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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: scared I'm losing my son, please help.
fubar123
♀ New Member
Member # 24970
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My hubby and I are going thru a divorce, my 21 year old girl lives with me and my 16 year old son lives with my husband. I never never say bad things about my hubby in front of my son, I want him to continue to love and respect his dad. My son knows nothing about what his dad did to me(lying,cheating and sneaking around online)now my hubby was involved in a knife fight in another province, my son was there and was a witness. In all our married lives together my children have never seen any kind of violence. Now my hubby tell my son not to tell me anything and I would like to know what is going on with my son. I think I have a right to know. My hubby and my son refuse to tell me anything about what happened or when they have to go back to B.C. for court. If I cannot get any answers from either of them, do you think the police will give me a copy of the report? I want to be there for my son but I feel like I am being pushed out of his life. I am asking these questions because I am concerned about my baby, it's not like I am just some bitch on the street wanting to know their business. What else can I do? I have been tiptoeing around my son so he keeps loving me and keeps me in his life, but everytime I ask him to meet up for lunch or just hang out, he always say "me and dad are going fishing or I have plans with dad. I'm getting tired and hurt because I feel like I have to beg him to spend time with me and his sister even though he only lives 1 mile away and just got his liciense. please help!!!

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Alberta,Canada
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sons are 6 and 9, and they were actually forced to keep their play time with MOW a secret. I had no idea they knew her and spent a lot of time with her, and I found out about it a month after D-Day.. Forcing the children to keep secrets is the biggest thing of this I can't let go of. I feel like it's the trauma I suffered that I will never be able to get through the grief of and get to acceptance..

I'm so sorry they are doing this to you. Since he's a minor, I would think he HAS to tell you what happened or that you would be able to get some information.

I'm very sorry you are feeling distance from him. I can only think to suggest doing what he likes to do, getting to know him, asking him questions about his life. I really don't know how you start rebuilding that relationship, but I would do everything to try..

I hope it all turns out okay. Big hugs to you..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
puzzlepieces
♀ Member
Member # 37829
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. That sounds stressful. Can you talk to your lawyer/the police about your options? And also a psychologist - I'm guessing it could be useful for your son to talk to someone. It's a lot to witness your father in a knife fight at 16. Good luck!


Me = BS, 38
WH, 39
2 kids under 4
D-Day1: 11/17/12
False R: 1/2013 - 3/2013
D-Day2: 3/2/13 - back with same OW; admits to ONS 3 years prior (different OW)
3/13 - file for D
D-Day3: 7/16/2013 - Learn of 3rd PA

Healing by the day


Posts: 53 | Registered: Dec 2012
fubar123
♀ New Member
Member # 24970
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank-you for the kind words. I would like to set up councelling for my son but my hubby has a hate on for all doctors and would never let this happen. I will ask my lawyer if there is anyway for me to do this. My hubby I'm sure is calling down my daughter and me to my son. I want my kids to have a close relationship regardless of what goes on between me and hubby. When hubby texts me and gets me riled up by blaming me for all his cheating and lying, I come back and tell him the truth(that he wont admit, even though i caught him redhanded) he will show my son my replies but not the horrid things he says to me.OMG some days I feel like this is too hard and I don't want to live anymore.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Alberta,Canada
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((fubar)))

Wow, what an awful position your in.

do you have any custody of your son? Have you explained your feelings to him of wanting to spend time with him and your daughter? Can you plan an outing for the 3 of you that you know he would enjoy??


as to the knife incident and the court case, isnt it public record? Can you access anything through the arresting authorities?

As for your h showing your texts to your son, dont sending them. Why give him the bullets to fire at you? Dont even discuss his a in a text.

I'm sorry fubar, dont give up the will to keep living and moving forward.

seek options. hugs


Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
fubar123
♀ New Member
Member # 24970
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have joined custody but he lives with his dad. I have moved on with my life(trying to)and in a new loving relationship. Ever since I started seeing someone else my hubby has a hate on for me and my daughter that lives with me. Well maybe now he knows the hurt he has put me through with all his cheating( I know of 5 times). thanx so much for trying to help. thank you thank you.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Alberta,Canada
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you get any visitation set out in your divorce? I know my XH would come with the police on his visitation days if the kids were not waiting outside.

It's probably going to take an atty to get you to see your son.

It's going to be a slow-go, but you need to do this. My counselor told me if I do not bat away the crap my XH tells the kids, then they only hears his side, which isn't real!!!

I would talk to an atty--even a free consultation. Get some orders where you get to see your son. Go and pick him up at every visitation time. He will sulk, but he will get over it.

This is really a lesson for me, because my sons would love to live with their Dad. In fact, on the weekends they are not supposed to go to their Dads, they want to go. I have them stay here with me and we do stuff. And they are learning to have fun with me. I know I sound selfish --BUT-- my XH is like yours -- an ass and tries to turn them against me. So if I didn't force the issue of being here with me, they would have more and more of his influence, and less and less reality.

Go to the police station and get a copy of the report. Go to see an atty with the copy of the report.

Keep posting here, your son deserves to know you!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 12:01 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2120 | Registered: Jan 2012
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTDT. My son is now 19yrs old and in the military in another state and will soon be going to Japan for 2yrs.

He was 8yrs old when I filed for D from his dad. Until that time he had always been a momma's boy. When I kicked his dad out, he completely turned around. He wouldn't tell me anything about when he was with his dad and I tried not to ask too many questions. He did not know why I filed for D because the councelors and attorney's said not to tell him or it could hurt my custody case as it would be bad mouthing his father to him. So I didn't. He immediately did not like my new SO who later became my WH#2. He was rude and spiteful when he was with me. I got joint custody and he saw him EOW. Well my son started wanting more and more time with his Dad. I didn't want to seem like a bad co-parent, so I let him go whenever he wanted as long as it didn't interfer with school. His dad moved an hour away from us, so it wasn't that often and he didn't see him on his week night becuase of the distance. He had been to his dad's for a few weekends in a row and I told him no one weekend. I told him there were some chores I needed help with that weekend and he couldn't go. He was 14 at the time. He pitched a big fit and went to a payphone and called his dad to come get him. My XWH#1 then filed papers to make him primary custodian. This time I didn't fight it because he was old enough to choose and it would have been pointless with our state laws and the judge I would be dealing with. After that I saw my son less and less. He refused to tell me anything going on in his life and became more and more distant and hostile to me and WH#2. The only time he called was when he wanted something. I will say he did excel in his new school and for that I was happy, but our relationship now is almost non-existant. He only calls when I call him first and then he has nothing to say to me. My XWH#1 succeeded in turning my son against me and my son treats all women disrespectful, even his grandmother's while they were alive. I hate to see any relationship he ever gets into because he is so much like his Dad. All I can do is now love him from afar and hope that once he gets away from his father's influence that his attitude toward me will change. I know he blames me for splitting up the family, but I couldn't take living with a manipulative lying cheater any longer.

I wish I had some words of advice for you, but I don't. I thought I did the right thing at the time by not telling an 8yr old that his father was a cheater, but now I question that decision. Your son is 16, so I would tell him about his father. It might change his mind as to his relationship with you. Good Luck!!!


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
fubar123
♀ New Member
Member # 24970
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trustgone and homewrecked, your replies made me cry so hard because I feel like somebody understands me. My heart breaks for you both. I think my son would be sickened if I told him the things his dad has done to me for the past 23 years. do you really think that 16 is old enough to understand everything? I have to try something, this is killing me. Even at 12 and 13 he would come and ask me for snuggle time when he had a bad day at school or for no reason at all.Now he won't even speak to me. OH God I need help.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Alberta,Canada
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him. He is old enough now to know and it may well make him understand where you are coming from with his dad. By the time my son got old enough for me to tell him, he was already so wrapped up in his dad's BS that he would have just said I was making it up and I really had no proof by that time to show him. I just hope that someday he will be responsible enough to hear what I have to say. I met WH#2 a few months after I filed for D from XWH#1 so I am not sure that his Dad didn't say I was the one fooling around on him, but I wouldn't put it past him. They have a very strange relationship as his Dad didn't work (drew SSI for an old back injury)and did everything with my son after the D. They were and still are best friends. I worked full time and didn't have the time to spend with him like his dad did. Now when he has a leave in the military he always tells his Dad and his dad goes to the state where he is and spends the whole time with him. He never tells me when he has a leave and didn't even invite me to his basic training graduation. I am heartbroken as he only contacts me when he wants me to send him money, then after I send it, he ignores me again. Like I said I am hoping that his time in Japan will take him away from my ex and his selfish ways, but who knows if I can ever repair the damage that my ex has inflicted. None of my ex's family has anything to do with him anymore because of some things he pulled on them after the D. NOw my son will not have anything to do with them either. My Ex's mother is heartbroken about how my son treats her too and she is the one that let them live with her until my ex stole money from them. I just recently found out about this and she has apoligized for the way she treated me during the D. She said the only reason she did that was because my son begged her to be on his Dad's side and testify against me. She is deeply ashamed now for the lies she told to try and get custody of my son. It was a horrible situation and one that I never anticipated prior to the D because we had always been very close prior to that.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I read on here about WS's that don't care about their children and abondon them, but sometimes having them in their lives is much worse. I wished that my XWH#1 would have disappeared like he did with his first son. My son is so very smart and could have gotten scholarships to college, but his Dad talked him into the military instead. This way he didn't have to continue to help support him after my CS and my son'd SSI ran out when he was 18. They lived in a town with a major college and it would have been perfect for my son to go to college there. I see nothing wrong with the military, but I had wished for so much more for my son than a military life and possible injury or death because of it. I worry everyday that he will get shipped off into a war zone or something.

So my advice is again to tell him why you and your husband are no longer together. He needs to know that it wasn't something you caused. I am thinking about you and saying a prayer that your relationhip with your son improves. (((HUGS))). PM me anytime you just want to vent or talk.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry double post.

[This message edited by TrustGone at 3:57 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does your attorney say? Why is your son living with him?

As a parent you should be able to get a copy of the report but I don't know how things in Canada go.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, Furbar.

I think some of the hardest parts have to do with our children.

Our daughter doesn't know what he's really done, either. I just couldn't kill her KISA at such a young age and I worried about her own innocence. The way he left also caused massive other problems, so I feel bad sometimes but haven't tackled that yet.

It aches to see her cling to him and him give her affection, though, because it feels and sounds fake to me, but he shows some signs that he loves her. Just himself more.

I don't have any active advice but read your pain in your words and wanted to say that I understand. To this day I am suspicious that DD has met OW, even though nearly ExH claims not...he claimed a lot of other things, too.

I hope you can figure out what to do. One thing I do, FWIW, is not grill her about her visits with him, because I eventually learn anyway. I sit with her often and participate in her activities, even if I don't want to see Sponge Bob again or play the same video game...she's home such a short time. Sometimes just spending time on a hobby or walk or bike ride goes a long way and especially with a teenager, must be so hard sometimes, anyway.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Lilypad
♀ Member
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Furbar,

I live in BC. You should beable to get the report as you are his parent, you have joint custody and he is a minor.

Here is dial-a-law in BC you could start here.

To access Dial-A-Law, call 604.687.4680 in the lower mainland or 1.800.565.5297 elsewhere in BC. Dial-A-Law is available online at www.dialalaw.org.


You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes. -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
fubar123
♀ New Member
Member # 24970
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank-you again for your kind and supporting words, it really helps to know that I am not alone. For the past 2 years I have begged my hubby to move out because of his cheating and constant lying, he refused, said he had no place to go, I even asked him to take a camp job out of town for 2 weeks in and 2 weeks out. he refused again. One day I woke up and relized that I no longer wanted to go on living, and that scared the shit out of me when I actually took a gun from the closet. That same day I called and found an apartment that I could just barely afford. I cried and begged my son to come with me, he didn't want to leave all of his friends that lived close by. I left home with just my clothing and work uniforms. Our divorce is in the works now, and I am asking that my son spend every other weekend with me. I'm sure at first he will be pissed off but I only have 17 months before he turns 18 and has a choice.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Alberta,Canada
Topic Posts: 15

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