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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Whose car is it anyway?
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I divorced, our decree stipulated that I keep the car I usually drove and Ex keep the car he usually drove. He traded his car in for a mid-life-crisis sports car with a tiny back seat and miniscule trunk. I bought a new sedan last year, but kept my old car so my 16 yo would have an old car to drive for errands, school activities, etc.

Lately when my Ex has been coming for dinner visits during the week, he asks my son to drive "son's car" from my house to the restaurant, parking his mid-life-crisis-mobile on my street. It irritates me because "son's car" legally belongs to me and I pay 100% of insurance, registration, inspection, maintenance, and gas. Not to mention foregoing the value of trading it in. The only thing Ex kicks in for is the cost of insuring my son as a driver.

Our divorce decree clearly states that Ex is responsible for transportation for his dinner visits. But I have said nothing in the name of keeping the peace. It's just a few miles to a local dinner place, right? Why stir the pot?

Well if you don't set your boundaries early, they will trample all over them. Today I sent an email to Ex asking when he is picking the kids up to take them for his week long vacation with them. He blithely replied that because HIS mid-life-crisis-mobile won't hold the stuff they need for a week long vacation, son will drive "son's car" on Ex's vacation with them. 100+ miles away. No asking for my permission. No mention of contributing any money.

I hate causing drama with Ex but taking MY car on HIS vacation goes way, way beyond any reasonable boundary.

Besides asserting my boundaries with Ex, I know I also need to speak to son, and explain to him that he is not entitled to loan MY car without my permission. But I hate putting him in the position of saying no to his father.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 266 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That would be a big fat NO WAY. I would simply tell both DS and ExH that you do not want the mileage and extra wear and tear on the vehicle to ensure it lasts as long as possible for DS's future use. I would also mention that, by the way, the vehicle is not DS's, but his to borrow for local driving only. Lastly, I would kindly suggest that if ExH cannot fit everything in his mid-life-crisis-mobile then he needs to make arrangements to get a rental vehicle that will work for them.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 2:35 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix nailed it.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6578 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastly, I would kindly suggest that if ExH cannot fit everything in his mid-life-crisis-mobile then he needs to make arrangements to get a rental vehicle that will work for them.
Phoenix beat me to it. Rental cars really do fit the bill for this type of stuff.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what Phoenix said.

Jeez. What an entitled jerk your x is......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No way, no how. Phoenix did nail it. I would like to add that there is NO WAY IN HELL that I would allow my DD16 to drive 100 miles anywhere unless I was in the passenger seat next to her. Period.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He blithely replied that because HIS mid-life-crisis-mobile won't hold the stuff they need for a week long vacation, son will drive "son's car" on Ex's vacation with them.
Translation: I'm going to use YOUR car to take DS and anyone else I can fit in on vaction.

DS driving WITH them is suddenly going to become, "Well it doesnt make sense to drive two cars when we can all fit in yours, Son".

No WAY would I allow this. Tell XH to rent a car, rent a van, whatever - but the car DS drives (YOUR car) isn't leaving the garage.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6578 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Cookie7088
♀ Member
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my hell, I cannot believe he has the nerve to do this...you tell his ass to figure something else out...

And if your son gives you any grief (cause most teenagers do), just show him the vehicle title, and ask him to have his father buy him a car to keep at his house.


Posts: 671 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would go it further and report it stolen if he pressed the issue and took the vehicle.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29677 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you email him back and tell him "hell fucking no", that putting wear and tear on YOUR car for HIS vacation is unacceptable?

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 6:28 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can rent a car for the trip. Period.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, what happens if son's car (your car) is rear ended or someone backs into it during the vacation? Does xh pay the deductible? Or does that fall to you because xh says, "It's your car so it's yours to repair." I would explain to son that this situation leaves you open to too many variables and you cannot accept the liability. Then, I would explain to xh that rental agencies are available to rent him a more appropriate vacation vehicle. Or, you could drive the car to your friendly mechanic a day or two prior to vacation for a quick 'once over,' basically asking for parking space for a couple days. Then xh has no choice but to rent a vehicle and you are off the hook. Really, your xh has a LOT of nerve.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your feedback and support everyone.

I explained to Ex very politely and without emotion that the car belongs to me and that I pay 100% of the costs of owning it. I also repeated back to him something HE used to quote (from I think either Car Talk or Consumer Reports): that renting a large car for the one week you need it is sensible if you'd otherwise prefer to own a small car.

He replied with an argument that I should let son use the car to prove to him that I trust him.

I guess there are no other ways in the universe to demonstrate my trust than letting son drive on this one trip? Sheesh.

I replied back, again without emotion, that I don't want to have to get into issues about who pays for repairs or accidents on his vacation.

He replied with a long message, saying "this isn't about money, it's about our children". Say what? It isn't about him saving money on renting a car? Yeah right. He also said that it's a "waste" for "son's car" to sit in my car unused for a week. Gee, isn't HIS mid-life-crisis-mobile ALSO going to be "wasted" sitting in HIS garage? And gee, isn't it shocking how he hasn't offered to loan me HIS car for free for a week?

Never at any time did he offer one cent of reimubrsement for wear and tear on my car. (My employer pays me just over $0.5 a mile if I take my personal car on business.)

BTW, I didn't mention that part of Ex's plan was for son to drive to the center of a very large city to pick up Ex at Ex's place, with only younger son as his co-pilot. Older son has driven in this city exactly once, and I was next to him, coaching him the entire time. Gosh isn't it shocking how Ex didn't offer to drive out to my suburb and leave his car here, and save older son the trip into the city and back?

I replied yet again that while I am willing to loan Ex sheets and towels for his vacation house (and I know from experience that Ex will not wash them before returning them) I am not willing to loan my car.

Ex replied, "You haven't changed a bit."

No I HAVE changed. When we were married I jumped through all kinds of hoops to avoid his anger and silent treatment. Now I welcome them, or at least the silent part.

(Thank you for listening to my long rant.)


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 266 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, it sounds like he was really reaching on that one. I like how he ignored the fact that his midlife crisis car was going to be sitting, gathering dust for a week. And even if YOUR card does just sit for a week what difference does that make to him and how is that any of his business? My concern is will he try to turn your son on you in this situation?


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not have sheets available either. Tell him you will need a lot of sheets while you are child free dor the week.

J/k on the reason, but I would not help an iota


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd schedule some maintenance for it. It would be a shame for your son to have to go without a car for a week when he is home.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3466 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Topic Posts: 16

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