I actually have had lots and lots but only count 4, one for each year.
The first one, (June '09)I found out while he was in rehab for alcohol. The sobering up took precedence to the affair and we just rug swept it. Anytime I asked questions, he just said "I don't remember" or "I was drunk" or the best one "I don't know". Swore it was over. NOT!! Had a few more d-days in between the next doozy.
D-day #2, (April '10)following year, come to find out, they were texting on my b-day (how sweet) and meeting up again. Again, alcohol was involved. Swore he wanted to be with me, got sober for some months,and I got some books for us. The books did not get completed and the drinking was going on again. I started IC and AD's so that I could function. I was desperate to believe that it was the alcohol that was making him do these things and treat me the way he did. If I could just get him sober, all of this could be fixed. He saw me come this close to a nervous break down.
D-Day #3, (July '11)he wanted to see how she was doing, the drinking was still rampant and I was getting numb. I filed for divorce, he asked for one more chance, I gave it, he white knuckled sobriety for awhile and swore that they did not do anything physical.
In the beginning of '12, he went to rehab one more time, I again thought maybe this time but I was very cautious and was lining up my ducks. The drinking starts again, he starts ignoring me again. This time I am just done, it takes two to make R work and he was too busy making oblivion work for him to be bothered with R. I file again for divorce, he gets in contact with her again and the rest is history.
Every D-Day I had involved the same OW.
In his quest for freedom, he set me free!
[This message edited by WastedTime12 at 8:05 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]
I honestly don't know, I just did it. I felt like I was falling apart. And I did for quite some time. I'm just now feeling "normal" again.
How do I know his R is real?
There is a very NOTED difference this time than when we were in false R. My gut is no longer screaming at me.
Did you feel R was real after first d-day and how do you deal with more d-days?
We had a year of false R. At the time I *wanted* to believe it was real, but in my heart, I knew it wasn't. I knew that he was still hiding things, that I didn't know it all, but I didn't know WHAT he was hiding. I thought he'd only had one affair, and that I didn't know all the details of that. What I didn't know is that he'd had 3 more affairs, one long term one for over 2 years.
For those of you with more than one d-day, looking back, were there signs that his R was false?
His defensiveness. His anger. Him not wanting to discuss things in detail. His avoidance. The fact that he was still jeckyl and hyde. He was still very secretive in many ways.
That the A was still going on?
For us, it wasn't the same A, but non-disclosure about previous ones and one new one, and then one new attempted one (unreciprocated) which led to him being reported for sexual harassment (he was her boss) and him being fired. BOOOM, my world had a huge bomb dropped on it.
That he was still lying through his teeth?
My gut was screaming that he was still lying. I just didn't know about WHAT. I didn't know how to get it out of him either. When he got fired though, suddenly I had way more power. And then I was able to force disclosures. I told him I was going to go to his former boss to find out exactly why he was fired. I told him he was GOING to have a polygraph if he even remotely thought he had a chance in our marriage. He was so scared that he disclosed. Then, I went to every single AP he had and got even MORE truth, which I then confronted him about even more. He was still very much in "cover my ass" mode for the first couple weeks. Once he realized he could no longer do that?? He came clean about everything.
Want to trust R, but obviously can't trust a thing right now.
If your gut is telling you something. Believe it. We are NOW a year into TRUE R and the difference is astounding. There are no secrets, no defensiveness, no anger. He helps me heal, he is transparent completely.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Then I found out that what I knew about the first infidelity was only the tip of the iceberg. That was a different d-day, and occurred 12 years after the first.
Again, I laid out boundaries for R---and he pretended to go along with them. This time, I felt a huge disconnect. He was furious. (How DARE I expect him to deal with stuff he'd "stopped doing" a dozen years ago? He'd been "a good husband," damn it!)
He sure showed me. He had a full-blown affair (rather than his typical stranger sex with paid partners), complete with I-love-yous and vast sharing of personal information about me (much of which was untrue).
Shortly before I learned of that infidelity, I knew something was up. I started digging and learned of at least 2 ONSs. This discovery, and the "transparency" that followed (in quotation marks because he scoured all accounts...only the idiot left one email exchange with in the trash; his VERY FIRST action, when I confronted him, was not to comfort me or ...anything. It was to run to the computer and delete that message permanently. Yep.)
After THAT discovery, I learned he'd cheated pretty consistently throughout our marriage. He'd had a massive heart attack in 1999 (the terminal d-day was toward the end of 2101), and was quite disabled---and we had had sex together SIX TIMES since 1999. His meds and illness "made it too hard." Most disabled men I know strive to maintain a sex life. They engage in other forms of touch and find it important to themselves and their partners.
I got nothing.
Turns out, he was handing it out elsewhere. The risk of sudden cardiac death jumps astronomically during extramarital sex, in a man with disease as advanced as his. He just didn't care---if his body had to be lifted off an Adult Friend Finder hookup, he just didn't care.
But I did. After an embarrassingly long six months of pretending R was even possible, I threw in the towel very shortly after my suspicions of personality disorder were professionally confirmed.
My entire adult life, through 2012, was a lie. All of it.
How did I get through it? This will sound very trite. I surrendered. I gave up things I cannot control. (This was so central to my healing that I have the word "surrender" tattooed inside my left wrist now.) I learned to breathe. (Really, it was biofeedback training in IC.) I went NC and, though I had a few lapses, I learned that it was vital to my well-being.
When I see him now, it's like seeing the stranger he is. He was always a stranger.
In a strange way, this one hasn't been quite as bad for me. I think it's because I know how I'm going to feel and how I'll react to certain things, where the first time it was such a life-altering shock. This time I knew he was capable, where I didn't before. Not to imply that it isn't horrific, because it is, but it's a little less awful. I don't even know what that says about me... I think I must be losing it.
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.