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User Topic: found another reminder of how Naive I was
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear one thing after another lately that just shows how Nieve I was 3+ years ago during and before his A. First I find my notebook I bought in April of 2010, there was only one entry in it, but I forgot some major things that happened at the beginning, just how much pain I was in then. Yet I stayed because I believed it was over, huh what a fool I was!!! Now today I find my box with all my contacts in it from when I sold Avon, anyone that ordered something or was interested I would put there name and contact info in it. I sold Avon only for a few months and ended right after Christmas (so right before the A started), my wh was getting orders for me at his work, and OW was one of my contacts, meaning wh took an order from her. This has sent me in a tail spin. Did the A start earlier then I figured out? Did I in some way start these "outside of work" conversations between them? He got orders from other employees (which were women), so maybe i'm overreacting. But I still can't help think the worst.

Which gets me thinking about how stupid and Nieve I was before he had his A. Why didn't I see this coming? Why was I so stuck in my own healing to not be able to see my M falling apart and that my WH had not only stopped loving me but was falling in love with another women??? I just feel SOOO stupid!!!

The worse part is, we've been doing really good, really working on R FINALLY, i'm not sitting on the limbo fence anymore. I feel like we get on this good ride, having fun enjoying life together again, and then something happens (lately my own triggers and realizations/feelings) and the ride malfunctions and I go crashing down in a spiral spinning motion that can't be stopped. I feel that coming, I feel me pushing away and sabotaging what we have finally gotten to. But why???

This is going to be a long day into night of thinking everything to death!!!

ETA: i've already warned wh i'm triggering and its not good. He's at work (which is a trigger all in itself). I just feel he needed the heads up so he wasn't walking into an ambush after we have been doing so well. And he knows what my trigger was caused by.

[This message edited by scangel3 at 6:09 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some advice I was given:

Why expend energy on this? Does it really matter? You are only causing yourself more pain by looking for every last bit of information you may have overlooked during the time of the affair. You have no control over what happened in the past - it's done. You can control what you do in the present. Wasting time beating yourself up over something you missed (because - duh - you trusted your husband!) is pointless.

By the way, I have to repeat this to myself several times/day.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scangel

do not feel bad about spirally or triggering. Your WH has himself to thank for them. He should be expecting them for a very long time to come. I think it was good you gave him a heads up. That seemed to help my RH to know that he needed to help me through something. He also came to realize that it was better for me to just come right out and tell him immediately when something triggered me then to even let it go undealt with for an hour. My mind could turn a simple thing into a completely nightmare in an hour. Thankfully our MC backed up that I had no control over this and hubby NEVER complained.

Woman...I too had to dig until everything was unturned. I still check once in a while but it isn't as gripping anymore. My WH 4 year affair almost killed me and I needed to arm myself with everything. It also made him realize I wasn't going to stop until I felt he was telling me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way, I talked my fWH into leaving his old job for this other one. He met the OW a few months after he started his new job so I feel like I helped make the perfect storm. But in reality, he couldve taken me to work with him everyday, I couldve done everything perfectly for him and in the end it was his decision to cheat on me regardless of my efforts to keep him faithfull. He was also raised by cheaters and his mom was the OW at one point, so I feel like he was predisposed or destined to be unfaithful because of his upbringing. There's nothing I couldve done about that. Its in no way your fault. Good luck

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 6:41 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for your replies and support. Yes I still look for things, look on his phone every once in a while, and for good reason, although I haven't found anything A related since they took it underground 3 years ago (ow wasn't as good at taking it under ground, her BS told me the A was still active and never stopped), but I still look time to time for peace of mind. BUT I was not looking this time or when I found my journal, we just moved and are going through boxes to get rid of stuff and I found them. I keep thinking maybe its a sign to keep my guard up, or whatever. We have so much stuff to go through and I know there's other things that I will stumble upon that will send me triggering, like ANY pictures from my sons 2nd birthday party at the zoo, which I too have seen in the last couple days since it was his 5th bday a couple days ago. I wish I could just shove it all away and not go through it, but we can't afford our storage unit anymore and have to downsize, so I have to go through things. Then I also fear I will stumble upon something he forgot about.

Its a big mess, but I have to do it. I have to get my life back!!! I'm just going to be spiraling down in the process.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did I in some way start these "outside of work" conversations between them?

R is about Forgiveness:
Have you forgiven yourself, scangel3?
Then you can work on forgiving WH.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwantdoover, I have not forgiven him, I thought I had at one point but then I got 3 years of TT, so I've started all over. I don't feel I need to forgive myself, I didn't do anything to make this happen except get sick with PPD, and trust my husband. Yes I have self pity days when I feel like I did something wrong, because I still can't believe the person I knew and married would do that so it must have been me. But those moments are fleeting, after dealing with the guilt and shame of PPD I know none of it was in my control, except my actions.

So although I never thought I needed to forgive myself for any of this, I can see there are somethings I need to get past that I had chosen myself in this process, that I need to forgive myself for, I guess. I just never thought about it that way.

This is why I love this site, I wish it didn't have to exist but since it does, its so helpful. It makes me really think and see things differently, and is so helpful, even the things I didn't want to hear, make me think and evaluate. I don't know were I would be without you guys, I just wish I had found you guys during the A, not 2.5 years after.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Topic Posts: 7

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