What is it? I struggle with this everyday. I want to forgive and move forwards but it still rears it's ugly head every once in a while (most of the time now it's when were intimate).
I feel angry but not homocidal; this may be progress.
I read that forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past will change. That sounds more like acceptance than forgiveness.
To me forgiveness has meant that "I don't like what you did and I'm still hurting but I'm willing to work this out as long as you understand the deepeness of my pain and want to HELP ME get through this"
I read something the other day:
Men forget but never forgive
Women forgive but never forget
Forgiveness' is giving up the hope that the past could've been any different - Oprah
Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me - not sure who said this one...
What does this sort of forgiveness look like? No clue! I am just not there yet, not sure if I will ever get there.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
A few nuggets:
Forgiving is not condoning or excusing. It means admitting that what was done was wrong and should not be repeated.
Forgiving begins with acknowledging our pain but requires that we give up our anger or resentment (yeah, I really struggle with that one!)
Forgiveness can increase the forgiver's well-being and emotional health.Some people start the process simply because they want to feel better.
We can forgive, but not be expected to forget.
Forgiveness is free; trust must be earned.
Forgiveness is a process. You can start small -- very small.
Forgiveness is a choice. It is a gift given to someone who doesn't deserve it.
One may forgive and not reconcile, but one never truly reconciles without some form of forgiveness taking place. If the offender remains unrepentant and unchanged, then reconciliation is impossible.
Okay, so that's the super-edited cliff notes version, but I'm sure you get the idea. I'm on board with the "it makes me feel better" part!!!!
Whether I stay with him or leave him, in my heart I must forgive him and eventually her because I don't want to carry their poison. Forgiveness is about me; for me, so I don't carry around their crap. It doesn't make what they did right, or change it, or take it away. It means that I am responsible for my happiness, and I CAN'T be happy if I carry all that bullshit.
Carry it and let it weigh you down or let it go and you will be free!!!
I'm not there yet, but this is my goal
I'm definitely not here yet. This book - Women Who Run With Wolves also goes on to explain that forgiveness is a process and you have your whole life to get there. It also broke down forgiveness into percentages of being forgiven. It was an interesting take on how it's OK to not be able to forgive it ALL. Makes me believe there's hope.
I'm having a really hard time with giving up the woulda, coulda, shoulda's.
I replay DDay in my head a lot and fantasize about what I should have said/done. I become bitter with myself because I was someone that I NEVER imagined I would be. I feel I was weak and cowardly. I know I'm being harsh on myself but it's still lingering in my brain.
I did know something was wrong and I can't believe I was so stupid. Looking back on it, all the signs were there but I still couldn't see the forest for the trees.
I think ultimately, I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't have enough courage to walk away. I didn't have enough backbone to stand up for myself. I was afraid if I kicked him out, he was going to be with her. I was 8 months pregnant, I was home because of a serious car accident and I had just lost my job. I was terrified and I turned into someone I never wanted to be.
I suppose forgiveness does start there but I have no idea how to get there. And when you're there, how do you know you're there? I'm almost two years out but it's not getting better.
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack