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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is this appropriate?
abigailadams
♀ Member
Member # 37556
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbx has taken DD, 8, 9 in August, to the his family's beach house for the week. No one has agreed to come so it will be just the two of them. I facetimed with DD yesterday and she mentioned that Papa only brought one set of sheets so we are sleeping in the same bed. There are three bedrooms in the house and three beds in the room where they are staying. Would this bother you? I am feeling very uncomfortable about this but don't know if I am being alarmist. I don't think he is capable of sexually molesting her but then again I am the one who believed that he was "on a business trip" or slept in his car because he drank too much. and even without that it does seem like an example of bad boundaries.


Me BS 54
Him WS 51
Married 10 years together 13
DDay October 11, 2012

Posts: 134 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Brooklyn, NY
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion, there is a massive difference between cheating on your spouse and sexually molesting a child. World's difference.

Do I think that it's poor form? Yes. However, I also know a lot of people that do a "family bed" and share beds with their children. I used to crawl into bed with my parents (sometimes just my dad) if I had a bad dream as a child.

You can, however, put in the visitation agreement that the children have their own beds and that opposite sex children have their own bedrooms - more important as the kids approach puberty.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15251 | Registered: Jun 2006
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the question is "is this appropriate?"...personally I don't think it is. How do your children feel about it?
My kids sleep on their beds all the time without sheets.
It's a jump to say he would molest them, but it certainly doesn't show a lot of foresight or consideration for the situation.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
phillygirl
♀ Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can't he go by the store and get another set of cheap sheets so she can have her own bed?

Or -

Why can't he sleep on one of the beds without sheets and let her have the bed with sheets?

Is he really that cheap/lazy?


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 824 | Registered: Dec 2005
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your DD has been sleeping in your bed since being a baby then he (and she) probably think nothing of it. It is not unusual for me to share bed with DD16 on vacation even now, but we are both female.

You might, gently and carefully, mention to stbx that DD is getting older and her body is starting to go thru changes. And that in the future she should plan on her sleeping in her own bed and in a separate room if possible.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
abigailadams
♀ Member
Member # 37556
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. It is very confirming to hear all of your input. I don't want to be the crazy, controlling xW but I also want my stbx to take good care of DD when she is with him. I am not sure how to proceed but I know that I must confront the issue directly and can't sweep it under the rug. It is weird that he planned for them to sleep in the same bed. another thing entirely than if she had a nightmare and wanted to sleep with him.


Me BS 54
Him WS 51
Married 10 years together 13
DDay October 11, 2012

Posts: 134 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Brooklyn, NY
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weird you posted this as I was just talking to my mom about this this morning. My boys are 6 and 9, and they are always begging to sleep with me. I have allowed them sometimes, but I was just saying how they need to learn to be independent and sleep in their own beds. Perhaps in this stressful time of divorce, they want and need the cuddles, but I do feel like people might judge me sometimes since we are opposite sex..

At ex's house, he put the mattresses from the bunkbeds on the floor in another room and both of them and MOW's son (same age) sleep all together there every night he has them.. I really don't think it's appropriate. There's enough damn rooms in that house for them all to have their own room, and they need to learn independence.

I really don't know. I do think gender and puberty play a huge roll in this. Neither of my boys have hit puberty yet, so I don't feel that bad about letting them fall asleep with me once in a while..

But I'm wondering if they have blankets? Doesn't he have a "set" of sheets that has 2 pieces that could both be used at the bottom? I could wrap myself in one blanket if I had to, so I don't see how they can't work this out and sleep on a blanket or whatever..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2005 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that unless this would have bothered you prior to the divorce you are being unreasonable now. I would let my 8 year old son sleep in bed with me. But I don't make a habit out of having a family bed. Also when my husband's son is here for his visitation the kids usually have sleepovers in one bedroom. It's fun for them and doesn't hurt anything. They are all independent sleepers on a regular basis.

Posts: 454 | Registered: Aug 2009
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Family bed I was never comfortable with. My mother does it, against my wishes. She even advised me to do it, when we were first abandoned.

I understand your worries, Abigail. I have more alarm at some things nearly ExH and his family do after the A and other cheating was exposed, because I feel like I don't know him now. He takes tremendous offense at being questioned, so I have to tread extra carefully.

Anyway...my two cents is somewhere in the middle of all the answers to your thread

I don't have any active advice, but wanted to write to show support because even though it's different issues, I've felt the same way...worry that I'm reading too much into things.

And...what about a sleeping bag?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your DD mentioned it on your facetime chat, then it must be on her mind. Or was she just answering a question from you about sleeping arrangements?

If she brought it up, then I would make sure she had a sleeping bag with her next time and possibly bring a friend. Most kids do that when they go places like that alone.

Is it far from where you live. Personally, I'd be driving up there an dropping off a sleeping bag. Done - no muss, no fuss.

If he's offended, tell him to use his brain next time.

[This message edited by Pippy at 6:05 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Topic Posts: 10

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