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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "Therapeutic" separation?
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Sure. why not. If she wants to move out let her move out. Even if everyone is right, what can you do? If you don't think she's in a fog, then trying to make her stay won't work anyway.

i think the people here are under the assumption that she is in the affair "fog" and if you can last it out, everything will be fine without her moving out. Further, from their experience, when a WS suggests moving out, it has been to continue the affair.

I will say that you seem to be asking a question and wanting an answer that suits you. The answer people are giving is that they haven't seen a case where "therapeutic separation" has worked. So you have your answer.

The folks here by and large haven't seen it work.

Ok? doesn't mean that it won't. Good luck

BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013

Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Maybe SI isn't the right site for the support I'm seeking. My WW isn't typical, or near typical, of the waywards here, in a bunch of ways, and that just makes trying to find applicable wisdom pointless. "

I think you're right. This isn't the place for you right now...well it is...but you aren't ready to see that yet. So take a break, stop posting (and hopefully you will keep reading!) and chances are VERY good that you will eventually see that people here are not being negative and mean they are being REALISTIC. There is a collective wisdom here. Every scenario you could imagine has already been lived by someone here.

Your WW may be special to you and probably she feels special to herself but her actions aren't unique. Her words aren't unique. Most likely how this will all play out (good or bad) is not unique.

She's blaming you, you're blaming yourself. She's bullshitting you (intentionally or not) and you're taking it and asking for more. It is a destructive dance you two are doing but apparently neither one of you is ready to stop dancing.

I'm sure most people here can understand your anger but they also know that your anger is totally misplaced. No one has done anything to you except tell the truth based on their experiences and what they have learned traveling down the same shitty road you are on now.

(((Hugs ArableSands))) Keep reading.

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Stop getting mad at US. You started this thread with 3 sentences. You started a thread in the Divorce/Separation forum asking about separation. Guess what? For most of the people in this forum, separation did lead to D. That is OUR life. You asked US about OUR life and OUR experiences. And we shared and then you got mad because it is not what you wanted to hear. If you want validation of what you want to hear, then ask your WW because I am sure she will provide it. But to get mad at us because we are sharing our collective experiences is frankly blameshifting.

Most of the posters on this thread have asked thoughtful questions. Yes a few have said that you are doomed. Why? Because we have seen it again and again and again. Because we hope that if you take off your rose colored glasses then you will see more clearly. Because, believe it or not, we really want to help. Otherwise we would simply ignore you.

You also have stated that you are special and your WW A is special and different (or words to that affect. Guess what? 39829 members before also thought they were special and different. I know I thought that. Maybe you are one of 39830 who is really and truly different and special. Well then good for you. You don't need any advise from here because you have it all figured out. Good luck to you.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17689 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
♀ Member
Member # 36559
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not trying to be hurtful. It sounds to me as though your WW wants out and has for a while. I think she may be testing the waters before she does file.

Me 36
DS 16
DD 4


I've made a huge mistake - GOB

Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: missmydogs
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


*jumps up and down* *waves hands*

YES I do know about therapeutic separation. I do hope you see my post. There is nothing wrong with what your WW is saying. You just need a strategy and some rules. Our MC did recommend this to us and no we didn't go through with it due to financing and not having FOM (friends supportive of our marriage).

Jeesh. I think this thread may of gotten a little out of hand here, which is quite unfair to yourself. In cycles of abuse (if this is your case) and/or controlling behaviours it is actually generally RECOMMENDED!!!!! Both parties go 'time out' we're still an exclusive couple but lets not live together for (insert time here), we will still see eachother (insert amount here).

You're trying to 'reset' the button of your relationship by not being constantly in the same environmental triggers. (AKA the controlling/ crazy behaviour started in our bedroom) and slowly introduce them back in.

But really specific ground rules and barriers need to be set in stone with the guidance of your MC. This was our MC philosophy, yours may be different. And you know what, that is perfectly okay too!

Hopefully this is helpful for you. Again this was our MC and we did not have the resources to of done it but I think it would of been extremely helpful for us. I'll pm this to you so hopefully if you've given up on SI you will get it in an email as well.

Also I wanted to add: just because she wants a therapeutic seperation does not mean she is not actually committed to R. Being with someone controlling is very very draining and she may just need some space and is grasping at straws because she still wants to be with you but may think that controlling behaviour is just a matter of time before it's reappearance. She will also need to rebuild her own self belief as a person.

Abusive (controlling is considered abusive) is very detrimental for your self esteem, and I don't completely subscribe to the viewpoint that the WS needs to do EVERYTHING for the betrayed. Especially in such a scenario as this.

Good luck, i hope i haven't come across too blunt
Feel very welcome to PM me as well

[This message edited by lauren123 at 3:56 AM, August 5th (Monday)]

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have found that whenever something makes me mad on here it is because it is a truth I am not ready to face yet.

I hope you find whatever answers you are looking for. If/when you are ready for and or need the experience and advice available here I do hope you come back.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 27186
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think in your situation, this is probably a good idea. Your wife has already asked for a separation several times. If you don't "let" her go, then it just plays right into the controlling part, doesn't it? Also be aware that controlling is a very subjective term. It's great that you recognize it in yourself, but as a previous poster suggested, sometimes there are rational reasons why people behave that way.

I'm not even going to bring up possibly cheating while separated. It either will happen or it won't. No sense in borrowing trouble right now. I don't think every person who asks for a separation does so to cheat.

Now, as a former military wife, I've been through my share of physical separations. I would be lying if I said I wasn't eager for the space sometimes. And that space changed me. At first, it was very empowering to learn I didn't "need" him. But the longer the separation went, it was more that I didn't "want" him. In the time we were together, I never cheated. But I was not completely blindsided to learn that he did. I think the biggest problem with separations is the end goal can change. She may very well want this all to work now, but that doesn't mean she will always feel that way, or you will for that matter.

It will be important for "rules" and time together to stay connected. I agree it would be good for the MC to help establish the boundaries of the separation and reconciliation. Good luck with whatever you two decide to do.

BS-34; WXH-32; DS8; DS3; OC3
DDay: SEPT 2008
Divorced: JUNE 2010

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Indy
♀ Member
Member # 39893
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


As a BS, I've been working a lot on what I brought to the marriage that made it suck - pre-cheating. Here's my take on your question:

I don't think a therapeutic separation is a bad idea at all - but I wonder if it's too... soon? Will either of you be able to be objective about what dysfunction you EACH brought to the marriage this soon after DDay, or are your wounds too recent?

Kudos to you for accepting a dysfunctional aspect of your own personality: you admit you are "controlling"

Have you gotten to the bottom of WHY you are controlling?

AND - what OTHER dysfunction did you bring to the marriage?
Are you afraid of abandonment?
Do you have a low self esteem?
Do you have an anger problem?

Are you ready to face WHY you have your other issues? Digging in the dirt hurts - it's unlocking doors that your hurt-little-kid-self locked for a reason. They hurt too much to deal with, hence the coping mechanisms you learned as a kid. Perhaps you learned to be controlling because:
Your mother was inconsistent and undependable?
Your father was abusive?
One of your parents left you?
You were berated for being ignorant as a child for things a child wouldn't or couldn't know?

Taking such a painful inventory of your own issues is not an easy task when your wounds are so fresh after DDay... Is that what you plan to do while separated?

I know there's NO WAY I could have let my WH out of my sight that early after DDay... will the separation make you MORE controlling? Will it make you CONSTANTLY check up on her? Will it make you feel even MORE insecure? If so, then I would tell her you aren't ready to trust her with such freedom yet.

NOW: has SHE openly recognized any dysfunctional aspects of HER personality? After all, she wouldn't be with a "controlling" man if she herself didn't have some serious issues.
Does she have abandonment issues?
Does she have F(amily) O(f) O(rigin) issues that she has never faced (like most people)?
Does she have an abusive, neglectful or judgemental parent in her past? Did she suffer from sexual abuse?

Does she even PLAN on working on HER issues while separated, or is she just wanting a break from the constant guilt trip you (most likely and with very good reason, IMO) are giving her? She doesn't deserve to run away from your hurt - she should be neck-deep in it with you. BUT - if she intends to use the time apart to address her issues and fix herself, then maybe it'll be worth doing.

I am separated myself in order to work on MY ISSUES that contributed to my broken marriage BEFORE the infidelity started (really, before I even met my H). My WH is supposed to be doing the same. It's early in our Separation. We'll see how this all pans out...

Good luck, and sorry for the rambling and possibly off-putting tone of my post. One thing I'm learning: it's HARD to be honest with oneself.

edited for continuity

[This message edited by tigrislilium at 3:24 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

Me: BS, early 40s/ Him: WS, mid 40s
Married 2004
His affairs: 3 LTAs over at least 5 years, all of them overlapping at the time I found out
DDay: December 2011
Separated ~1 yr, recently reunited
attempting R

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: East coast
Topic Posts: 48
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