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User Topic: Separating the act from the person
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to know how to do this.

I don't want to look at my husband and always think of what he did. Literally, I can walk into a room and 'see' him at the computer or in that hotel room with the prostitute.

But he is more than his actions during that time. He is still a real person, with good qualities. He is still generous, sometimes self-sacrificing, and a good provider.

He is not ONLY what he did.

He still wants respect. Doesn't everyone? I should be able to respect him for the good things. I should respect him - the person - while still despising and rejecting the infidelity related things he did.

Exactly how does a person do this???

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:50 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate to this. There is a huge disconnect for me, when I look at my husband. For 20 years, I thought I knew who he was. I look at him, and I can't believe he did those things. I can't imagine him being that man. But I know he did, and he is, and that is all part of the grief. I want to have the same love and respect for him as I did before, and those feelings are almost like an imprint still on my heart and mind. But I have to accept him for who he is, not who I thought he was or who I want him to be. He's kind of a stranger to me, and I am relearning him.

You can't separate the act from the person. We are what we do.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I called this the "divorce of my husband from my husband".

There was really no way for me to get around that thought, until I looked at it like a divorce. My old H divorced himself, and the new H was a much better person. It took a long time of telling myself this, and dealing with the fact that both of those guys look identical, before it finally started to work. I had to start actually making myself think of the good things when I looked at him, and push away those thoughts of "but he did this and that to me".

It wasn't easy, but with time it worked. I think it took me about 2 years or so to finally get that "divorce" finalized.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my husband that I had divorced that husband. I had no love left for him. I have taken out a restraining order on him. I will not live with him anymore. It has helped, although it means that I have had to let go of everything of our lives before - every photo album, every holiday, every beautiful word he ever said to me. Gone.

I threw out all of our old love letters from when we were dating. He seems ok with this. I think actually he has divorced himself as well. That makes sense. He does not want that man to come back either.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing that helps me with this is that WH makes his disgust with himself clearly known. He can't even relate to "that" person anymore and can't understand how he ever could have allowed himself to get that way (work for IC!). So, I try really hard to think of him as the person he is now rather than the idiot he was for a while. Because he doesn't really like that guy either.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks doesitgetbetter...I think this makes sense...and get a small sense this is how my wife feels about the person she was during her affair...not her core person, but still a part of her...but she had to divorce her core to commit adultery, then she had to divorce this part of her to get back in touch with her core...her authentic self.

In some sense I have had to do the same thing...immediately following my DD I did things that were not a core part of me...I have had to make peace with my actions at that time, divorce them, come back to my core...and get a light to really explore my core...

I am still exploring...so cant really finish that thought. My wife is still exploring her core... It is unnerving to see parts of you you never new about or maybe never had the courage to even try to look at....

Back to this topic...the whole divorcing yourself.

The dang betrayal and hurt is so intense at times right now it is hard to stay focused on this truth. Selfishly I have urges to shut down...stop examining my core, stop supporting my wife as she explores her core, stop working on tough issues that we BOTH have had a role in. I think this is what you are feeling at times WhatisRight. hugs.

I pray a lot. I am actively nurturing patience...I am getting stronger...I stumble.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:40 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3655 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BFFGone
♀ Member
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a biggie for me.

#1, Have you forgiven yourself yet?

People rarely talk about this, but we, as betrayed spouses, are MAD at ourselves for not seeing the betrayal. Is any of this our fault? No.

We are mad at ourselves anyway. For being blind to it.

Reading my H's emails/texts to the different OW's....it didn't even sound like him. Who was this man, who I thought I knew every inch inside and out?? I was so mad at me for not seeing him for who he was, what he was doing.

It took me a long time after DDay to stop thinking of him as a schizophrenic.

I took down all the wedding and family pictures around the house. I don't wear my ring, I don't want a ring symbolizing all the vows he broke on my finger.

Now that I am 6 months into R, WH is,heavily into a recovery program...I am slowly trickling those pictures back in.

Ask yourself if you've let go of that anger towards you...acknowledge it, feel it, release it.

Then you can look at him as him. Move past what he did, and focus on what he is doing.

My IC helped a lot with this for me.
IC (with someone you trust and who gets you) is the best gift you can give yourself right now!

Love to you on your journey!!
Xoxoxo


I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BFFgone, I relate to a lot of that. I just realized, as I was reading what you wrote, part of what hurts is that, not only do I realize that I did not know him, but I realize that all along he knew that I didn't know him, and he knew I thought I did. Makes me feel like a complete fool. But I'm glad for the truth between us now.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess the biggest part of my problem with being able to separate the act from the person is that my husband does not show remorse.

He stopped the behaviors. We live together platonically. Most of the time it is civil. But the relationship has not / is not being healed.

That makes it harder to separate what he did from who his is in his 'core'.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand this too. My WS said yesterday that he misses the old us, and wants the old us back. I responded that I don't want the old us back because the old him lied to me and cheated on me, and the old me was naive and stupid. I think the comment upset him, which I can understand. But I meant it. I don't want that old relationship. I'm trying to build something better with him now, but I would never go backwards in time to when he was lying to me.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Jul 2013
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonelygirl...I admire your comment...

"I don't want that old relationship."

I am not there yet - even after 7 years. I am living in a void, and I would settle - even if for just a few moments - for him to touch me, or look into my eyes, or hold me. Even if I knew it was "that" relationship.

I have been living in a void for so long - I just want to be of value to someone - actually ANYONE. Good thing I have good morals and boundaries or I would for sure be open to an EA at the very least. I just simply won't stoop to that level to give myself a fake sense of being valued.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:14 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonelygirl...I admire your comment...
"I don't want that old relationship."

I am not there yet - even after 7 years. I am living in a void, and I would settle - even if for just a few moments - for him to touch me, or look into my eyes, or hold me. Even if I knew it was "that" relationship.

I have been living in a void for so long - I just want to be of value to someone - actually ANYONE. Good thing I have good morals and boundaries or I would for sure be open to an EA at the very least. I just simply won't stoop to that level to give myself a fake sense of being valued.

You are a valuable person. Your value doesn't come from your relationships or WS, it comes from within you. You are an individual, with thoughts, beliefs, and opinions. And that makes you have value.

But, I get what you're saying. You want your WS to see your value, and to appreciate you. I feel the same way.

I just recently got to this point this week. I got there by reading a timeline that he made me, and comparing it with the emails I had sent him during that time period. Seeing all the dates that he was having sex with her while I was sitting at home emailing him about how much I missed him and wanted him... it just set something off in me. I got angry at myself for all the nice words I had said to him during that time period. He was treating me very badly, and I was naive and dumb. I don't want to be that person, and I don't want that relationship. Even before the A started, I know that he had a ONS 3 months after we started dating. So, everything after that feels like a lie to me. I think his comment about wanting the old us back was referring to the time between ONS and A, but I don't want that time back either because I feel like it wasn't real. I was in love with the image he was portraying himself as, not the real him.

With that said, there is a part of me that sometimes wants to just put my head in the sand and pretend I don't know anything, and just be in his arms and be happy and naive again. But then my brain kicks in, and I realize that my need for comfort and security is not worth the way he treated me.

I'm willing to try to forgive him because I do believe that a person can make a bad set of decisions, and those decisions shouldn't define the person. People can change. Plus, I'm rediscovering him and learning who he is as a person, and I like that person. However, if I ever start feeling suspicious that he's doing anything at all wrong, I will leave him. I refuse to be that naive and stupid girl again that I was during the A.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 4:26 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 12

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