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In reading most of the posts on the board, it seems like many of you had a great sex life before the A and many had HB after. My situation is the opposite. We weren't having much sex for a long time. I became very low desire particularly after 2 difficult C-sections and sex was and isn't a major priority for me. Part of the issue is physical - I just don't get anything out of sex and don't enjoy it very much. And part is probably due to a lack of emotional connection. THings we talked about at length over the years. WH never understood. He felt my lack of desire was a refection on him and his sexual prowess. No amount of discussion would change his mind. He treated me like there was must be something wrong with me because no one could not enjoy sex and that it was worthy of pity that I did not get out of sex what he did.

WH says my lack of desire for him was what made him susceptible to OW's (former BFF) advances. (I'll get my story in my profile soon. Double betrayals suck). The problem is trying to figure out what to do now. We are trying to reconcile. We are in MC with a really great counselor. He is trying to do all the right things.

THe problem is still sex. The A didn't make me suddenly desire sex. But obviously sex is important enough to WH that he was willing to lose me and his family to get it.

So how do I deal with this. I will never be the passionate sex starved fawning woman the OW was. I can't replace her and her ego boost to WH. I don't know if I will ever have desire. I'm reading the Sex Starved Marriage and it has been helpful in letting me know that I am not the only low desire person out there and that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me. The book gives some advice on things to try and I hope that someday I am able to put some into practice. But having always felt that there was something wrong with me for not enjoying sex, knowing that WH chose someone else to give him what he wants makes me think sometimes, why bother

WH wants to start being intimate and I honestly don't know even where to begin. I feel like I'm just going to be going through the motions and he will feel like I am doing it as pity sex. But right now that is as much as I can handle. I'll be lucky not to end up in tears.

First, welcome to SI.

You are not alone with having a low sex drive. My WH and I have different sex drives as well.

Although I have a low sex drive, I don't think that was a contributing factor in my WH's A's. Despite my low sex drive we had sex fairly regularly because I made a point to have sex with him even if I wasn't "in the mood".

Of course, now that he has betrayed you, that tactic really won't work. I don't know when your DDay was, but it's perfectly normal not to want to be intimate with the person who betrayed you. And not every couple experiences HB.

When you feel comfortable attempting intimacy again, I would suggest you start slowly. And, at the risk of TMI, some sex toys (such as a vibrator) might help. I know they made a big difference in my sex life with WH.

Just take it slow and don't let him pressure or guilt you into moving any faster than what your comfortable with.

My husband has had multiple affairs...physical and emotional. I only have 1 DDay, because I found out about them all at once (well, trickle-truthed over the course of a week might be a better description, but whatever).

We are working towards reconciliation, but it's only been 3 weeks...so I'm really just floundering my way through all of this, but I'll try to help.

After some amazing HB, here's a few things my WH and I have committed to in hopes that we can get back on the same page in the bedroom:

*(Disclaimer: Your Marriage May Vary - one size may not fit all)...

No contact with OW in any form ever again. In fact, no contact with any woman outside of my presence/knowledge ever again. If he "needs a friend", I'm that person. There is absolutely NOTHING he needs to be discussing with another woman -- EVER.

No porn. At all. Period. We feel the fantasy of porn creates unrealistic expectations between the sheets. I'm a real woman...with real needs...and a real body...who really wants to meet his needs. Expecting me to "compete" with the airbrushed, pretend women imprinted in his brain isn't fair to either of us. If he needs sex, I need to meet that need. (It goes both ways, btw -- no porn for me either. If I'm feeling hormonal/lonely/whatever, it's his job to meet my need.)

I need more affection/attention/acknowledgement outside the bedroom. Just in the past couple weeks, he's stepped up his game. He leaves me love notes on the bathroom mirror, calls/texts sweet messages, and makes it a priority to touch me -- hugs and kisses me when he gets home, holds my hand in the car, sits close to me when we're on the couch...simple touches go a long way.

His effort and genuine interest in making me feel loved outside the bedroom makes me genuinely interested in making love -- anywhere -- not just in the bedroom. I kid you not, I want my husband.

Pre-A, sex was okay. We have three kids (one with a medical issue that causes a great deal of stress, anxiety, and financial hardship). I'm as tired as any other mother with young children. My laundry never ends, my bathrooms always need to be cleaned, and my kitchen floors are sticky all the time. I worry about things, think about things too much, and stress about things I have no control over...but his simple acts of affection and simple acts of helping around the house has proven to be the best foreplay EVER.

By the same token, I need to engage. Was it hard at first? Yup. Is it still hard? Yup. But he needs me to get my head (and body) in the game, so I need to step it up. If he wants a light on -- fine. If he doesn't -- fine. Change positions? Try something new? Let's do it.

I'm his fantasy now :)

Hi,

Before you put too much work down this path I would just caution you that what you did or did not do regarding sex is not a big factor in your husbands choice to have an affair.

There are plenty of people on here whose wives wanted and got a lot of sex from their husbands and their husbands still cheated. And I bet their are HEALTHY couples who don't have as much sex as one of the people would like but they never cheat either.

I do think a couple has to come to terms with meeting each others needs...In your case that means your husbands need to have more sex and your need to have less sex.

As I am painfully learning...any sort of selfishness hurts a marriage. I did things that were selfish that hurt my marriage pre-A...my wife also did selfish things that hurt our marriage before her A.

We were ignorant and didn't recognize the damage we were doing then....we do NOW.

Regardless, we were both a part of the same marriage that was under attack and my wife chose to have an A...I did not.

Emotional connection is extremely important...and something our marriage was also lacking.

Not to be crass here but I heard a comedian once say....When it comes to sex, women need a reason (emotional), guys just need a place.

It is a funny joke (made less funny now when I see what my wifes AP took from her because he had a place and she had an emotional reason)...and speaks to a difference between men and women and sex.

Unfortunately, I don't have the quick answers to repairing emotional distances...

But even without the actual sex act I, being a guy, can tell you just simple words can make a guy feel sexy. Thanks for changing the oil...nice to not have to pay someone to do that and you are so quick at it! sort of comments go a long way with me.

Maybe you could try some things like that...make him feel more desirable? more manly?

Dang this is tough...if you are like me you are still hurting from the betrayal and the death of your marriage as you knew it....but if you can I think it will work wonders.

We are 10 months out and our sex life is far off the old pace....we never got the HB thing either.

I am sure you are aware of other sex acts you guys can do together that don't involve traditional intercourse....maybe you could try some of those? Lots of books on this topic...could approach it like a fun experiment? Is there anything your husband can do to make you more comfortable? special cologne? shower just before? flowers? candles? back rub?

Might be a good idea to have a signal word agreed to before hand....like Lighthouse....when either of you say this word you change intensity...maybe go back to the stage before the one that triggered the word Lighthouse being said? maybe the word signifies that's all I am good to do tonight...stop, lets try again tomorrow?

As a man I like signal words rather then radical honesty in the bedroom. I would much rather hear Lighthouse...then...That doesn't feel good and it just got me out of the mood...leave me alone! All of a sudden those nice words about the oil change just lost all weight!!!!

all joking aside....

I can relate to you...I feel for you. I miss sex...I miss FUN sex....I miss fun....I know we were ignorant before the A, but do I have to be sooo intelligent now? It gets to be exhausting.

I keep trying sex with my wife so as not to make it into this huge mountain of a deal to overcome....am concerned the longer we go without any sort of sex in our marriage the less connection we will have. (mind movies suck too)

God be with you both.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:49 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]

Roses -

I could have written your post prior to the A -- low desire, thought I was broken, etc. This started a couple of years into our relationship and continued for over 20. . .

The problem is, that it was very damaging to my husband, whose primary way of feeling loved is physical. So, it is one thing (and accurate) to say that it is not my fault he had the affair, but our inability to deal with the issue like a loving couple should did certainly prime the ground for the affair.

Almost immediately after the affair, I began feeling a tremendous amount of desire for my husband, which was partly HB I am sure, and partly because I felt like I had been let out of a cage. Our "story" was that he always wanted me, and I basically had sex because I felt obliged to. Nothing like having the threat of him going away to reignite the fire.

Now, I am not sure what to make of this, but one thing that has been hugely beneficial is his newfound "availability" to me. I think that a large part of my low desire over the years was because my needs for quality time and other affection were not being met by him. (Reading "His Needs Her Needs" may help you a lot.) Since the affair I feel like I am #1 on the list, and it has been amazing for feeling desire for him.

So, are your needs truly being met?

Don't despair. Get some help from a MC if you need one - you deserve a healthy and happy sex life, just like he does. You are not broken. But don't resign yourself to "I just have low desire" because that was poison to my marriage, and I am so glad we are working on it.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:59 AM, August 5th (Monday)]

I'm going to be very honest with you here. Most people need active healthy mutually enjoyable sex lives. If you want that with your husband, you need professional help -- a sex therapist, not just your marriage counselor. If your true feelings are "why bother" then you should file for a divorce. Your post shows that it would take a lot of effort on your part to create a normal sex life in your marriage. Accomplishing that is going to be the exact opposite of "why bother".

Give it some thought. And your post says you BECAME low desire, so think about when and why that changed too.

Your husband should not have had an affair -- but it would have been reasonable for him to say "look, the lack of sex in our relationship is a problem for me and if you won't get some professional help with me to fix this problem then I need to have the opportunity to move on to another relationship." That's STILL reasonable whether he's the WS or not.

And part is probably due to a lack of emotional connection.

I'm kind of with m334455 on this one. A sex life is a normal expectation within a marriage. Sometimes temporary glitches or circumstances beyond one's control can compromise that (illness for instance), but a sexless marriage isn't any more fair than one that has been damaged by infidelity.

You owe it to yourself as well as your H to explore healthy options. I would start with the emotional connection, or lack thereof.

After two C sections and being on the receiving end of an affair I don't think she owes him much right now. Especially after making her feel like shit about it to begin with.

I am in the "Bad/no sex life = good reason for D" and while that is still a reasonable attitude, it's what he should have done to start. Right now you need to decide if you want this marriage to work and if so, how much you are willing to meet in the middle about it. OTOH he needs to do the same - and that means accepting he will not be having nearly as much sex as he feels the need to insult you over. Nobody ever really lines up perfectly so while he can expect you to pick it up a bit you should be able to expect him to dial it back some also.

A third party to help work out what you can both be satisfied with is a good idea, but only if that is something you want. If it isn't then you shouldn't have to, but he shouldn't be consigned to a life of abstinence, either.

It sucks all around, sorry you ended up here. Good luck.

"but a sexless marriage isn't any more fair than one that has been damaged by infidelity."

Statements like this are incredibly painful to people who struggle with low desire and even more painful for people with low response. Not everyone reacts to sex the same way and it can be truly difficult for people like me who don't feel much of anything physically during sex. There are many possible reasons for the issue. Do you think those of us with this problem do not struggle with it every day. To say that someone with this issue is as bad as someone who cheats is cruel. It is implying that people with lower desire, lower response or inability to have sex don't deserve marriage, that we don't deserve a happy healthy relationship with someone.

roses303,

A couple of points.

Lack of sex was not why your WH had an A. FWW and I were virtually asexual the last two years before dday, and it has been a struggle post dday. Yet despite physical touch being my primary love language and an almost complete lack of touch and sex in my M I did not have an A. Never even considered one.

The real question he needs to find an answer to is why having an A was his answer to a lack of sex? Why did he turn to OW when he questioned his sexual prowess?

I will never be the passionate sex starved fawning woman the OW was. I can't replace her and her ego boost to WH.

Nope, and sex with me will never be as thrilling, dangerous, and exciting as sex with her OM was for FWW. That kind of relationship, in the open, is simply unsustainable. But I agree with m334455 that sex and intimate touching are important to a M if they are important to one or both of the partners. I was ready to leave my M due to the lack of sex and touching.

I feel like I'm just going to be going through the motions and he will feel like I am doing it as pity sex.

You know, after dday this is not uncommon, the term fake it till you make it applies. FWW and I had some good sex after dday, but we also had some sex where I did it only because I thought it would be worse for my ability to reconnect to the M not to.

Part of the issue is physical - I just don't get anything out of sex and don't enjoy it very much.

This part is on you, it is yours to own and fix. There are books, there are techniques, there is open intimate conversation with your partner about what works and does not work.

And part is probably due to a lack of emotional connection.

Certainly understandable after dday, and this one is on the both of you. He needs to demonstrate through consistent actions and behaviors that he loves you, that he has changed so that an A will not be his answer to a lack of sex or feelings of inadequacy. You need to be open to accepting his efforts. You both must practice open and intimate discussion, not just of sex, but all issues in your M.

I am told that sex is the first thing to leave the relationship when there is trouble, and the last thing to return. In our situation it has been nearly 4 years since dday, and sex frequency is still an issue for us. There is more touching and I know FWW is working on this, but it has taken time. If your WH is looking for things to be better soon or he will have another A, he may be unrealistic.

Finally, as m334455 posted; there has to be MUTUALLY enjoyable sex life. My FWW has said she would be fine never having sex again. I told her I was not fine having sex at the frequency we were, and that I was ready to D. She decided that she wanted to stay M to me more than she wanted to not have sex again. She touches and initiates sex less than she would normally, and I go without sex and touching more than I would like to normally. We talk about this, negotiate, and come to the middle to meet each others' needs because we do love each other and want to stay together.

FWW used to tell me she felt obligated to have sex and resented it. I did not want obligated sex either. She now has sex as a way to communicate her love for me. She continues to work to find ways to feel more aroused and enjoy the act more for herself.

ETA:

roses303: we corss-posted

Do you think those of us with this problem do not struggle with it every day.

I know that my FWW struggles with this and feels guilt and dismay over her lack of sex drive. I also know that her lack of participation in sex with me, her virtual refusal to have sex with me the last 2 years prior to dday was nothing at all like the pain she caused me by having her affairs. No comparison. Her affairs were a life chainging benchmark in my life that rocked me to my core. Her lack of sexual intrest in me was frustrating.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:51 AM, August 5th (Monday)]

I just want to reiterate, because I wish I had known it, that feeling an emotional connection with my husband (through having my needs met too) made a huge difference in my desire. Please don't give up on yourself or write your sexuality off.

Also, if you aren't orgasmic, have you followed up on options for that? Sex therapy? Books?

Therapy is the way to go. I as a guy, do get his "suffering", I get it. However, an A is crossing the and he can't pin it on you.

I'm on a different boat. She would not want sexy much at all. She had an A for sex. Really? She blames it on her hormonal change. Now we have lots of sex. It's not the same though, the A kinda ruined it for me.

To say that someone with this issue is as bad as someone who cheats is cruel

.

Roses, you doth protest too much. I never said that someone with a low sex drive is as bad as someone who cheats. What I am saying is that it is unfair to write it off as "that's just me" and then do nothing to try and improve the situation. That's a bad attitude from a cheater, and it's a bad attitude from a BS who just doesn't want sex.

You asked what you can do to deal with this. I'm telling you to start with the emotional connection. Many spouses have issues with sex after the A, temporarily, but you state that this was a problem even before the A and mention of lack of an emotional connection is huge and probably THE problem. Despite what he tells you, it is very likely that your H cheated for the emotional connection, not the sex. You are likely worried about the wrong thing.

Sex is not just about the physical. Half of the time I don't feel much physically either, but I still enjoy it because it makes me feel close to my H and he enjoys it. I love him and I want to please him...because we have an emotional connection.

I realize this is now complicated all the more by your H's A. Everything is more complicated now. But you feel, I assume because you said so, that the problem is still sex. And I am telling you, because you said so, that THE problem is likely the emotional connection. Start there.

bioicgal - yes and yes. I am not writing my sexuality off. I know there is a possibility that some desire may come back. There are a thousand reasons for sex issues and it is a difficult issue to resolve. And it takes time, empathy and understanding on both sides.

It makes me angry when people don't take the time to understand what a low desire partner goes through. They are not less deserving of love or marriage. And they are certainly not damaging their marriage as much as an affair.

I had this issue with my WH. He refused to listen or look at my side of the issue or even try to come to a happy medium before the affair because he could not comprehend why on gods green earth I would not want sex all the time. It is such an amazing experience every time for him and therefore it must be for me also so me not wanting it all the time must have to do with my lack of desire and love for him.

He is working on it now. He just never looked at the situation from my point of view. It was easier for him to find someone else to feed his ego. Having him read the Sex Starved Marriage was eye opening to him. He had no clue what I was going through. He had no idea of the impact of so many thing on desire and he had no idea that a significant number of women are non-orgasmic and it isn't something that had to do with his lack of ability. Information and understanding is so key from both sides.

When people say bad sex is a reason for divorce, it makes me wonder what marriage really means to them. I did not marry a penis. I married a man. Someone I loved and cared about and wanted to be with in sickness and in health. If something happened to him to not be able to have sex, physically, emotionally or psychologically, I'd still love him. I would not abandon him because love is love.

So when something did happen to me, my hope from him was the same. But it didn't happen because for him at the time sex=love. Now he sees things differently (it is amazing how the threat of losing everything can open people's eyes) and he has a better understanding of what love is and the work and sacrifice involved in a healthy relationship. Hopefully through a lot of work on both our sides we can come to a place in the middle.

I know there is a possibility that some desire may come back.

roses303, I would gently suggest you do more than just wait to see if your desire comes back.

... people don't take the time to understand what a low desire partner goes through. They are not less deserving of love or marriage.

I agree that low desire people are not less deserving of love or marriage than I. But having been in a M where the sex and desire shifted dramatically after the M, I would point out that I am just as deserving of a M where my partner expresses love in my love language.

To turn this around a bit...

FWW’s love language is words of affirmation, and she really enjoys just chatting. This does not come naturally to me, I do not particularly enjoy it, but I make an effort at it because it is important to my W and I love her.

I did not wait to see if I became more chatty and affirming. I read books on being affirming and chatty. I practice. I make time to just chat with her and listen how her day was. I am a low desire chatter, but I make an effort because it is important to my W. I do not particularly like chatting, but I love doing something for my W that is important to her.

I expect the same effort from my W in meeting my needs and desires. I also understand (now) her significant FOO and other issues to overcome that impact sex for her. But I would no more accept her not working on her issues to meet my desires in the M than I would expect her to accept me explaining I do not chat, affirm and share feelings because my Mom is German.

Wow, am I giving off the impression I'm not trying and I'm just laying back and waiting for life to change.

I've read everything I can and have tried for years to change things. I know my husband has physical touch as his love language. I do what I can but turning on desire for sex isn't as easy as buying more gifts or chatting more. I could hug all day long but when I didn't get all horny from the hugging my WH still took my acts of affection as a rejection of him. It took the aftermath of an affair for my WH to see he had to make some changes in his attitude and actions too. I know this isn't a one way street.

I posted here initially to see if there were any other BS out their with similar situations because right now I could use some support from people who have been through what I am going through. I'd love concrete suggestions from people who dealt with the same things because reading books is one thing. Hearing from other dealing with the same things is even better.

I know I am being sensitive about things but it is really painful to hear people talk about low desire as a "problem" because I have heard for years from my WH that there is something wrong with me. But I've done enough research now to know that I am not alone. People have different levels of desire and enjoyment of sex. It isn't a matter of "why bother" it is coming to an understanding and a mutual commitment with the other party in the marriage. I want to meet halfway. That is why I am here and not in the divorce folder.

If you are trying and he isn't then there's not much else you can do, is there? It is often said that the partner who has the affair is the one who puts less into the relationship, not more. I dunno how much of that is true but I do see it around here a lot.

When people say bad sex is a reason for divorce, it makes me wonder what marriage really means to them. I did not marry a penis. I married a man. Someone I loved and cared about and wanted to be with in sickness and in health. If something happened to him to not be able to have sex, physically, emotionally or psychologically, I'd still love him. I would not abandon him because love is love.

Well, as a man, sex does mean a lot to me. Sex with my partner, not just sex with random objects or people. I don't see that it is different for women, either. It's not just about rutting, if that's all it was then why have a relationship?

I did go without sex for about a year. Before then there were other long stretches, weeks to months at times. I didn't want pity sex and to be honest it is strange to me that your H could have such amazing experiences when you're obviously having a difficult time of it, but we're all different so I'll just look at it with my head sideways and leave that there.

I was willing to go without sex but if I had reached a point where I decided I was not, then there is a responsible way of handling that and it is to speak with my partner about it as truthfully as I can. No one should feel obligated to stay in a relationship in which they feel deprived or rejected - like you are feeling right now. You should not have to feel like there is something wrong with you just because you don't feel comfortable having sex with your WH.

Sex is a much more intimate and emotional experience for a lot of people than other reasons to split; finances, religious differences, hygiene, interests. You aren't rejecting him but there are other perspectives as well. I don't know that I would be willing to endure the rejection again, only to come to the end and have a pile of shame and humiliation top it off. That isn't your situation, but it was mine, and I will need sexual comparability with my wife to feel safe with her.

I hope you feel better and find some better help with your situation. Sorry you are having such a rough time with it.

roses303-

I hear what you're saying. I would just like to suggest, once again, that you might think about a vibrator or something along those lines.

I was also non-orgasmic for a large part of our M. Now the only way I am able to reach the big O is with a rabbit vibrator.

Focus on you. Stress is a big problem within the bedroom and you feeling a lot of pressure from your WH is not going to make the situation any better.

I can understand what you are saying. I get it. I am in the same situation but for different reasons. I am feeling the same about sex with my WS since his A. Actually we had HB for about 1 year. Then he started to become defensive about my questions to his A. This slowly lead to me feeling more and more insecure with him. It lead to disagreements. He has not built his trust back with me. With that I do not feel connected with him.

I can't show him affection. I can enjoy his company. We can talk about some things.

I would like to have a sex life. But I just don't feel the desire for a physical relationship with him. Now it has gone on so long that it seems even more weird.

I think about it often. Weekly. Some weeks are really bad. I blame myself. I know it isn't good for either of us. However there is just nothing there in that regard with me for him.

I can understand how you are feeling. I wish I had an answer for you. I guess a good therapists could help. I have thought about that but I actually would not enjoy a conversation face to face with a MC about sex.

There was a movie out a few years ago with Tommy Lee Jones and Meril Streep who were an older married couple who did not have a physicaly relationship anymore. It was about how they went to a therapist to get help. Kind of good movie. Kind of funny also.