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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When will enough be enough for me?
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

84cf,

I'm sorry you are here. You are hurt and devastated because you are a person with some depth.

She is sleeping with someone else, mouthing the words. There is no doubt in my mind that she is not too worried about you.

What you have to realize is that you are the prize. You need to realize that you are not willing to have someone as shallow and faithless as her. Do you understand?

You. You are deciding that she is not good enough. It doesn't feel that way right now because you are alone and hurt while she isn't.

But you are alone and hurt because you aren't a shallow, deceitful person. It is natural to mourn. If you didn't, something would be wrong with you. Just like there is something wrong with her.

You need to close your heart to her as soon as possible. Go running. Start a new hobby. Get counseling. Seriously. This is a tremendous blow.

But do not, if you want to heal, continue to hope that she will change. Her words are like sickly sweet poison. They sound nice, but kill you, bit by sickly sweet bit.

You must detach.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

84, Today is my anniversary also. 10 years. D-Day was 18 months 5 days, 6hrs and 45 minutes ago, but who's counting?

I've personally been down this road 5 times with 5 different women now. From very bitter personal experience I will tell you that enough will be enough only when YOU decide it is. "What ifs and Why did she" only serve to prolong your pain.

I've seen that the 180 has been referenced to you. Here's the link. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 Please, please read it and take it to heart. N/C has been referenced. Any communication needs to be e-mail or text now. Something that leaves a record.

Yes, I'm going to recommend you see an attorney. Get the knowledge of what will occur in a divorce. I'd recommend you file and have the papers ready for her when she gets home. A sense of purpose will help alleviate the pain. She has not only done this to you once, it's the only consistent behavior she's demonstrated. A complete lack of ability to commit.

Please keep uppermost in your mind that you didn't cause this. You can't control anyone but yourself and you can't cure her.

Also, there is a second meaning to DETACH

Don't
Ever
Try
And
Change
Her

Damn, I truly feel your pain.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2993 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
84CF
♂ Member
Member # 40112
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now starting the process of negotiating the logistics of splitting up the things. Doing it by email so far, and I'm keeping it short and emotionally detached. But the feelings of rejection are overwhelming. This is horrible.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2013
MissMouseMo
♀ Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It IS horrible, and hurtful, but chin up. We're out here pulling for you.

Wishing you strength.


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 364 | Registered: Feb 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry brother, you are heard. anyone In Real Life you can talk to?

PM if necessary.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2993 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
84CF
♂ Member
Member # 40112
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the kind words, 5454real and MissMouseMo. Yes, I'm very lucky to have lots of good people IRL, too, to turn to. Trying to focus on that. It's just so hard to believe and accept that the primary person to whom I have turned for more than a decade is now the one doing the harm here, the one whose actions I cannot comprehend.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

saying how devastated and sorry she is for what has happened, etc. But of course I'm quite sure she is still continuing the hurtful behavior.

So sorry you're going through this just as I and so many others have. Hearing those words alongside actions that utterly contradict them and render them meaningless is so hard. Try if at all possible to shut down communication and work on the hard hard process of detaching from her.

She is not sorry. She is not devastated. These are words. You would know it and see it if she were either of these. She is sorry for herself.

Strength.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
cardnial
♀ Member
Member # 40382
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have been trying again and again to make it work. But I just found out my husband has yet betrayed me again. I am devastated

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Calif.
thecosmogirl
♀ Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big hugs!!!!

Lots of good advice and great people here.
Please take care of you!! Read the Healing library and the books recommended.
Remember to eat, drink and get some kind of exercise...even if you don't feel like it.
Don't stop reading or coming here whenever you want. This is the best place we never wanted to be.


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
84CF
♂ Member
Member # 40112
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm discovering more evidence -- scant but there -- of more secret email accounts, maybe even adult dating site usage. This is absolutely horrifying. Am I just stupid to have believed her? Am I a complete moron for having believed *in* her all these years?

This is going to really hurt more when the shock wears off. Why am I shocked at all? Because I am stupid, stupid, stupid.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2013
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why am I shocked at all? Because I am stupid, stupid, stupid.

If this is true, then you have 40+ thousand other people here that are *stupid* like you.

We trust our partners. Put all of our faith in them, with expectations of the same. That is how deep, emotional bonds are formed. And sometimes, our partners betray us.....and we wind up on infidelity websites.

It is hard for us to comprehend that not only did we choose the wrong partner, but that we lost so much time in our lives that we can never get back. Of course, this is not the situational for all of us here, but definitely for some---and I am sure that you are questioning yourself relentlessly. You can't undo the past---there are no do-overs. But there is a future, and it can be enjoyable, even without your wife. And that is the hardest thing for us to realize in these early days---that we can ever get past the betrayal.

You can, and you will, but you have to put time and energy into it. One piece of that energy has to be to detach from your wife. Did I miss any comments about children? That is the difference between NO contact and LIMITED contact, but either way, you will start to hurt less as you spend more and more time apart.

No contact= No new hurts. That is a saying around here. Start trying to implement this. Don't stuff down your natural emotions---Grieve, cry, rage(constructively)....work through these phases as openly as possible. Do not be ashamed to seek professional help and/or antidepressants if you feel they are needed. This is 84CF's time right now, and you need to focus on it.

Keep posting. Try to keep focus. You can do this.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take it easy brother. Just breathe a little! You are far from stupid! You are having a normal reaction to a severely traumatic experience ! She WAS your wife , your lover and your best friend and now she is gone. She is someone you do not know or want to know . You did exactly what I did and so many others on this site , which is to love unconditional. There is nothing wrong with you. You ignored signs that you didn't want to see. I did the same and felt the same as you , especially in the beginning . I could not function , I was throwing up ,I had physical symptoms from the emotional withdrawal .it takes some time but you will go through stages ,grief and mourning,bargaining, then onto anger. Stay there for awhile and use it as fuel ,in a good smart way! Stop beating yourself up , you did not cause this and know matter how much WE wish ,you and/or I cannot control our wives behavior . But we can control our own . I will not tell you to "man up" because I hated hearing that when I was in the beginning stages . You are a man! You loved unconditional , you forgave , you tried your best , you showed empathy, you admit your imperfections , you never got violent or abusive ( I hope) , you know when you had enough ! Whether you chose it or not. So I say you are much more of a man than she is a woman! As all these other people have advised , get a lawyer and start taking care of YOU and do not worry about what she is doing . I know this is hard and is easier said than done , but I am not just some friend of yours who is telling you. I am I guy who went through it exactly the same feelings . Take care of you and cut off all contact with her do that 180 and you can begin to heal. I hope I didn't rant too much but I feel your pain and wish you the best . Know that you are not alone in your battle! Good luck


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 679 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
84CF
♂ Member
Member # 40112
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180 has been in full force for the past two weeks. I've had only two email exchanges with her, the first on our anniversary, the second very short about the logistics of splitting the stuff.

No kids, thank gods.

I am saying these words of anguish and self-doubt here and to a therapist, nowhere else.

This is horror.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

84CF,

All I can do is echo TheFly's words of comfort and support. You are experiencing trauma--an utterly profound shock to your world. It is more than rocked. It has abruptly shattered.

One of my concerns in the early stages of my saga was that what I was feeling was not "normal." That I was reacting so incredibly intensely that there was no way this could be apropos of the situation.

I lost twenty pounts in two months.

I went to the ER vomiting blood.

No sleep.

Went on ADs.

Wailed primal sobbing seemingly out of nowhere.

Nothing helped. And it seemed like it would never abate.

But it has. Enough time--ten months in my case--has elapsed for me to move away from the early stages of trauma. I feel better. Note I say "better." I still wake up and cannot believe that this has become my life. I am divorcing the love of my life. She did not come to her senses and return to our beautiful family.

As so many on SI reminded me early on, we all have our own time frame, our own limits. You will know when you have had enough. I thought I did many times, but I did not. I hung in there for some more hits, some more trauma. And then one day (not out of nowhere; something yet again had happened) my mind quietly but firmly informed me, "Ok. I have had enough pain."

And I filed for divorce. No, the clouds did not part, the sun did not shine. But I no longer felt helpless, anguished in limbo, waiting for her to come back, my dignity, pride, integrity and masculinity in tatters. I had taken control of MYSELF. Not of her.

Please know that everything you experiencing is normal. If you weren't experiencing your torment, it would NOT be normal. You love her. You thought she loved you. She has abandoned you. Incredible, incredible psychic pain.

Please hang in there. This site as well as my therapist have been my lifesavers throughout this process. Keep posting. Don't disappear and isolate yourself in your darkness. Thousands of people on this site have walked the painful path you are treading.

Strength. You will get through this and know when you have had enough.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength to you!
The 180 is your friend.
NC is your best friend.
Keep on keeping contact to emails only for your sanity's sake - please.
Beware 'sucking you in' attempts.
"Hoovering"

Some people live lives of lies.
In order to avoid the pain of such hollowness, they seek familiar medication that satiates them for awhile. That's all.

Detach like 5454 said.
It's your way out of her madness.


Posts: 6650 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
84CF
♂ Member
Member # 40112
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling so angry these days, almost obsessively so. I am currently working to figure out the best, quickest, most efficient, and most painless way to get all of her things out of the house and it just makes me livid. In our brief email exchanges, she expresses that she is devastated (actually she puts it in terms of "we are both devastated by this terrible loss"). She says that she "doesn't feel liberated." She asks what she can do to make things better. WTF??? I'm trying not to respond with any emotion, but I did allow myself to say that she needs to admit that there is a serious problem, to seek out real help and commit to it. Her reply to this is that she is emotionally numb and will have to work on the emotional reckoning later once she has established herself in her new situation. MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. Regret but absolutely no remorse, absolutely no capacity to look inward.

What I can't figure out is why it still makes me so angry. There is no going back. We are finished. She seems to want that, in spite of her words. I am working on being able to want that fully myself. (More of me wants it, probably, than I am currently ready to accept, but it's so, so hard to accept.)

And so in the meantime I have to go on, day by day, hour by hour, hiding my emotion from her and from our mutual friends, hiding my anger, hiding my extreme sadness, hiding my horrible feelings of being rejected for what appears to be absolutely no real reason at all.

I am so fucking angry.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2013
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

84CF

Get your anger out here or in a gym or at a shooting range.

Continue to be cool, calm and dispassionate.

Your wife is so full of crap but you are too close to see all of it.

She is remorseless and has no regret.

Because she is sick. multiple OM, dating sites and she continued to lie right till the end.

Those are the signs of a sick person.

And as much as you do not want this divorce you need to embrace sooner than later.

Because the quicker and more fully you do the quicker you will heal

I had a fiancé like your wife. She did 5 of my closest friends while I was away on duty.

I walked away and never spoke to her again. And I took care of those 5 and never spoke to them either.

Do not be afraid to walk away. Sometimes it is necessary to save yourself. Do not be afraid to walk away from certain supposed friends. You will make new, better friends.

But most importantly let your families know the real reason for the D.

Not to hurt her but so they know just how sick and hurtful her actions have been.

Maybe her family can help her before she gets and std or meets up with the wrong stranger.

Save yourself!

HM64


Posts: 902 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is a good read for you. Let her go,

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/42520-developing-detachment-letting-go.html


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
84CF
♂ Member
Member # 40112
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your responses, everyone. I am doing everything I can to detach and move on. It is simply very difficult to accept.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know we blithely trot out all this good advice, but we do remember how hard it is pull up roots and move on. The pain is unbelievable and so is the crushing humiliation and blow to our self-esteem.

All we can offer is the certainty that one day soon the sun will shine again and someone worthy of you will enter your life. Have faith in your future.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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