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User Topic: She doesn't trust me?
ceilingwalker
♂ Member
Member # 39948
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to know if someone here might have an answer to this: My wife continues to tell me that she can't trust me. I ask her why not, what did I do to you. She said it is long and complicated she just can't trust me, that's all. She cheated on me, I have never cheated on her EVER. What is it about me she doesn't trust? Not knowing all of the history I realize no one is going to know exactly but I have to tell ya, I can't think in 13 years of anything I did to make her not trust me and the fact that she can't give me a specific incident leaves me scratching my head.


My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's full of shit.

You have given her full transparency..and always have.

She cheated and refuses transparency.

She is the one who can't be trusted.

She is telling you she can't trust you to either distract you from the issues at hand..her cheating and failure to do anything to rebuild the relationship.

Or she is telling you she can't trust you...and THAT is why she won't give her passwords.

Either way...she is full of shit.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6652 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was told I was breaking trust if I
1. Spoke to a soul about what was going on
2. "snooped" for info

Therefore you cant be trusted to just let her do whatever she wants to you is my experience with this kind of behavior.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She probably means she can't trust you not to look at her phone, not to find out what she is doing behind your back. etc.

Those are the words H used on me when I noticed his OW's phone number on his phone and then started looking at the phone records. What she should say is she can't hide from you. All she is doing is blame shifting. It has nothing to do with you but everything to do with her.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes the WS has huge trust issues because they know that they cheated and got away with it for so long, so they wonder if you're doing the same thing.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 732 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH said these things and a lot more. It's a distraction technique, it gets your thought process off track. It shifted the focus (maybe even blame) from her behavior to yours. With you searching for a memory that would lead her to make that statement. It takes the wind/anger out of your argument for a second, giving her time to regroup.

Hugs,

K

ps. Therapist told me to switch the 'you' in his statements with 'I' and vice versa-I would have an accurate assessment of the situation. She was right!

[This message edited by Kajem at 1:27 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4025 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ceiling, get RIGHT UP in her grill and tell her to fuck off. She either comes to heel or you punt her ass to the curb.

Jesus, brother, I always get so angry when I read what she's doing to you.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is trying to deflect some of the things she is thinking you are going to tell her.

Childish approach as if to say to anything you hold her accountable on is, " well ya I don't trust you either."

Just point out what you told us here. Out of the two of you, she is the one that proved she is worthy of mistrust.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
ceilingwalker
♂ Member
Member # 39948
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a distraction technique

Funny you should say that because that was the impression I was getting last night.


My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep posting. My divorce was 10 years ago.... My memory gets triggered every now and then. XH is a narcissist-getting the divorce was easy, ( he wanted it) it was the years of visitation that were the problem.

If you were thinking distraction technique-well I have 3 words for you: TRUST YOUR GUT.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4025 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously I can't know for certain, but it sounds like projection to me.

It's hard to know exactly without probing more deeply into what it is that she doesn't trust you to do (or not do), but I had something similar with my WW.

Prior to discovering the affair (and even after), she would go on about how she didn't trust me. In what way, you ask?

Well, when she first precipitated the crisis, she assaulted me with a bevy of criticisms and called out union into question. I was devastated by this, and the only thing I knew to do was to try and take her seriously and ask for a chance to work on the things that she was unhappy with. She told me that if I hadn't changed for all the years of our marriage, she couldn't trust me to change now.

This was the excuse she used for not working on the marriage. All of our counselors told us that the only way to know if your marriage can be saved is to try to save it. She wasn't willing to, and so she justified it by saying that she had been trying for years to communicate her needs to me with no response, which gave her all the information she needed to be able to reject any possibility of a better future.

There are a lot of things wrong with this (points if you can pick them all out), but of course one of the biggest ones was the absolute hypocrisy of talking about trust when she was lying, cheating, and manipulating through the entire process.

I still think that the choice of words was strange. She could have gotten the idea across that she was not optimistic about our future without talking about "trusting" me. After all, when had I ever broken a promise to her? That's why I say that it's projection. She had to project fault onto me in the area of trust in order to deflect guilt and awareness away from the monumental ways in which she betrayed my trust.

From the little you've said, this is my hunch.

[This message edited by dbellanon at 8:05 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2013
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's is trying to project *HER* actions onto you, with some blameshifting thrown in for good measure. My H is a compulsive liar and I learned in IC that liars assume everyone else lies. Even if you haven't shown any characteristics which *she* is showing through her actions, she will still try to put *her* thoughts off onto you. You can't deal with crazy, unfortunately.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9614 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said it is long and complicated she just can't trust me, that's all.

She's 'smoke and mirroring' you. Total projection and deflection.

Seriously. If she were to ask you why you don't trust her, you'd be able to come up with concrete reasons, right? You wouldn't answer with some vague 'it's too complicated to get into' answer.

This whole 'I can't trust you' thing cuts pretty close to the bone with me because stbx has always had this attitude. Not because of anything I've ever done...it's his fucked-up FOO shit. And it reared its head again last week. I was asking about something that was business-related. He was being extremely cagey with me and I was trying to pin him down. After about 5 texts he says "you are not the person I can trust anymore." Huh????? Dude. You don't work for the fricking CIA or HomeLand Security. Get the fuck over yourself and answer my f'n question!

She's blowing smoke up your ass, CW, in an effort to change the course of the conversation.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7247 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
TemporalReset
♂ Member
Member # 40125
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW did this when I confronted her with information I only could have gotten from spying on her. She was angry at me for spying, for accessing her phone, for tracking her GPS.

It's blame shifting, don't get sucked into it like I did.

I remember one of the times she found I had placed a GPS on one of our cars and used the information to show that she was with the OM. She raged at me and threatened to leave. I was so confused and desperate to keep her that I begged and pleaded and cried to get her to stay.

Sigh....

Just don't get sucked into it. They are the ones who hurt us, the ones who broke trust.

TR


Me: BS 40
Her: WS 32
Kids: 3,6
A1 - Summer 2009 PA, 2009-2011 Incomplete or False R
A2 - 2012-2013 EA
Status: NC AP, MC & R

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her saying she can't trust you as about her and her issues. I interpret what she is saying is she can't trust anyone and most likely that is a FOO issue. This is what she needs to resolve. If she isn't willing to then I am not sure R is possible. I am not sure how can you trust her especially after knowing she engaged in an A before and during your marriage. She needs to do a lot of work before I could would trust her. But that is up to you to decide. My advice is to not let her make what she did about you. Her A is about her decisions. Her lack of trust without valid reasons is about her and has nothing to do with you.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
3Xthefool
♂ Member
Member # 40113
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the whole thing with a WS saying that they don't trust the BS is Psychology 101.

It's known as a defense mechanism. In this case the defense mechanism is called "transference". In this defense mechanism the person is unable to process and deal with their own culpability and shortcomings and so they deal with it by "transferring" it onto the other person.

In this way, they avoid having to come to terms with any unresolved internal conflicts within themselves and are able to essentially compartmentalize it and attach it to the other person.

My guess is that there is something that she is keeping secret from you. This may be additional information about the affair or about her own emotional state right now.

IMHO.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 16

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