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User Topic: NC?
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I did it. I FINALLY told him that I can't have contact with him. I wasn't mean about it. After I had done it I felt sad. For about three weeks he had been sending me cute videos and pictures he knew I would like. I didn't want to break contact with him but his contact was keeping me stuck and I really need to move on from him. It was causing me a great deal of anxiety. I would be waiting for him to contact. I would wonder why when he hadn't. Then when he did, for a while at least it was a relief, I could finally relax because he has messaged me. Then of course it just went on and on like that, around in circles.

When I told him that I needed space (maybe not the right word to use but it was all I could manage despite my friends telling me to just tell him to F off and ignore him) he replied saying, "I'm sorry :( take care piglet", URGHHH!

I know what NC is. I know it is meant for healing and this is what I am desperate to do now. But I would like to know how it works? What can I expect from this?

Today my head has been in a bit of a spin. I kinda regret telling him that but I know I needed to otherwise this will just go on forever and I can't take anymore. I haven't seem him now in a while so that part should be easy at least. It's the contact that is hard to do without even if it really is superficial stuff. I believe he is NPD and I know that those relationships can be addictive and I realise that I am probably addicted to contact from him.

How long until it gets easier? I want to get to a place where I really no longer care about him, what he's doing etc. I want to get to a place where I don't care if I never see or hear from him again but in the same way, I'm scared of moving on from it and feeling nothing for him.

As hard as it is, I hope this time he respects my wishes for NC and will leave me alone so that I can get past this.

What have been your experiences with NC? How long has it taken you to start to get over it and feel better.

So far, he hasn't contacted me today so I guess this is DAY 1 NC. I am pretty sure I will be able to resist contacting him, I have always been good at that, it's just that I know it's going to drive me insane when he doesn't even tough it is my request, and not responding has always been a weakness of mine, because I find it hard to ignore people.

Experiences?


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hurtagain - I don't have any personal experience with no contact, but from what I understand, it is about taking some time for you and your healing. Doing things that you enjoy and are fulfilling to you. Getting a break from the insanity.

I'm sure some folks who have been there will be along that can offer you advice, but I wanted to let you know that you have been heard.


Posts: 7657 | Registered: Dec 2010
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^Bumping^ in hopes someone out there can relate to what you're dealing with.

Hang in there and stay strong!!


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198457 | Registered: May 2002
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HURTAGAIN, I am here right now because I am currently a BS. But in the past, I was a WG (wayward girlfriend). My boyfriend found out about the affair (because the OM told him!), and we went through all of the same stages of recovery, including NC with the OM. I remember how hard it was, because I felt like I was losing a friend. In fact, I never did keep my promise of NC, even though I had offered complete transparency to my boyfriend. Obviously, my contact was discovered because I just couldn't leave it alone. I cheated 3 times (with the same man), and in the end, I realized that he wasn't worth losing an awesome guy over. Unfortunately, I had long since fallen out of love with my boyfriend and I left him anyway.

Now that I am the one being cheated on, when my husband says "We're 'just friends', and I should be able to talk to a friend," I know better. NC is an absolute must, and if you're serious about fixing your marriage, you need to do whatever you have to to keep from contacting the OM and to keep him from contacting you. Delete his phone #, e-mail address, whatever and try to forget them. Block his e-mails and phone # so you won't even know if he tries to contact you. I even had it set up so that the OM's e-mail went straight to my trash bin, and I just went ahead and deleted everything in it every time I logged on, without even checking it. Spend time with your husband (and/or kids?) or anybody. Keep yourself busy, and anytime you feel the urge to contact him, or wonder what he's doing, remind yourself what it is you really want. And know that you will never have it if you don't maintain NC.

I hope this helps, since it's advice from someone who was unsuccessful with NC during my own affair. Now that it's over (3 years ago), I have a much better understanding of the inner workings of affairs. Not really something to brag about, I know, but it was quite helpful in helping me discover my husband's infidelity.

Good luck, feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to talk.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to know how it works?

It gives your brain a chance to heal. Seriously. Rejection triggers chemicals as impacting as the "falling in love" ones. It's supposed to. It's a left over from a rather sustaining biological imperative. People needed others to survive at a time when there weren't Starbucks on every corner.

Rejection of the group meant pretty certain death. Your brain still retains that trigger and it goes into survival mode. You can see it in the animal kingdom. The submission and "kiss up" (I'm not an animal behaviorist so pretty loose on the terms) behavior to curry favor and stay in the herd/pack/group. The whole Omega wolf (shit taker) deal.

Wow, sort of got off track there, but that's what NC helps with. Detachment and healing. If you're doing it to get a response it's going to keep you in a "rejection loop".

Work on detachment and try to not focus on his responses or reactions.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all!

Krazy,

Thanks for your response. I am not married and don't have children. This is NC with xNPD boyriend and it's been hell trying to untangle myself from this mess. We broke up in March/April because of his lies, cheating and complete disrespect for me. He hasn't left me alone since. I have tried to get him out of my life many times but he just keeps on pulling me back in. I can't do it anymore. I just need to move on and keep the end goal in mind.

uncertainone,

Thank you for that. I do need to detach and heal. I am not doing it to get a response from him as he was in constant contact with me anyway really but the contact really isn't doing my any good. I don't want HIM back but I miss certain things and what I hoped he was, he really isn't that person though and that is what I have a hard time coming to terms with.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 6

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