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User Topic: Am I giving in?
Nicnac
♀ Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's 4 days post Dday and I've been up and down the most horrific rollercoaster imaginable, but right now I just want to curl up in my H's arms and have him hold me, maybe even kiss me. And then I want wild crazy monkey sex after which he sleeps on the couch. What is wrong with me? I'm pretty sure the sex won't happen, I'm 99% positive that as soon as I try, images of him with her will start to flood my brain and I won't be able to do it. Also, is it weird that I desperately want to know what she looks like?

Is all of this normal or am I giving in and forgiving too easily?


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nicnac)))
What you are experiencing is completely normal. There are always tons of threads and questions about it. So many that it has a name. It is called Hysterical Bonding (HB).

It seems to be some sort of instinctual territory marking. Different people experience it to different degrees.

It can be very confusing and conflicted. Be true to yourself. Do what feels right to you. It does not necessarily mean you are giving in or forgiving.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nicnac)))
This is SO normal!!! Look up HB, and you'll see how often it happens and why.

I think we go through it because our minds and hearts have just been crushed and our emotions are on overdrive. Everything is heightened. I know for me, I needed to be held. I needed the comfort and security of his arms. But how crazy is that, getting it from the person who did all the damage?? Just be careful. You both need to be checked for STDs. And if what you need is crazy monkey sex one minute, and his ass in the dog house the next....go for it. Just take care of YOU.

I'm dealing with this for yet a third relationship. And it's fairly new for me (again). Visit this site whenever you need support, and read up in the healing library. It will give you some good advice.

Take care and hang in there....


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Jun 2013
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its completely normal to have ALL of those feelings.

Check out the healing library. Luckily you are in the early stages so you can read up and handle this situation properly.

Hugs to you during this horrible time and welcome to SI.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just asking myself this same question last night!

My WH asked me if it was OK if we had sex. I have been DYING to feel his touch, so I consented. Of course, I cried afterward because I felt I had betrayed myself (after he had already betrayed me), and I wondered if I had just made a huge mistake.

We are discussing divorce, but still living together. I'm afraid this will happen all too often and will get in the way of us doing what needs to be done (as opposed to what we want to do).

I don't really have any advice, but I'm interested in seeing what others have to say. Guess I should read up on HB as well.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB seems to be normal for many of us....I know I enjoyed HB for months and it actually opened the door for me to be more adventurous. It was just sex, not making love though....but it was good sex
I didn't focus on the OW and H sexually.....asked one question about sex and that was it. I can't and don't want to compete with a woman who is ten years younger and never had children. H and I have been together since I was 21, something the old OW can never compete with.....we've grown up together and have three great kids, another thing OW can never have with my H.

Sex is still sex and the frequency of HB has gone away, but it did, in a way, create the opportunity for me to be more open with my H about my wants and needs in the bedroom....something I never really learned or felt comfortable doing until that primordial urge to mark my territory took over.....

I don't think you're giving in...you're taking back what's yours.

Crazy monkey sex......enjoy it and then ask him to go sleep on the couch!


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
Nicnac
♀ Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last fall I caught my H talking to some other women. I never saw the texts, but there were a lot of them and I could only imagine the content based on a short private FB message I found between him and one of them. I was devestated, but he claims it never got physical. I assume sexting was involved, but he's never confirmed that for me and we have no way of proving it did or didn't go that far. Anyway, when we got back into the sack after that I kept imagining him with them. When he kisses me I would almost cry and when we were actually doing the deed I could never "finish" because the images would flood in no matter how hard I tried to keep them out. I am not sure how I'll be able to have sex with him now that he has actually BEEN with someone else.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why don't you know what she looks like?

I would need to know what she looks like. If Im out somewhere,and the woman who fucked my husband is following me around the store..I want to know.

For safety reasons alone..I would need to know.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:25 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Nicnac
♀ Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, i REALLY want to know what she looks like. But it isn't someone I know and she made a whole new FB profile to PM message me to confess to me. No pics. I told her I wanted to know what she looks like, so I am hoping that she'll reply with a picture. I know Her first name and her husband's name, but I don't know their last name, so I can't look her up

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why has your husband not given you her name? I would insist on a name to go with the person who did damage to my marriage.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Nicnac
♀ Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't ask him for her last name.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask him for a picture...chances are,he has one.

You need to know what she looks like. She knows what you look like...and for the reason I mentioned..you need to know who she is.

I insisted on finding out what WH's AP looked like. I kept having this nightmare of being at the store with WH and the kids,and WH would see AP...and vice versa..and there I was standing around looking foolish because everyone knew but me.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nicnac....(((big hugs)))

4 days post Dday....what a horrible place to be. My arms would love to hug you myself!

First of all....get into individual counselling immediately. You need proper professional support. The fog that comes over you in the beginning is so unrelenting and a professional MC/IC knows how to carefully treat you at this pivotal point in time.

Second....feel free to borrow the gift my MC/IC gave to me in meeting one FIGURE OUT WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL SAFE AND ASK FOR IT!!!! Do not get stuck feeling bad about asking for anything. If a hug and his touch is what you need, ask for it and take it. If you need him to open his accounts/cell/emails ask for it and don't feel bad.

Third....even through the fog your gut and your heart will speak to you. Do not ignore either of them. Listen, watch, and then slowly move in the direction your heart and gut tell you.

You are going to swing into and out of love with your WS over the next several weeks. A professional MC will tell you this is your body's way of dealing with the huge emotional bomb that was just exploded in your lap. Swinging and indecision are just part of your body trying to understand and deal with the trauma you are feeling.

Lastly....go and read all you can in the healing library. There is very helpful info up there.

I needed and wanted to have sex with my WH just 3 days into Dday. My head screamed that this was stupid but my heart needed and wanted it. I let my heart win out. Now after 11 months from Dday we are well on our way to R.

Stop, listen, watch and heal yourself. You will ultimately know what direction is best for you.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Topic Posts: 13

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