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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Last name
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate forum for this question, only because I am not serparating or divorcing just quite yet.

If I get divorced, I plan to keep my WH's last name. It's my daughter's last name, and honestly I don't really want to be associated with my FOO either. My current last name is the lesser of 2 evils, and it won't require me to go do all the name-changing crap I had to deal with after I got married.

My question is, does my future x-WH get a say in this? My first thought would be no - he gave me the damn name when he married me, it's my choice whether I want to keep it or not. But I've been very... squishy as far as he's concerned lately. Being concerned about his feelings when I shouldn't be. I've never been divorced (hell, I've only been married two years!), and I don't know what the social norms are.

Thanks in advance!


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. I kept my married name because I had it for 25 years and by then, it was our "family" name and I didn't associate with XH at all. My kids have it, it's "our" name. My maiden name is German and my name now is Italian and just goes better with my first name. XH had no say in the matter. I never talked to him after he moved out and didn't care what he thought about it. It's now "my" name.

In the final divorce papers, it says you can now go back to your maiden name if desired but I think you have a certain amount of time and then there is a court fee if you decided to go back to your maiden name.

It's such a hassle to change it after half a lifetime.


Me: BS 52
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 24 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7390 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kept my married name. It had been mine for 26 yrs and only had my maiden name 16 yrs so it is who I am at this point in my life.

Judge asked at final court appearance if I wanted to change and I said no. FT had no say if I kept it or not.This was in CA. He never said that he didn't like if I kept it. Not that it would have mattered to me.
He remarried within a couple months.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
mom of 2
♀ Member
Member # 11214
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is, does my future x-WH get a say in this?

Nope. You can keep it or change it.

edited for typo

[This message edited by mom of 2 at 4:29 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


Me: BW
Divorced after 23 years of M thanks to XH's truth trickle.
Status: Recovering and healing. It's going to be a long hard road.

Update November 2013: It only took seven years but I finally turned a corner. :)


Posts: 13260 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: The suburbs of hell
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kept "mine" too. It's a connection to our children and I've already been asked the horrible questions-"same last name?" on forms and doctor's offices.

It's also something I can keep from changing when everything else is.

It comes up on the forms, at least where I live and is a line item almost hidden in the beginning papers. Have to be on your toes, though, because I know a few friends who didn't want to keep their married names but missed the chance when the forms came.

My mother changed hers so many times that once in the ER, I couldn't locate which room was hers, because forms were filled with her two married names and her maiden name! Now it's lol but wasn't at the time.

She changed her first married name when she kept getting mixed up with her MIL, who had all the same initials and was witchy to her. Then, on a job, she ended up the woman's nurse! (Sorry to veer off, just kind of funny).

And in a different way, I had a good relationship with my MIL and want the connection with her memory. I feel like 20 years deserves the honor and that she would be in approval.

Also, I hate spelling and explaining the death out of my maiden name...haha.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kept mine. Your STBX has absolutely no say in it. In fact, in my situation, there are now two Mrs. XWHs since he married the OW, but MY children also have that name, so I decided to keep it. My DS #1 was relieved-- he was afraid that I'd revert solely to my maiden name. I think that, to him, it's like we wouldn't be related anymore.

I would only change it if I got remarried, but the odds of that are... well, I will probably win Powerball first!


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3406 | Registered: Oct 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He gets no say in what you decide.

My POS is a complete asshole, and sometimes he calls me "Mr. <maiden name>" in emails since he says he doesn't want me having his last name.

For my kids is the only reason I would keep it, but I don't really like either my married or maiden name. I might just go with "butterfly" or "buttercup" or something fun. Pretty sure you can change it to whatever you want..


BW~ 35, Two Darling Sons~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012
S 10/2012
Filed D 11/2012
Divorced! 4/2014

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Feb 2013
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would only change it if I got remarried, but the odds of that are... well, I will probably win Powerball first!

My H keeps saying, "You are young enough, you can find somebody else who will treat you how you deserve to be treated." This pisses me off to no end. I thought he would be that person, and I'm pretty sure he's ruined my trust in anyone... forever. But time will tell.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Snapdragon
♀ Member
Member # 4286
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has no say. He cannot compel you to keep it or change it.

I changed my last name and picked one *I* wanted. I didn't want to be connected to my ex or my father. Ironically, my ex was quite upset! We didn't even have kids. I guess he was insulted.

Do whatever you want. If he bitches just tell him that it is YOUR business. End any further conversation.


Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink


Posts: 3055 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

does my future x-WH

Nope. There are many stories in here about exWH's getting pissed off that their exWives won't change their names - especially if the OW is raising a stink because they want to be the new Mrs. No-good-loser-cheater.

It's your decision.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are many stories in here about exWH's getting pissed off that their exWives won't change their names - especially if the OW is raising a stink because they want to be the new Mrs. No-good-loser-cheater.

My mom says "If you want to be first, be first!" Don't know exactly what she means but it's about when second wives get mad because first wives had their kids and their long marriage and all of those memories, I think.

Too bad, it's "your" name, not his. If she doesn't want to share it, marry someone who hasn't been married yet. Simple.


Me: BS 52
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 24 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7390 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so lucky because in my stbx's settlement offer he is allowing me to go back to my maiden name ! As if I needed his opinion. LOL!

So back to your question, it's totally up to you what you want to do with your last name. My stbx "thinks" he has a say in it but he is an idiot.

My kids and I were talking about when the divorce is final, I will go back to my maiden name. I know they would prefer that we all have the same last name so we were thinking about changing our last name to our cat's last name ... FluffyBottoms! problem solved.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sparkles
♀ Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really wish I could take back my maiden name, but I'm stuck with my married name because I don't want the confusion with the kids.

I have sort of hinted around with them about hyphenating all of our last names. I just don't know... they have had so many changes in the last 4 months I hate to add to their stress.


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: In a better place
Topic Posts: 13

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