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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Would You Reply?
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nearly Exh has been a huge bully as we close in on divorce. He's kind of like a snowplow through our lives and then gone again.

He's growled at me about communicating with DD and told me without hesitation to BUTT OUT.

Well, tonight the Karma Bus made a stop and he got pulled over. Apparently DD knew of this and now some strange behavior is explained (extra clingy girl).

The question is, I got a message from him asking me to communicate a message between them that he is ok.

I feel very mixed up and angry and don't know how rational it is that something small be a trigger, but I think it's the whole control issue?

I have not replied to the messages from him, as I don't know how. My impulse is sarcasm, but all that gets me is a fight or silence and he complains to his lawyer.

I'm tired of being a doormat, but I saw her worry about something and she wouldn't tell me it was about him.

What do I do? If I tell her I feel under his control, even hours away, and if I don't tell her, she will worry. Again I notice that she didn't tell me there was an issue with him, though, that stands out in a huge way and I don't like that at all.

If I don't tell her, I chance getting a yelling at anyway and he could still complain to his lawyer that I am in the way.

What to do?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ash, take yourself out of the equation. Just tell him he is welcome to call her and tell her himself.

You are not his secretary, and don't need to relay messages for him. He can dial a phone, and I'm sure your DD would like to hear his voice.

That way, you aren't hindering him, you are inviting him to have his communication.

Edited to add: And I do mean, tell him JUST that. "You are welcome to phone and tell DD whatever you need to tell her yourself. She would love to hear your voice." Then back away and let her get the phone when it rings.

[This message edited by devistatedmom at 8:54 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5372 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Sparkles
♀ Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with devistatedmom. Just send him a quick email with exactly what she said:

"You are welcome to phone and tell DD whatever you need to tell her yourself. She would love to hear your voice."

It also seems to me that he wants you to know that *something* is wrong. I don't see why he has to involve you. Just send him the email and get out your tiny little violin for him...


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: In a better place
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the response DM gave is perfect. And if he has anything to say about that ignore him. If he doesn't call, oh well.

If something is wrong with him, oh well. Again, that's his business. If his whole life crumbles around him like a house of cards, not your problem! It's so hard to adjust to that mind set after being the one who had his back for so many years but he turned his back on you. His choice. His problem.

He is an AWFUL person with poor decision-making skills. Whatever problems that causes him is for him to deal with alone. Don't make his personal problems your problems because he will have a limitless supply to dump on you because he is incompetent. I know, SO much easier said than done!


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, I did the advice on the thread all of you gave me...for this time around, it worked!

Thank you!

What I couldn't figure out was how to get it to go by without drama and that worked fine. I don't know if it will work again, but I'll keep at it.

It was really nice not to be his puppet.

Thank you.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 5

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