Since I've been a member of SI, I have seen this quote a lot as the Wayward's reason/excuse for the A. My own fWH used this as his excuse, I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now. Once you are in a committed relationship there is no more "I". Moreover, once you have a children the "I" aspect falls even farther down the line of importance. Maybe this way of thinking is naive, but it was how I was raised and it was the example that my parents provided. They were married for 52 years!
My fWH believed that he was unhappy and that 'i' (I'm using the lowercase here to show my un-importance in his thinking) was responsible for his unhappiness. That "HE" could only find “HIS” happiness in the arms of another woman.
We had many discussions after the first DDay up to the last DDay, and a large percentage of the discussions centered on his need for INDIVIDUAL happiness. My argument was that once you are in a committed relationship the goal is to have a COMBINED happiness and that this type of happiness needs to be constantly worked on. Cultivated so to speak. I will admit that neither one of us were very good at the cultivating but I was willing to work on it; he decided to put his happiness before everyone else’s…even his DD’s.
This is the one thing that I am having the hardest time dealing with, and now that we have entered A season I find myself dwelling on this one written statement, “I need to be happy and if it is wrong to put my happiness before DD , then I guess I’m never going to be right”. Yep, he wrote this in an email that he sent to me in an effort to get me to understand why the OW was SOOOOOO important to him. (I still have this email in my ‘just in case file’.)
I look at my DD’s beautiful face. I listen to her laughter. Watch her while she sings in her sleep. I become overwhelmed with the joy of having brought this amazingly little girl into the world, but I worry about what type of world I brought her into if so many people believe that their “right to be happy” is more important than anything else.
Sorry. Just melancholy musings from A season. I promised lhap that I would try his concept of blocking out time to deal with the A season garbage, so this is my first attempt. I will deal with this one aspect of the A today and then move on to more happy endeavors…like getting home to play with the puppy before DD and fWH get home.