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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: MC shoots down topic
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ Member
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I brought up this topic to our MC . I read ( here on S.I) that its a good thing for me to work on me as much as I work on my M . I watch what I eat , exercise , get back in touch with old friends and start doing activities I loved to do . I also focus on our marriage I just don't make it my top priority . Our MC say's this is dangerous because the idea is for you to spend time with your WW . She also said "the main reason you focus on yourself is to protect yourself from getting hurt again . You need to risk getting hurt in order to heal your m. I don't agree with this I starting to like the new me .


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would look for new counselor.
JMI.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we might be splitting hairs here. Both things are very important. Working on you AND working on your M.

You need to risk getting hurt in order to heal your m. I don't agree with this

I actually think this is true. I think you have to make yourself vulnerable (ie - risk getting hurt)in order to have a great marriage. But only if your spouse is truly remorseful and on board. Otherwise it would be too risky imo.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to put on your own oxygen mask first.

I didn't have any resources available to devote to my marriage for the first 18 months or so after Dday. I was pretty much in survivial mode. I think your marriage counselor is asking too much of you.

I don't think focusing on yourself is to protect you from hurt. Self-care is always important and makes you a better partner in the the long run.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every BS's needs and strengths are different. I still am not good at recovering from "new hurts." If your IC is not on the same page as you, find a new IC. Sounds like he/she is putting too much on you too early.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would find a new MC.

Any MC that does not promote self-health and healing is dangerous IMO.

You need to heal you and your W needs to heal herself before real healing can begin in the marriage.

She also said "the main reason you focus on yourself is to protect yourself from getting hurt again


No, you focus on yourself because you are the only person you can control. You can only heal you. A strong, emotionally healthy BS is very important to get through R or D. If you are broken how do you even know R is the right way to go?

Like the new you and find an IC that empowers you to thrive on your own or in your M.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 3:31 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe your counselor is concerned that if you don't take the risk, you may never be fully open to another relationship with spouse or someone else. One of the hardest things to overcome after such a betrayal is not to become bitter.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you do need to risk getting hurt again to move forward in R. Generally you try to make sure you're not still bleeding out and that your WS has put down the knife before you open your arms for a hug, though.

Working on yourself is a good way to prepare to risk that hurt again IMO. It means it won't be so crippling the next time around if it happens.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think it depends on the circumstances. in your self healing are you ignoring your WW? Is she giving 100%? If she's all in and you are ignoring her as part of your own self healing, then I think your MC may have a point.

So, I guess I think it depends on the stage of your recovery. If you just found out and your WS is rugsweeping, then I think you need to concentrate on getting better. On the other hand, if you're starting to act like your single and your WW is doing everything possible to make you safe, then maybe that's not so good for your marriage. I think both partners need to be 100% in to saving the marriage.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure it has to be one or the other. Why can't it be both?

I worked on myself - fixing that damn codependent streak, while still being invested in R'ing. That was what finally made me realize that I was being a doormat, or an option for H. Gave me the strength to put my foot down, and ultimately saved my marriage.

If you aren't healthy, and yoru spouse isn't healthy (mentally) then how can you have a healthy marriage?
Your relationship will be forever changed, and that is not a bad thing, but each of you will grown and change as well, and it's ok to put yourself first sometimes. Your spouse will learn that is part of your newly healed you.

If your MC doesn't get that, then perhaps your MC isn't the right fit.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with your MC; especially given how far out you are from D-day. I don't know all the details surrounding your pre-A marital issues, but my guess is that the MC is trying to address those problems. You need a balance right now and it's hard to determine that from reading your post.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:05 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5696 | Registered: Aug 2007
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Balance.
I think she may be seeing a tendency to build up the self at the expense of the relationship. While we need to be whole, strong people who can stand on our own (and I have certainly done some soul-searching and changing in this process), it is also true that we have to make ourselves increasingly vulnerable again for the marriage to succeed. So, one shouldn't happen without the other.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's missing from your list of working on yourself is dealing with your feelings of grief, anger, and fear that result from being betrayed.

You absolutely must process and release those feelings before you can safely open yourself up to R.

If you've done the work but simply forgot to list it, that's cool. If you haven't done the work, that could very well be why your MC doesn't see you commit totally to R.

Having said that, IMO, like others, I believe you have to heal yourself some before you have much attention and energy to spare on R, but once you get some basic healing done, work on yourself and your M can go along in parallel.

I'd question your MC - if you're terribly wounded and unhealed, what kind of R does she think you can you achieve anyway?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
hopefullromantic
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think working on yourself is great, but I think the marriage should always be the bigger priority, assuming of course, that your W is remorseful and making the marriage a priority as well. Without that, you're not really in R.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Oct 2007
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Calendar date shows you are 10-11 months into this. What I think is pertinent is how did your WH act after DD? Was their trickle truth? NC broken? Where was his level of recommitment to the marriage at following the discovery of his A?

I am 11 months out...but only about 6-7 months out from NC being broken, trickle truths, and any sort of commitment from my wife.

We are tackling some pre-A marital issues now...but much of the past months have been spent working on ourselves...the only person you can control.

BS go through trauma...WS are in pain...very different responses to the same event.

It is like BS took shrapnel to the chest...some pieces lodge in you so deeply they are life threatening. The WS took some hits, but none life threatening.

Only you can determine where you both are at on this trauma pain scale.

But I would suggest to you that if you are still bleeding out because of how your experience of adultery being invited into your marriage has happened...it is too early to switch focus from you to the marriage.

But if your injuries have been stabilized it is time to do some uncomfortable work on your marriage.

NOTE: A real possibility of this uncomfortable work is to find out that yes, in fact adultery is a deal breaker for you. I would hope your MC would be reading you well enough to know how stable you are...if you trust your counselor follow their lead and believe what your journey reveals to you. If you don't trust your counselor...time to find a new one.

counselors are just people too. They make mistakes.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:47 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does your MC realize your W has been cheating for the majority of your marriage?

I am sorry, at this point you need to protect you and heal yourself. If R is EVER going to be an option your wife needs to get some real help. She has been screwing around for so long it will take a lot longer than 10-11 months for you to even begin to really heal.

You (IMO) need to figure out why rug sweeping her A's in the past has been enough.She needs to find out why she consistently goes outside the M and what she is looking for.

Hopefully going forward you can make firm boundaries that allow you to be safe in this M, if that is what you decide you want.

You have been living in this hell a long time. You do what you need and find a MC that gets it!!

[This message edited by karmahappens at 3:20 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A BS has to "accept" many things in order to R with a WS right?

IMO, the WS has to "accept" things a well. The M not being top priority anymore is one possible thing if they want to R.

Your W does not have to accept this, she can leave/D, but if she wants to R and this is what you need to do/be, then this is an area she has to accept just like you have many areas about her that you have to accept and have NO choice about in order to R.

I would "explain" this to the MC and see what they say. Depending on their views/perspective, I would then choose to keep them or find another.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3461 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a hot topic.
My WS swore we could work on our M and ourselves at the same time.
However, in our M dynamic I was the overworking partner and he was the underworking.
I was his coping mechanism for stress, he does not have any other.
How could I put myself back in the house, not be his coping mechanism, him think I am being distant (because I am not trying to fix him), etc etc.
I get the roles of MC and IC, but we can't spend all day in therapy. Real life with 3 boys and a house/school/work etc.
I firmly believe that each person must figure out what their contribution is to the dynamic of the marriage and do their best to make themselves whole. There is no healthy marriage until that can happen.
And if you're not ready to make your marriage a priority (I wasn't either), then so what? That's how you feel. Maybe you're not ready to work on R. I am not.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with your MC, but that's because what they are suggesting aligns with what my spouse and I need.

We BOTH need to risk being vulnerable, risk putting it all on the line, for our marriage to heal. I'm risking being betrayed again; she's risking me controlling her (which amounts to abuse) again. If we both remain closed off, we'll get nowhere.

But that works for us. Your case might be different.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
Topic Posts: 19

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