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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: and this is why talking is impt
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We just experienced two non-A related moments that I want to share bc it is a lesson in what happens when you don't communicate effectively. One involved our 6 year old who is too anxious to fall asleep on his own and the other involved our time together once he was asleep.

We both agreed that we cannot keep laying down with our son, N. We needed a different bedtime method. Mine was to leave for 5 min. and then go back and sit on the edge of his bed until he fell asleep. Worked well last night. Once he gets used to this, I will leave before he is asleep and so on. I mentioned this to H last night but we didn't follow up and discuss it further. Was this his approach tonight? Nope.

1) H's turn to put N to sleep tonight. He sits on edge of bed and says he will be back, he leaves room and goes back 2 min later. Sits on bed, leaves room and goes back 2 min later. By now N is upset and crying. I run upstairs. H tells me what he is doing. I disagree. Now N is really crying and his older brother is getting upset. Bravo parents!

Later....
2) I am downstairs waiting for H to come watch a movie with me. He doesn't. I am thinking he is upset with me for interfering with bedtime. He's not. He is reading. He says, "when I mentioned we would not get through a movie bc we were too tired, you agreed." I replied that yes, while I agreed we would not get through the movie, I THOUGHT (not expressed) we could at least start it. He took that as no movie.

Neither one of these things we spoken about. Luckily, they were harmless for the most part (except for poor son crying) but showed us (once again) the importance of communicating!

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:41 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2448 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talking IS important...I am struggling tonight to figure out a more productive way of talking.

I had one of those curiosity, turn to a light trigger, matured into anger type of conversations with my wife tonight.

10 months of counseling and still we struggle...I would give my next paycheck to figure out how to....Check my assumptions of what my wife means with my wife....effectively.

Seems like we jumble this up...each of us thinking the other is arguing to change the others mind rather then seeking to understand.


I did enjoy your post...it is amazing to me how two people engaged in the same situation can have such differing assumptions of what just happened.

Anger seems to be our downfall...anger born from both grief and frustration.

Glad you posted this...hope others find the courage to keep trying to talk and engage positively with their spouses...especially after a difficult situation.

Character is not built by getting thrown off a horse..it is built by consistently getting back up on that horse to get thrown again...and do it with the same level of enthusiasm as you did the very first time.

(if you kinda liked that thought...well then it is all mine....if you don't, well then it is a bastardized version of Mark Twains...one of my favorite authors.) (it really is something I got from Mark Twain....much of my apparent knowledge is actually someone elses that I borrow as I need it!)

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:01 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you blake. And I did like your version of Twain. My dad said to me the night we told him, "you kick a jack ass and it stops, you kick a thoroughbred and it runs faster. That's what you are". The thing is, I get tired of running. Tired of getting my bruised self back on the horse!

Like you with you wife, it irks me trying to figure out what he means at times - so I always ask - our MC asked my H once if he is always "this vague". Yes! I thought. That's the perfect word. He's vague. It started long before I came on the scene and his mother is moreso then him

Right now, anger is my problem. Not like it used to be but its there. And like you, it can escalate from a mild trigger to out-right anger.

And honestly, this is tough in the summer w the kids around. I give full props to those dealing with this and have kids around who are older then mine and get that mom/dad are having a big problem. My 8 year old is all ears. I was 9 when I figure out Dad had a drinking problem. No one told me so I just investigated it myself. My son D has the same ability to do this so we need to be careful

Ok. I digressed there. It's a beautiful day here. Wish I felt that inside.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2448 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(LA44)

Couple of things...

I was 12-13 when I learned of my Dads infidelity.

I get tired too.

You mention your husbands FOO...both my wife and I are getting a good glimpse of how we formed who we are...much of what has negatively affected our marriage was more or less put into play before we ever saw each other...probably that 7-17 year old range.

Doing this with kids around is challenging. We are trying to figure out ways to show our girls that we can work through conflict successfully...haven't mastered that yet but believe it is a worthwhile goal. Kids will pick up on tension even if you aren't yelling at each other in front of them.

Kind of looking forward to them going back to school...but, of course, that is how my wifes affair took flight and launched....so there is a sucky side to school starting. The plus now is that I will be okay if my marriage ends over the affair.

My biggest regret right now is that I don't think I have made enough peace about the A so as to handle running into my wifes AP when dropping my girls off at school or picking them up...so I have voluntarily given up that perk. A perk I really liked doing on occasion....was so wonderful to have the peaceful moment with them in the morning just before school started....and that excited moment right after they get out of school...their voices alive with the adventures of the day, seeing them hug their friends good bye...teachers telling me what wonderful kids I have.

And that decision is all on me. The AP is scared of me...has crossed the street many times to avoid me. Has called the sheriff and had the sheriff call me to tell me to stay away from him.

So it is all within my power to get back this part of my life. I am close...but just not there. Seems like a mode that is all to familiar to me right now.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:26 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 4

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