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User Topic: Lost. Should I go on vacation with him?
Shelz
♀ New Member
Member # 40126
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I've known for like 8 months now. He isn't entirely remorseful but says now that I can go through his email. After he deletes everything. But to be fair I haven't looked because I've been attempting to sort myself out.

He wants to plan an anniversary trip (7 years) to New England. Should I go? A cabin in Vermont.

I can't imagine having sex with him. Trust is sex in my book.

I want to tell him that this is a dealbreaker, considering I was open to an open relationship and he still cheated. He cheated with a subordinate for years.

I should tell him it's over right? It's been a year -- I tried MC. We have a 3yo and I am SAHM. I'm done. Scared to pull the plug for some reason. Is it me? Why can't I pull the damn plug?


Now that she had nothing to lose, she was free. (Paulo Coelho)
me-- BW SAHM, 1 DS. Somewhere in land between R and S.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2013
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went on an anniversary trip with WH 5 months after DDay. We went to NYC and left the kids with my parents. It was nice and there were no expectations of intimacy.

I really don't have any answers for you, but I noticed your post had fallen off the first page without any replies and I wanted to bump it up so someone wiser than me might be able to help you.

My last piece of advice....be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for what you haven't done since DDay.

He really should be giving you access to his emails though (and not after he screens them).


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2012
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not go on vacation with him. It sends a mixed message.

In your shoes, I'd be inclined to say, "The affair and your continued lack of <remorse, transparency, fill in the blank> tell me our marriage is over. I don't want to go on vacation with a man I gave my life to only to be betrayed. Unless you have big changes in the offing, I'm opting out. Of the trip and the marriage."

I think it VERY likely that an anniversary trip would be very, very triggery and painful. He's not been IN the marriage. How can he pretend there've been seven years worth celebrating?


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8841 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
TheRealDeal
♀ Member
Member # 39560
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Though the devastation of infidelity is the same each couple's situation is unique.

It really is a personal judgement call.

I recently went away for long weekend with WSO. I was a bit hesitant but went anyway. Mine wasn't for an anniversary gift so it might be different for you.

I'm ultimately glad I went; we were able to relate in a different environment and in a bit more relaxed manner.

The greatest trip ever? No, but it was nice.
Mixed message? Yes, perhaps, but it seemed right for us and that's all I can consider.
Regrets? none


Me: 45, him: 54
together 18 years
DDay1 March 2013, Dday2 April 27, 2013, Dday3 June 1, 2013
We are in R and trying to make it
Never lose yourself trying to hang onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Northeast
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He isn't entirely remorseful

As long as this is the case, then I would not go.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13807 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you really want to tell him that it was a dealbreaker, then tell him to cancel the trip and use the money on a D attorney.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have always traveled. We have taken several trips since. DD. They have never been the same. I feel very disappointed in him. ANd it doesnt go away on a trip. And if he does anything questionable, it seems to be x10. Expectations, even tho you try not to have any, seem to magnify. I just got back 3 days ago. Still not so fun. Still had a fight. Still couldnt wait to get home. For us, traveling was a gift of love. Now, not so much. See my name? Now its part of the anger. I mentioned before, its like a measurement of what you should be but arent any more. Just kind of hits you. And you notice how happy people are around you. i stay busy and funcion well now, while at home. Traveling and those past happy memories are upsetting for me. As for him, he really expects it to be great. Just has no clue. Doesnt understand that the slate is never cleared.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 944 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
brokensunflower
♀ Member
Member # 38674
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you got to follow your heart my husband cheated and we just recently went on a family trip it brought us closer .. like I said follow your heart


me 33
him 32
6 wonderful kids 12 yrs 8 yrs 5 yrs 4 yrs and 2 yrs ..and new baby
married 10 years together for 12 yrs
working on R

my give a damn is busted


Posts: 225 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: cold ohio
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's amazing how differently we all choose to respond. For me (not for you--I can't answer for you), I'd go. But if you haven't been intimate yet and can't imagine being intimate yet (or ever), then a remote cabin in Vermont might not be the best bet. What if it were a trip to the city? With plays and museums and shopping as diversions? You could find a park and stroll and chat if you need to be alone, but you wouldn't be forced to be alone.

Even though it's been 6 months for us since D-day, the trust hasn't had many opportunities to be repaired. One opportunity HAS arisen and he jumped on it, so I feel we're headed in the right direction. The jury's still out. He's sad and sorry that he hurt me, but entirely remorseful about the whole A? Nah. Not yet. He's closer than he was just a couple of months ago, though. I like the direction it's going as the fog lifts.

My conscious decision to choose R over D led me to also choose to show my WH--with words AND actions--how much I love him. In spite of all he's done to me, in spite of all the hurt, I felt like he needed to know that. I felt like that emptiness inside him is what made him vulnerable to the A. So, yes, my fWH and I have been regularly intimate. We'd have engaged in HB, I'm sure, but he was dealing with ED/impotence issues and wasn't feeling very connected to me, emotionally, on D-day (and before). As we've rebuilt our relationship, the ED has become a non-issue. That, almost more than words or other actions, has been a sign to me that he's vested again in our relationship.

So, yes, my trust in him is still scanty, but my love for him is enough to override it. For now. Eventually, I want more. I'm expecting more. It's a gamble, but it's worth the risk.

My eyes are wide open; still, my heart will be broken again if he succumbs to the allure of another A. But I'll have known I did everything possible to rebuild my M and will know there's no chance of R.

Perhaps you can set aside the trust issue for just a moment and see if you can envision a future with him, if you can see him fathering another child with you, if you DO love him. If yes, then decide what you're willing to do to enable that future together. If no, then you might have your answer.

I'm sorry you're here. I understand the fear and the pain. I wish you all the luck (and support) in the world.


[This message edited by RippedSoul at 4:30 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
pearlharbr
♀ New Member
Member # 38072
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I would not go on an anniversary trip with an unremorseful WS. What is there to celebrate?

We had a trip to Europe planned for a month after Dday. My H still thought we should go, I was incredulous and I cancelled the trip immediately.

We did go on a trip over the first anti-versary. It was good overall but there were still some bad moments and I broke down crying one day. We love to travel, it was sad for both of us that this shared passion was tainted. It was probably about 2.5 years before I really enjoyed travelling with him again.


Me: BSO, 40 / Him: WSO, 40
Together since 2000
DDay: 11/08 A with COW
Reconciled, Married 12/11

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: PacNW
Topic Posts: 10

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