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User Topic: "I deserve to be happy"
Mack9512
♀ Member
Member # 38619
Concerned  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I've been a member of SI, I have seen this quote a lot as the Wayward's reason/excuse for the A. My own fWH used this as his excuse, I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now. Once you are in a committed relationship there is no more "I". Moreover, once you have a children the "I" aspect falls even farther down the line of importance. Maybe this way of thinking is naive, but it was how I was raised and it was the example that my parents provided. They were married for 52 years!

My fWH believed that he was unhappy and that 'i' (I'm using the lowercase here to show my un-importance in his thinking) was responsible for his unhappiness. That "HE" could only find “HIS” happiness in the arms of another woman.

We had many discussions after the first DDay up to the last DDay, and a large percentage of the discussions centered on his need for INDIVIDUAL happiness. My argument was that once you are in a committed relationship the goal is to have a COMBINED happiness and that this type of happiness needs to be constantly worked on. Cultivated so to speak. I will admit that neither one of us were very good at the cultivating but I was willing to work on it; he decided to put his happiness before everyone else’s…even his DD’s.

This is the one thing that I am having the hardest time dealing with, and now that we have entered A season I find myself dwelling on this one written statement, “I need to be happy and if it is wrong to put my happiness before DD , then I guess I’m never going to be right”. Yep, he wrote this in an email that he sent to me in an effort to get me to understand why the OW was SOOOOOO important to him. (I still have this email in my ‘just in case file’.)

I look at my DD’s beautiful face. I listen to her laughter. Watch her while she sings in her sleep. I become overwhelmed with the joy of having brought this amazingly little girl into the world, but I worry about what type of world I brought her into if so many people believe that their “right to be happy” is more important than anything else.

Sorry. Just melancholy musings from A season. I promised lhap that I would try his concept of blocking out time to deal with the A season garbage, so this is my first attempt. I will deal with this one aspect of the A today and then move on to more happy endeavors…like getting home to play with the puppy before DD and fWH get home.


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 408 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Foggy thinking. It also implies that his happiness is more important than the happiness of others. Ok, for others to be unhappy as long as I'm doing things that make ME happy.

If you are in R,or contemplating it, it's important that he now sees this way of thinking as you do and can see his selfishness for what it is.

If not, ugh.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, my Wxh's logic went like this:

I am not happy. I am with Williesmom. Williesmom is the reason that I am not happy.

Also, when I asked him why he cheated - he said "she makes me feel good about myself".

I am not in charge of anyone's happy. Find your own happy, jagoff.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Mack9512
♀ Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Markone, my fWH and I are happily in R. It's early R but I believe we will make it through to the other side.

He can't believe he said the things that he did at the beginning of his A and I cannot forget the things that he said.

This is my first A season and I'm having some difficulty sorting through all of the thoughts and feelings that I have.


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 408 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look at my DD’s beautiful face. I listen to her laughter. Watch her while she sings in her sleep. I become overwhelmed with the joy of having brought this amazingly little girl into the world, but I worry about what type of world I brought her into if so many people believe that their “right to be happy” is more important than anything else.

This made me cry. I mean, it doesn't take much to make me cry lately, but I try to hold it together at work. I was holding my daughter last night, thinking this exact thing. She's so beautiful and amazing, and I never thought that this would happen to her life. I wanted her to grow up with a mommy and daddy who love each other, through thick and thin. With siblings and a dog and the cliche white picket fence.

My husband has taken that away from her, although he doesn't and probably won't ever see it that way. His right to "privacy" and "friends" are more important than his little girl. WTF?


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 5

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