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Newest Member: formerlyjoyful (44597)

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User Topic: He never stopped loving me??
pantsonfire106
♂ New Member
Member # 35748
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a WS I may be suicidal responding to this thread but I have to say that there is no way I loved my BS during my 6.5 year LTEA. For me, now seeing with open eyes, love is action, behavior and is manifested by loyalty, compassion, support, deep abiding affection, none of which by the very fact of my betrayal I demonstrated to her.
Nope, sorry, love and cheating are just mutually exclusive.
And now saying I love her is meaningless without doing all of the things that love is and should have been.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2012
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TxsT - thank you for sharing your story. I relate to an awful lot of it. The truth is, we were having amazing sex just about every day during his affair - although he made a point NOT to have sex with us both ON THE SAME DAY. I feel gross now, thinking that he was having sex with me because he was turned on thinking about her. Barf.

So, do you feel like you can still salvage the memories from your life together before the affair? I am afraid I have lost those forever.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 798 | Registered: Jul 2013
keeponkeepingon
♀ Member
Member # 32935
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It means he's an idiot

^^^^THIS

I got the ILYBNILWY speech. I was floored. No working it out. Nothing. Then I found out the truth about the A.

We stayed separated for a year after those hateful words. We are working on R now. He says he always did love me but was f*cked up. The best way he can describe it is that he went crazy. He term for the fog.

MrKOKO is doing everything he possibly can to make things right and help us heal. But those hearing him tell me he was no longer in love with me is seared into my memory.

Now I am not sure about my feelings. After a year of working toward R this still may be a dealbreaker.

"Three words that became hard to say- I and Love and You."-Avett Brothers


"I know you and you know me and I know you can see. So help me get my way back to you"

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: On the corner of Grey St at the end of the world
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It feels like that scene from Lord of the Rings, where the king is possessed by the spirit of Saroman (or whatever his name was) - after the spell is broken, he comes to his senses, and awakens to discover his whole kingdom in shambles. It feels like that. Like, he loved me, we had a beautiful marriage, and I was the most amazing wife in the world one day, and then the next day suddenly I didn't respect him, I didn't understand him, I didn't appreciate him, I didn't do enough for him, I didn't even warrant a Valentine's Day gift - but she did.

And now he's awake and sees it all clearly. He knows it was all about his vanity, his ego, his lack of self-respect. He says he feels like a drunk driver must feel when they sober up and realize they've run over their child.

But I just keep thinking, 'I would never have done that to you'. I still never would.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 798 | Registered: Jul 2013
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I see it when the A is going on they do not love the BS in the same sense of the word. The waywards look at love as a feeling instead of an action and a feeling. They feel good during the A because someone is stroking their ego and making them feel better about themselves. The BS is looking at love as actions and feelings that the Wayward is no longer capable of at that time. In other words love has two entirely different meanings for the BS and the WS.

I know my WH#2 said that he never loved the OW the way he loved me. I feel that is true. What he loved was the way it made him feel, not just sexually but the ego stroking she did. He was in a LTA and by the time I found out, they were both getting disenchanted with their relationship. He was seeing her for the middle aged pathetic woman she was and she was mad because he wouldn't leave me for her and was threathening him if he stopped seeing her. Even then they carried it on (not as much) for another year after DDay#1. When I asked him why, he said because he had no real consequences from me and she was still clinging to him and agreeing to whatever he wanted of her. Selfish as it sounds, that was his mindset. He didn't really want her, but it was easier than breaking it off with her. He says he never really wanted a divorce from me and he thought we had grown apart (yes, A's have that result on a marriage). Luckily I never got the ILYBINILWY speech. If he ever said that then I would have filed for D for sure and maybe that's why he never said it. I also feel wierd when he says he loves me now and I now feel weird say it back to him also. I don't feel for him the way I once did and I have told him that. I could even sometimes say ILYBINILWY and mean it myself. To me trust is the foundation of love and I no longer feel that I could ever trust him again with my heart.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to love him with my whole heart. I will never love him, or anyone, like that ever again. I will die never knowing what it feels like to love like that, and to be loved in return with that same love. That depresses the crap out of me. I used to joke that he had ruined me for other men - I had no idea how true those words would be.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 798 | Registered: Jul 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to joke that he had ruined me for other men - I had no idea how true those words would be.

I just had a conversation with my WH about this recently. How I do not believe in "true love" "soulmates" "happily ever after" or the "Prince" anymore. My WH was very sad as he prides himself on being a KISA. My WH fell on his own sword when he had his A.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never watch 'Becoming Jane' or 'The Notebook' again, or shed happy tears at a wedding, or believe in the notion of 'soul mates'. Fell on his sword, is right. So glad I'm on anti-depressants.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 798 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to love him with my whole heart. I will never love him, or anyone, like that ever again. I will die never knowing what it feels like to love like that, and to be loved in return with that same love. That depresses the crap out of me. I used to joke that he had ruined me for other men - I had no idea how true those words would be.

This really struck something in me. I've been cheated on in prior relationships, and it hurt. But somehow I always managed to still believe in love, and still be that optimistic, happy girl. Then I met WS, and felt that all my struggles were worth it because I finally met the man that was "the one" for me. He was so perfect in so many ways, and he helped me overcome my trust issues from my past. And then I found out that he had sex with two other women while he was with me. And it's like my world crashed. I no longer feel capable of loving anyone the way that I loved him. I think the A killed my innocence and hope, and I worry that I will never be the same person I used to be.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1106 | Registered: Jul 2013
Gipper
♂ Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plainpain and lonelygirl,
You got room for one more in your little group? You really nailed it for me too.

Posts: 717 | Registered: May 2011
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Wh says the same crap," I always LOVED YOU, I never loved HER." Meanwhile he was spending hours a day on the phone with her and not coming home or spending time with me or the kids. My response, " If this is/was what you call love then I Don't Want It." He still holds on to the same mantra. I don't think he realizes that I would feel better if he acknowledged that someone acting loving wouldn't cheat for two years.

Posts: 616 | Registered: Sep 2012
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, you are all speaking directly to my heart. My WH (after 5 months of attempted R) says he's just so tortured because he "loves" both of us! I thought he was out of the Fog when he admitted his LTA was an addiction and took place in a bubble of unreality. I thought we were doing well - even went away for our 20th anniversary and on a week's vacation with the kids. He was doing so many things right to help my healing. Then, suddenly starts having withdrawal (I'm guessing) and starts getting distant with me. Tells me he's having trouble "connecting physically" with me. I read this as "I can't stop thinking about her when I'm with you". I thought I hit absolute bottom at Dday. I just got sucker punched again. After that devastating conversation, he tells me he "loves" me. REALLY? ((PainPain)) Thank you for your definition of love. I'm going to use that one! BTW, the OW is only 2 years younger than me, but the president of a company, just like him. She divorced her part-time/stay-at-home H during the A. I also gave up my career to work part-time and to raise our children while he succeeded in his career. So, I gather, they lost respect for those of us whose shoulders they stood on while they climbed the career ladder and kicked us in the heads when they reached the top and found each other. I'm still fuming... Can you tell? (Think I'm hitting a bad anger phase!)

I'm taking a little step back from R to clear my head and calm myself down. I'm considering writing him a letter re: the Fog and his ideas on LOVE... He doesn't want to lose the family. He feels very remorseful about the A, but can't seem to get over the OW yet. Is this normal?????


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
16forever
♀ Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H said it to not sure how I feel bout it but him saying he loved her how could he love me to , because at one time he loved her more thats why he left me and gave me D papers so he could be with the one he loved I to cant watch love story movies or cry happy tears at weddings I wanted our love like that so it breaks my heart when I see those things so I don't think he loved me during any of the A's because if he knew how much it hurt me and still does everyday than he would have done any of those things he even said until her pulled head out of butt and came back home he never really gave me his whole heart ( yup that still brings tears to my eyes ) only because I gave him all I had and then made up for what he didn't give to me in return all with a smile so nope they don't love us while in the A


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
Topic Posts: 33
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