MY TIME LINE. PART 1 of 3.
I am late in doing this, my incredible wife has been battling my resistance.
The Time line of the A is the job at hand: So here it is:
I should re read guidelines but I need to get going. My comments are in italic, I'll try to keep them short.
FAll/winter 2012 I first saw the OW as stumbled late in classroom.
I was struck at her charisma, beauty, exuberance, loudness, smiling though disrupting to the class with no hint of sincere apologies . I was charmed from the start. I played a tune to her, ( I was using music as a tool of seduction, betraying not only my marriage, but a truer connection with music)
The next thing I recall was a second group class with a friend of hers, and a young lady from the same state and town and shared much. They bonded instantly, and so did the whole class actually. There was a good feeling of camaraderie, lots of loud laughters, a bit too much for as I aimed to teach seriously.
At the end of the last class, I went for a drink with the students, against my better judgement, and that is when things changed a bit. I felt uncomfortable but stayed. Why was I here? The murky buried answer was the OW who had become a friend outside of the class room). Then the private lessons at her place I think 2.
I briefly "met" her husband, and her 2 lively children, the cats the dog...
As a student, she seem out of focus, all over the pace but very passionate. I related.
Then a few weeks before Christmas the lessons were moved to my place on fridays mornings for scheduling reasons.
I felt actually felt protective and was put off at first at the OW' constant lateness with a smile,
leaving trash behind, treating me like a buddy she grew up with when I gave no indication that this was acceptable.was miffed by that at first and kept boundaries or at least tried but not hard enough, or not long enough obviously. ( I realized she had a problem with boundaries, barely able to contain herself , and this was to become my prob;em and I did little about it) .
Things got emotional but from, surprisingly, an anger perspective, and frustration at feeling disrespected:
There was a big storm warning on a Friday. So I emailed the day before: let s cancel, I will make an exception to my "24 hr notice or you pay the fee" policy. She reply in typical theatrical bravado something to the effect of -" I am super tough, a winner….", a little snow, wont scare me, and I'll even drag my kids with me if the school is closed." Ok So I took that as a committed lesson. She did not show up. I got angry at her disrespect to me, and sad at her inability to value her word. (Something I aspire to ).
So i became her coach. A very lame, unclear coach. (I wish I had that pathetic email but I deleted everything but the ending of the A emails )
I was trying to be her life coach, and wrote an email which was supposed to make her realize that she did not keep her word, she should pay the fee, and I was genuinely feeling that this beautiful person was also capable of much better. (I transferred my problems onto her).
But in the end my email was totally muddy and crazy because i came from conflicting states:
1) Sincere life coach ( delivering the lecture on "where do you stand?")
2) Angry teacher (Totally unprofessional)
3) caring friend ( I did like her. My initial state of being smitten had reverted to "big brother")
(I was clearly
becoming over involved and that was a perfect opportunity to call it quits.)
So things got really muddled from that point on. I was angry at her, at myself for having written a really bad, crazy sounding email.(her own words)
I also felt bad for maybe having hurt her feelings…very murky. I should have realized that I had a big boundary problem as well.
I became distant, impatient and downright crabby with the people who are dearest to my heart, my lovely precious wife and daughter. She is only 11 yo and we have so little family members around…I realize now too late what I have done.
My wife and daughter left me as much space as possible, and I did not even see that. Chores became nuisances, cooking for my family had been such a joy…I tried to fight back to create bits and pieces of family happiness here and there but I fell way too short in the long run…they would have been much better off if had had the decency of leaving to spare them my evil side.
(My daughter is very sensitive , extremely perceptive and very connected to me, her dad. I remember when she was born, I was so proud and so loving. I told myself:
the best way to be the best dad is to be the best human being possible"…boy what a failure.)
So my emails took an more supportive, friendly even affectionate turn and I invited her for coffee to talk. I was trying to back pedal.
I blurted out that she had great potential as a singer and a human being…and the words came out like" I am taking the time
to speak to you like that because I love you as a beautiful person capable of so much"
(I could not believe it, it felt so weird. but I rationalized it as a platonic spiritual conversation, spiritual since we had had no physical contact whatsoever, just a shared passion for music) .
But she obviously had no clue what I was talking about. She pretended and that enjoyed me. I shrugged it off and that actually enabled me to put some distance back between us.
So we resume classes. And class became back more professional , (but we, in retrospect, had share an emotional moment together. Though it was anger based, it must have been bonding on some level)
Then came the sexy torch songs I picked for her. I genuinely thought she had voice and personae for those. It became, in retrospect, a subliminal way of sending messages and sexually charging the atmosphere. Big mistake. Those songs helped start some degree of fantasizing, at first, imagining her singing those songs. But I actually suggested her to sing those to her husband to see what happened. Innocent enough, still no physical contact what so ever. I was proudly maintaining a professional stance,'though I notice my 1 hour went over time each time, but I do that often (Boundary problem, aiming to please, to be liked, afraid of being a fraud, not giving people their money's worth, in short low self esteem and insecurity,)
December and Christmas roll along and that was the beginning of clearly inappropriate email (moving towards clear emotional dishonesty and sexting )
She send me a puzzling email that scared me to death: " I have taken you with me …" She was taking about her socks collecting wool strands from my shedding rug . My heart sank. After the holidays I spoke to here about how crazy and dangerous that email was and that she better delete it before her husband finds out. She totally shrugged my concern off and laughed…
Then she brought a T shirt and emailed clearly this time: "I am bribing you to the dark side with a gift". It was shockingly spell out and literal and I cannot believe I took the bait.
So the relationship had taken a clearly beyond flirtatious turn. It had become emotional, fraught with danger. Tha last part made me ill. The part I did enjoy for the next months was actually not doing anything physical about it,
enjoying and channeling the energy towards excellent lessons. But an entanglement had been created. Tons of chatty, irrelevant emails kept the illusion going. Over sharing daily life routine details. Kind of enjoying and intoxicating at the same. Certainly a new thing to me.
The meanwhile I had become a terrible, horrible husband and father. I became secretive, not being clear, in retrospect, if that need for secrecy was to
-Protect my family from the terrible developments
- Be alone to process and clean up this mess
- Be alone to further the into
..or a terrible poisoning combination of all of the above.
I pushed my loved ones away, the anger I had inward was turned towards them. My wife and daughter ran away and left me as much space as they could. I turned into a monster, a zombie who's soul was in pieces. Our home was on fire and I saw nothing.
The scope of the devastation is coming gradually to my awareness. i am waking from a bad dream to experience a real live nightmare . I cant believe what I have done.