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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Paranoid about running into AP and his wife
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This week, there is a festival that my BH and I attend every year. It is also attended by my AP and his wife and the people in his life who know about the A. I have not seen either one of them since a week before D-day (so over 6 months). I am EXTREMELY paranoid about seeing anyone of them. My IC told me that I can't stress or worry about it, because I may run into them, but I may not. In fact, during the A, we NEVER ran into them unless we had plans to meet them. We are going to the festival today and next weekend. I like going to it and so does my BH. Not going is not an option. How do I deal if I run into any of them? Should I be this paranoid? I don't want to live my life like this.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 472 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does your BH know there is a chance that you may see AP there? Definitely cover that base.

"Bob, there's a chance we will run into XYZ at festival. I think it would be smart to agree on a plan of how to address if this situation comes up."

You can always just say hello if you do see him and that is it. Bring your spouse over there - if he wants - when you do talk to him. Keep it short and remain on light, neutral topics. Nice weather, great band, etc. Don't ask what he's been up to, how things are going, etc.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does your BH know there is a chance that you will see AP there?

Yes. I will speak to him about how we will handle it.


You can always just say hello if you do see him and that is it. Bring your spouse over there - if he wants - when you do talk to him. Keep it short and remain on light, neutral topics. Nice weather, great band, etc. Don't ask what he's been up to, how things are going, etc.

I have NO DESIRE to speak to him or his BW. I am sure they have no desire to speak to me either.

I also hope I don't see them because of their one child, who I spent a lot of time with during the A. My AP's wife called me Aunt Pizzalover. I don't want to confuse him or hurt his family more. I have no idea what they told him about why I wasn't around anymore.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 472 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can always just say hello if you do see him and that is it.

what? i would be divorced in two nanoseconds if I even looked in AP's direction, as it should be.

Personally? I wouldn't go. For my BS's sake and for my AP's wife's sake. Actions have consequences, let HER enjoy herself without worrying about running into you.

Sorry, I have strong feelings about this and protecting the innocent.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5056 | Registered: Dec 2010
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I deal if I run into any of them?

If you absolutely MUST go, then I would talk at length in advance about how either/both of you will handle it. So there are no surprises and so that you present a united front.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can always just say hello if you do see him and that is it.

Umm...this ^^^^ would be breaking the NC rule. NC is NC. Period.

Talk to your husband. Be a united front. Maybe do something else instead of the festival? Be sensitive to your husband's needs.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6257 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can always just say hello if you do see him and that is it. Bring your spouse over there - if he wants - when you do talk to him. Keep it short and remain on light, neutral topics. Nice weather, great band, etc. Don't ask what he's been up to, how things are going, etc.

Whaaat???!!!! No!

Talk to your BS and see how he wants to handle it.

I'm pretty sure my BH would give up a loved activity to avoid having to see the AP. If being there was unavoidable he would expect me to ignore and avoid even looking in the direction of the AP.

I have run into the AP's BS a couple of times and I saw the AP once (don't believe he saw me but didn't look long enough to know). Both times I have wished I could disappear. I don't enjoy the thought that the sight of me gives the AP's BS pain.

Small town life...

Edit...typos...

[This message edited by knightsbff at 9:50 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monday morning...time to be blunt. Feeling really uneasy about your insistence on going. In my recovery from alcohol and drugs (18+ years), one of the things they strongly suggest (especially early on) is changing your "people, places, and things". Those are triggers. And many parallel's have been made here on SI regarding people, place, and thing triggers.

What you're saying (imho, reading between the lines) in you post is: "I want my betrayed husband to go to a trigger-fest with me, where I'll be in the same airspace as my xAP and his spouse and family". That's what I'm hearing you say. Is this really healthy for YOU? Is this really healthy for your betrayed spouse? Part of me is thinking WTF?!?!

I am EXTREMELY paranoid about seeing anyone of them.

You should be...as they are all triggers, and your xAP is still, IMHO, resonating quite deeply with you.

Not going is not an option.

Um...sorry...but YES it is. It is the BEST option. It is the ONLY option, as I see it, again, IMHO.

Sorry to be blunt, but you are seeming to want to white knuckle an "I don't want to give up a people trigger, and a place trigger" avoidable event in your life, and asking us to please tell you that's okay. It isn't...again, IMHO...from where I sit. Sorry. And, yes, this is from a WS "guilty of a stupid NC breach" not all that long ago.

You really want to put this festival ahead of your recovery, and your marriage? And stop to think for a minute how this must really feel, deep down for your betrayed spouse.

I am in a situation where my xAP and her husband and family are in the same small town. There are places and times where I know I can "accidentally" bump into her or them. Those are triggers, and I am avoiding them, and avoiding doing some things and avoiding going to some places I VERY MUCH LOVED (going back to my youth)...because it is the right thing for me, for my spouse, and for my marriage.

I'm envisioning an alternate track for you during this upcoming festival. You say to your spouse "Honey, I think it would be best if we didn't go to the festival. I checked online, and there's a really fun sounding __________ an hour in the opposite direction. I've packed a picnic with your favorite salad and that salty sweet dark chocolate bar we love. I also put some tunes on the ipod we can play from the car as we gaze out at the puffy clouds. Let's drive, talk, connect. Just us. When we get there, we can meet new people, and see new things".

I've been actively searching for just those types of events for me and my spouse, and our family. I don't want to go to the tainted, compromised places I went when I was lying, cheating, and stealing from them. Do you?

Go in the kitchen, whip up that salad, and avoid that "unmissable" festival like the unhealthy trigger-fest is sounds like.

Sorry, all of this is IMHO, and I am now officially stepping off my soap box. I do wish you good luck, and am glad you brought the topic and how you are feeling up.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 11:49 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I understand that most of you didn't/don't think we should go as to not cause triggers and stress for all parties involved. Luckily it's a very large festival, so it's unlikely that we will see them. We went last night and didn't see them or anyone in the family.

The reason I want us to go next weekend (and last night) is because this festival is a pleasure for my BH. I don't want to take away his enjoyment for the choices that I made. He shouldn't have to suffer. He gets to see friends that he usually only sees a couple times a year, plus enjoys the beer and food. I also want to be his designated driver so he can drink all he wants to enjoy himself.

We did agree if we see them to just keep walking and ignore them.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 472 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stepping back up on soap box.

Why don't you suggest your BS attend the event solo, while YOU stay at home and do that garage reorganization project that keeps getting pushed down the to do list? Just a suggestion. You doing the right thing for you. Him working within his comfort level.

Stepping back down off soap box.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pizzalover: you have a very understanding BS...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5056 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 11

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