I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time
Your wifes bitterness, anger and unforgiveness will destroy any chances of restoration. Give her the space she needs, try to understand her pain...I say to my husband during a trigger, "just bare with me" and keep working on yourself. There is nothing more attractive then a mentally and emotionally healthy person. Keep reminding her of your love and that you are truely sorry, willing to do anything.
BS me(37) SA?WH(28)
Kids x4 (D)12,5,3 (S)8months
Married 7 years
DDay#1 January 4,2012DDay#2 January 11, 2012 (revealed 2 more OW ONS)
DDAy#3 TT February 6, 2013
DDay#4 EA 2yr July 8th 2103
After d-day, my only thought was of saving my marriage. I was a model WS. My healing truly began when I realized that our marriage might not make it, but I HAD to make it. There was no other option. I had to come out on the other side of this shit-show better than I had gone in, and that was my only option. The marriage surviving would have been wonderful, but me surviving was imperative.
Chin up. All these things you're doing need to be about what you need to do to become the person that you need to be. Your marriage may not survive. And you are going to need to be OK with that.
I can definatively tell you this that right now at the point where I am, I have to keep the hope of my marriage alive. I am giving her the space she needs and I know that it's her choice to have me back or not. But I cannot come to grips with our marriage being over. Maybe that'll change someday. But right now that to me is not an option. I have been fighting for my marriage for 10 months. We have endured 16 years married and 9 years of friendship before that. We have 2 wonderful kids and a shared soul together. Through IC, psychs, and others I have realized a lot of who I am and why I did what I did. But that doesn't define me. I was a damn good husband and friend for many years and if it were to be over than what a waste of a marriage this would be. I will do everything in my power to keep our hopes and dreams alive until the end. This may be a bad thing on my part but I refuse to think about the what if's and focus on the I knows. I have to. I just have to.
I know. Please believe me when I tell you that I know exactly- word for word- feeling for feeling- what you are going through.
I fought for my marriage throughout my entire marriage before my affair- and then I gave up. My d-day was 4 years ago (today), and I fought like hell afterwards, too.
You don't have to give up on your marriage. But you do have to let go of the outcome. You have to realize that the consequences of your actions may not be a whole, healed, better-than-EVAR marriage. She might not ever be able to reconcile the man she married with the man that ripped out her heart and let her bleed out. You don't get to make that choice for her. You are only responsible for her healing as much as she will allow you to be- you're responsible for your healing no matter what happens with your marriage.
[This message edited by trytoforgive at 3:30 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]
At 10 months after DDay, I was exactly where your BW is. On our 14th wedding anniversary (10 months and 1 day after DDay), I BEGGED (literally - hands and knees stuff) my FWH to grant me a divorce. Despite the fact that my H had been a model remorseful former wayward and had worked hard to identify and begin to address his issues, the pain was too great, my rage was intense, and I felt lost and defeated.
In an IC session shortly after I pleaded for a divorce, I began to understand why my anger and desperation was so great: I pride myself on being a "strong" woman and that behavior was modeled for me by my mother and was held out as the ideal. I grew up thinking that showing emotion was weak, accepting anything less than what you demanded was weak. Staying with a husband who cheated seemed like the weakest thing possible to me and I was having a really hard time being okay with being weak. By staying with my H, I felt I was betraying what I believed was my true self. What I learned over the next several months is that working through R made me anything but weak. I had to come to grips with my own "shortcomings" in order to reach acceptance and begin to move forward.
We are now 20 months post-DDay and still together, happily. He still continues to work on himself, but we are going to make it. Time is very much a 4-letter word, but it's true that it does take time and patience to work through this muck.
Good luck to you. I wish both you and your W healing.
I know she told me she didn't want to celebrate our anniversary this year bc my A happened during this time last year. I get it. But it doesn't mean I don't hurt.
So I've come to the conclusion that unless she brings anything up about the A then I will try and carry on with daily routines and act as "normal" as possible. I will keep giving her the little space she needs until I move out in 2 weeks. Who knows? Maybe by doing this I can give her a 2 week head start on her healing process. That's 2 weeks closer to R......hopefully.
What helps? It's different for everyone. But for us right now we are reading, "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages". Both books have helped us realize how both our needs have not been met for 10 years at least.
We are touching and kissing a lot, but that is because that is one of my needs, sex is also very important to me. But your wife may have other needs, so I suggest you explore what she needs from you. It maybe be gifts, recreation, each person is different.
It might be too late too. You might have to accept that. I know the window for most of us is narrow. I knew on day one of DD that I wanted to reconcile. Even though it fucking hurts so bad. The alternative hurts even more. I love him. I keep going back to that.
I have the mind movies and images daily and nightly, it's awful. It's hard to get past those. I ask questions every few days and we both cry and get totally exhausted.
It's a hard road. So while I understand you are feeling frustrated at 10 months, it can take years to mend this from what I've read. If that is the case then so be it. If you wife is worth it you need to back off and quit expecting her to heal. Everyone is different. I suggest reading tons of books on marriage together. Do some intenstive soul searching together. Find out what she wants from you.
Faith is also what gets me through. Without it I'd probably be divorcing and get in another fucked up relationship.
Edited to add, this isn't about you right now. She could care less about your needs. I mean to say you owe her total unselfishness right now. Don't expect her to feed your need for forgiveness or acceptance. You have get tough and get that from yourself at this point. Whenever my WH acts needy at this stage I get angry.
[This message edited by Painfuljourney at 9:01 AM, August 16th (Friday)]
It can be a really difficult balance to find, between dwelling on the affair and paying it enough attention. I don't believe it is healthy if it is the only topic of conversation, ever. If all we are talking about is the heaviness that is the affair and repairing our relationship, how can we remember what it is we are trying to save? We can get so caught up in the emotional depths of the experience of the A, that we forget how nice it is just to hold hands with our spouse, or talk about the kids or our day or plans for the garden...
At some point - probably eight months in? - our MC helped us work out guidelines that we were comfortable with that helped us contain the A talk to certain times and places. It made moving forward a lot easier when we could do something fun together without the A coming up every time. It is an important part of R, IME.
With the move coming up, perhaps you could start setting up specific times for specific activities with your BW. Perhaps Friday nights will be "date nights" where the A is not brought up, and you spend the evening reconnecting. And Sunday and Wednesday evenings are for sitting down and discussing any A related questions that have come up, etc. Maybe a shared journal would be useful, a lot of people on this forum have used that successfully. She can write down thoughts and questions throughout the week, and you respond at an agreed on time.
I do think, with you moving out of the house, that it will be important that the two of you spend time together that is not focussed on the A, or even on repairing the marriage - but is instead focussed on finding your connection again through spending time together in fun and undemanding ways. Good luck.
It's been over a year since DDay for me. It was the worst year of my life. After my second DDay, I was diagnosed with cancer. It was exhausting to deal with all the emotions, surgery, radiation, recovery, betrayal, all of it.
My cancer is gone, thankfully. But my struggle with the betrayal is not. Sadly, I left my husband on Monday. I miss him so much. I pray we will get back together. I wish our pain would go away. I just want to live my life with him. But the aftermath of his betrayal became too much for me.
Our wedding anniversary is Sunday. The day I married him I felt like the luckiest person in the world. So much has changed. I miss my home. I miss my husband. I miss who I was.
I am hoping this separation heals us. One way or another. I need for him to do all the work necessary for us to be together. I want to be cherished again. If I cannot be, then I will learn to live my life without him. It's not what I want and I know I will never get over him, but it may be what is needed.
So much loss. So unnecessary. Betrayal is an agonizing death.
D Day: July 27, 2012
Day of first suspicion: 6/7/11
DD#2: November 2, 2012
"So much loss. So unnecessary. Betrayal is an agonizing death."
Exactly! It's amazing how painful and exhausting this whole experience has been. I wish there was a handbook when I got married that outlined how awful an affair is and what they lead to. I had no clue the true pain and suffering from both sides. No clue.
It's crazy how different people can be too. You're the BS but you have the same wants as me.
My BS is a lot like you in that she misses herself and what we had. She knows the reasons why I had the A but she cannot understand it. Even though the reasons are real it's still the thought that I could hurt her and my family like I did that she can't accept.
I have a feeling there will be a lot more posting from me in the future. It calms my anxieties just to get it out and have my life analyzed by complete strangers. Yet the complete strangers are so similar. I feel like I know some of you........
Congratulations on taking the hard road and making it an effort to give her space for healing.
Believe me, she loves you.
She is just in unbearable pain. It is so hard for her to focus on the here and now. She sounds like me. Focuses on the past and future. Right now she can't imagine a future without the pain, resentment, and triggers. Focuses on the past that you threw away for 3 months of cheap happiness. I hope for your sake she overcomes this.
I too, as you know are in the same boat. I was so sure for weeks now, I wanted a separation. I still feel that way some times. Through IC, I have been able to focus on some here and nows. Things and memories that would not have existed if we separated.
For now, I will take that...and the belief that it takes two yrs to get through this at least.
I too am a thinker. An A doesn't help a mind that already works in overdrive. Does she have past issues from parents of not being important enough in their lives. She sounds like me, suddenly feeling she is never worthy enough or good enough to be treated with loyalty by those that should make her come first.
I had to show my BS your post bc you and her are identical. Her mind goes 200 miles an hour all day and can't stop. Which is why she's so unhappy.
And she also grew up with a dad that although did everything he could so she would be successful and have a good life he forgot to be compassionate and caring and unconditional. After I moved back 10 months ago he hasn't acknowledged us. He ignores her and never calls although he lives down the road. My BS knows who he is and has accepted this. But she always says her 2 men in her life have betrayed her. That sucks.
I am 13 days away from leaving my family and it hurts every time I think about it. We actually enjoyed a good weekend yet she went to work this morning without wearing her wedding ring. Still no affection or any type of intimacy including kissing. I keep holding onto the fact that like you said she loves me. But her walls are so high right now that she can't do anything until her mind slows down. I've gotten past the frustration part. I'm just scared that once gone and she learns to live alone with the kids then she'll feel better than when I'm here. And again it's not the family time that is bad. It's the alone time between us that makes her miserable. She sees me talking but she pictures all the bad stuff and it wigs her out. Even a year later. I know my wife. I know she wants her family and her husband. I just don't know if she will get past it. She doesn't either. Very scary time for us.....