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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need advice Re Mil and Stepdaughter
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Quick Background: We have been separated almost 6 weeks. I am still in communication with my step-daughter (17). She lives with WH full time. I understand from her that WH had to travel for work and flew his mother in to stay while he was away. MIL and I have never been super close. We get along but I think she resented that WH and I did so well together. One other interesting point - she told me back at the end of December that WH and I need to put our big girl/boy pants on and work on us to keep our marriage together for the sake of our stepdaughter. I do not know what she knows.

My stepdaughter has been wanting to stop by and see me but for my own sanity I put her off and said we would go out to dinner after I go back from my trip which I did yesterday.

I have not said anything to her about dinner; however here is the question. Last night I received a text from my MIL asking if she could join my stepdaughter and I for dinner. She said she knew it would be awkward but that her and I could deal with it. I am trying to figure out why she would want to join us and how to respond. I can't see that she would want to speak with me about what is going on because it would not be just the two of us. Boredom, maybe? Keeping an eye on what is said, IDK? Any thoughts?


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I would go with the both of them and fill them in on everything.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she is hoping that a dinner with the 3 of you while WH is out of town will feel "normal" and she wants to bring some normalcy to DSD's life. Kinda like playing "happy family" but not as weird because she is grandma.

Do you know what DSD wants? I would say go with both of them for DSD's sake, unless DSD does not want her grandmother there.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17684 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too would leave it up to your step daughter.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13798 | Registered: Jul 2011
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask DSD "Hey, I'm back! Did you want to have dinner with just you and I or would you be more comfortable with grandma there?" Good luck!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2270 | Registered: Oct 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a slightly different take on this. This is likely to be difficult for you and I can see a scenario where the two of them might feel like (or actually do) they are ganging up on you. I'd politely say no thank you, I'm looking forward to spending alone time with DSD, but how about you (MIL) and I go out another time?


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This makes me nervous for you. I, too, would consider meeting SD by yourself, if you want to, and MIL another time. Maybe a plan would be good to meet each separately and then together, but I would hesitate, too.

I know that it's not the same, but DD acts very different when different people around and for her, she wouldn't know to act "natural", FWIW or if it makes any sense to share that. It would be more awkward for her as a kid with more people than one on one and if you wanted to say anything "real", she may be pressured inside of herself not to and just make small talk. But I also know that sometime that's necessary and ok, too.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going on Saturday.

I asked DD what she wanted and she said lunch was fine. Ok whatever. I know I will have to pay as well, but I heard from SD that MIL leaves on Tuesday so I won't have to worry about this problem again.

Now to just get through lunch without telling MIL what an f-tard her son is.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Luck, Stung!


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If DD goes to the restroom, I would definately fill the MIL in on everything, or at least plant some seeds....

Why hide it?


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Jan 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thinking what Homewrecked is thinking. Good luck!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really is true that blood is thicker than water and eventually, M-I-L will side with her son, no matter what he has done.

If you plan on D, I would just suffer in silence through the lunch without getting into it with M-I-L. I wouldn't draw her into it. But I'm a conflict avoider so what do I know ?


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Topic Posts: 12

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