5094 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my version would be, "LOL, are you fucking KIDDING me?"


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my ex starts in on the fishing, I tell him something like this:

The peace and contentment and happiness I have in my life now was hard-won. I have no interest in going backwards, and a relationship of any kind with you would be just that. A relationship of any kind also demands the sort of honesty and emotional vulnerability of which you have repeatedly shown me you are incapable. The answer is no.

That seems to shut the door pretty tightly for me, at least for a while.


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29611 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 35
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