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Newest Member: isuck (45366)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: he thinks i am cheating....
blessedbyluck
♀ New Member
Member # 37525
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 10 1/2 years out from dday. I was the ww, i have done everything I needed to do to show him I am 100% commited to our marriage. My issue is this and I am trying hard not to let it get to me but it does. My affair started on the internet and it was physical. My husband in the begining learned enough about a computer to be able to turn it on and check to see if i was still in contact. We've since bought a new computer, there are smartphones, ipads, nook all of which i use. He refuses ro learn to use ANY of it but if i even pick it up it's automatic i am cheating. I try to show him exactly what i am doing and he wants no part of it. Let me also add that i am married to an alcoholic who's family has NEVER liked me since i don't drink and i have in last few years been in church and have guided my kids in that direction. I KNOW I am not cheating and try my damndest to let him see everything I do.
How do I handle this? He refuses to learn how to check on me but still accuses me even when i try to give him proof that i am not.


Me: fww 39
Him: bh 50
together 19 years
married 17 years
dday 8/2003
two beautiful kiddos

Posts: 50 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: blessedbyluck
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you have been in R for quite a longtime and you are supportive of his healing. Has he said why he doesn't want to learn any new technology? Is he like me and is stumped by a lot of it? Or is he afraid to learn it in fear of finding something new? Is he open to expressing what you can do to help reassure him? Sounds like he is still struggling in his healing. Maybe MC?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:44 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 35933 | Registered: Mar 2011
blessedbyluck
♀ New Member
Member # 37525
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been in R a long time. For the most part we've made it through. I think down deep he KNOWS I am fully commited. Most of his family, him included, are very old school and narrow minded about a lot of things. They don't understand the need for technology. I am all for gettin into MC but there again the narrow mindedness comes in as they think therapist are quacks. I always tell him if he feels the need to question me or something is bothering him talk to me I'm an open book. What gets me is when i am on something he starts in about "your talkin to your boyfriends i know you are" but won"t even look at what ever it is i am on when i try to show him.


Me: fww 39
Him: bh 50
together 19 years
married 17 years
dday 8/2003
two beautiful kiddos

Posts: 50 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: blessedbyluck
RedRaven6500
♀ Member
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Gently) Does he say most of these accusations after he has had a few drinks? It may be the alcohol talking. Or it doesn't matter, it is whenever you pick up an electronic device whether he has been drinking or not? Just wondering if his drinking is allowing him to voice his fears.


BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 serious long-distance PA/EA's, several casual PA's, some at the same time. Classy
In R

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jun 2013
blessedbyluck
♀ New Member
Member # 37525
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly yes when he's drinking mostly. Once in a while when he's not drinking. His drinking has always been an issue. Even before i had my affair he accused me of cheating. When i got pregnant both times he accused me of getting pregnant by someone else and i hadn't even looked at anyone else much less cheated. My daughter is my 12 year old twin and my son looked nothing like my husband until the last year. I guess i am answering my own question in that his drinking makes him blow smoke or makes him insecure?


Me: fww 39
Him: bh 50
together 19 years
married 17 years
dday 8/2003
two beautiful kiddos

Posts: 50 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: blessedbyluck
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a chance the electronics could be a trigger for him now?

While I like some electronic things, it doesn't come easy for me to learn and I still like things the old fashioned, paper and pen and phone with a chord kind of way. Nearly ExH is so electronically oriented that he thinks all of the world should be and should be at his level-or that it should come as easily. He has a background in electrical engineering, which I think helps navigate this electronic age immensely.

Anyway...one of his parts of anger at me, apparently, was my wish to do things sometimes without electronics and he felt that I should be willing to get myself moving to the speed he is-IT management. He can't fathom that I just don't need to, FWIW.

And yes, I also wonder if your H worries he will see something incriminating...maybe a trigger, as I said already?

Drinking changes people in so many ways, maybe it feeds his insecurities or makes it easier for him to say them aloud?


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2297 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
blessedbyluck
♀ New Member
Member # 37525
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right he probably does trigger for him. I guess i am being selfish in a way that i want so badly for him to learn it so he can SEE I am being transparent. I try to understand him and i don't let him see that it upsets me when he accuses me because i know i gave him a reason to be like this. And when he starts in on me i put down whatever it is i am on, and put it down in a place so that if he chooses to look he can check on me but he won't do it. Thank you guys for giving me some insight on this.


Me: fww 39
Him: bh 50
together 19 years
married 17 years
dday 8/2003
two beautiful kiddos

Posts: 50 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: blessedbyluck
Topic Posts: 7

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