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Newest Member: darkchyld (45368)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Second Generation Faulty Picker
meaniemouse
♀ Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you do when you see your children making the same mistakes you did--and since you made them first, you know the outcome will not be positive?

I've spent the last several days nursing my oldest daughter through yet another break-up with the same young man she's been involved with off and on for the last several years. They date, it goes well, then it doesn't and he breaks up. She licks her wounds, gets back on her feet and he comes back and the process starts all over again. This is at least the fourth time it has happened. She is a beautiful, smart, funny and successful girl but continues to be gobsmacked by this guy.

I swear I'm not projecting but this dance they are doing comes directly from the playbook that was my marriage to her father. She believes he's "the one" because they make sense from the outside. On paper. Similar backgrounds, similar goals, blah, blah, blah. She has been successful at everything else, so she thinks if she just works hard enough, is patient enough, it will finally dawn on this guy what a catch she is. Almost like the harder she has to work for it, the more worthwhile it will be.

OMG did she not learn ANYTHING from watching me dance to that music for 25 years? Or maybe I taught her too well without even realizing it. We've all been to therapy to deal with how my POS ex treated us. She's going back to help her get over this once and for all. I know she will be ok. But for the life of me, I don't know how to help her so her life isn't my life, take 2.

It will break my heart if that's what happens. Seriously.



Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2127 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((MM)))

I don't get it either. And after all I have suffered through to protect them, and try to teach moral standards and good choices -I don't understand why they can't see it!


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you told her what you've posted here?


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes they just have to make their own mistakes. As a parent it really hurts to watch this happen.

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a relationship that feels comfortable. We often marry someone with the same or similar issues as a parent.

I married my mother and dated my father .... Maybe next time around I'll get it right?

Hugs, it does hurt to watch. I hope all our kids can see the familiar family patterns, and create new healthier patterns to deal with life .

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5284 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a relationship that feels comfortable. We often marry someone with the same or similar issues as a parent.

This^^^

She is so use to the dynamic of an unhealthy relationship that it is now what she seeks out, without even realizing it.

I grew up telling myself that I would never end up with someone like my father. Guess what, I ended up with someone exactly like him, if not worse. Luckily, I realized this before having children with him and was able to get out.

It's great that she is going back to IC. She need to really focus on her issues with her childhood or she will just keep repeating these same mistakes.

If she hasn't already she should read these books:

Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft
How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved: Sandra Brown

Reading these were what really opened my eyes to the pattern I was stuck in. But I wanted to change, I was desperate to change. If she hasn't reached the point where she really accepts this isn't what a healthy relationship is, she won't see that it needs to be changed.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always heard that you marry someone ether just like your parent, or the exact opposite.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
meaniemouse
♀ Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for the responses. She is like me in that we both believe in "bibliotherapy"--reading as many books as possible on things like this so I'll definitely be encouraging her to pick up those two books, Jennie.

And I have told her exactly these things, more directly this last week. I've been trying to walk a fine line by using myself as an example but not mentioning the elephant in the room, her father. Although it's obvious to whom I'm referring when I talk about me, I'm trying to take the high road and focus on the fact that it was me that made the mistake to stay in the unhealthy relationship because of MY issues.

Of my three daughters she is the one who is closest to her father, not that he treated her any better than the others, but because she wants to give him the chance to be a stand-up guy, to have her back and to be the kind of father that every girl needs. You know--the kind that would walk through fire for her and stomp on anyone who dares hurt her. The one time in recent memory when he actually did something like this she was so grateful it nearly broke my heart. Kind of like watching someone in hell asking for a few drops of water and finally getting it.

He was (is?) a serial cheater and not really very nice to me--ever-- but when the girls were younger, he treated them better. He just doesn't know how to deal with adult women except as sex objects. Thankfully he wasn't horrible enough to cross that line with them, instead he just started treating them like he treated me. So when I caught him the last time I was done, no looking back.

A note of caution from this story--staying together for the "sake of the children" can definitely backfire when they are adults. AND--You dads whose ex-wives are making it difficult for you to stay in contact with your kids--ESPECIALLY your daughters--don't let them get away with it! Do whatever it takes to continue to be a part of their lives in a significant way.

There is nothing and no one that can ever take the place of a loving, concerned and devoted father. And for those girls who miss out on that--there is absolutely nothing that can make up for it later.

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 1:38 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2127 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 8

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