I have had NO intuition. No gut feelings. Never the slightest bit of suspicion, discomfort, inappropriateness, nothing. We've only ever actually met in person once. She came to my house for a girls' party I had back in April.
We talked all afternoon. He takes ambien to help him sleep, because of working nights. I know that he has done some bizarre stuff after taking the ambien in the past. He said that he took his ambien and got on the computer for a while before he went to bed this am. I always leave my fb logged in. He saw a post from her on my newsfeed and said it seemed like it would be funny at the time if he wrote a message about himself.
I told him he needs to dig deeper. That this is how his As have started in the past...with something that "didn't mean anything"...until it did.
Sodamnlost, I get that his behavior today is/was not honoring me. That's what had me so bewildered. Because for the past 14 months, he has not stepped one toe out of his line. And it hasn't been me telling him what to do and him "complying."
I do not believe he is cheating or even thinking about it. I know that if he wants to, he will, and I also know that I will eventually find out. He is totally transparent with me. There are no passwords I don't have, phone is open to me. I asked him if there was anything in the call records I needed to know, and I believe him when he says there isn't.
My eyes are wide open and I am back in high alert mode. This is just so completely bizarre and unlike anything he's done before. He has previously been very secretive and sneaky. There was NO way I would not find this. None.
I do want to say that he has not been defensive or angry in any way. He was absolutely willing to talk about this and explore his motives. When our ds14 asked him what was going on, JM told him "I did something really stupid and hurt your mom's feelings really bad today. And I am working on making it right and not doing that again." So he owned it with ds, and that's important to me.
Now I'm also trying to figure out what to do with this friendship. Because I don't think I can interact with her again without thinking about her resemblance to Whoreible. Which isn't her fault, but it is what it is. Do I tell her this crap? Just keep my distance? Aargh. I hate trying to be a grown up. Things seemed so much simpler when I could just get loaded and forget everything for a while.
(Yes, I know they just SEEMED simpler. The truth is that there is nothing in my life a drink or drug will make better. And there damn sure isn't one thing it couldn't make worse.)
One of the things I used to do was get up in the middle of the night, get on my work email account, and type coherent, grammatically correct emails that pertained to the subject matter of the content. Stuff that after working at my job for so long I knew right off the top of my head, but why it couldn't wait until the next day or Monday, I have no idea. I had absolutely no recollection of doing this and would have to check my sent emails first thing in the morning to see if I did this.
2- From here on out, always close out of FB AND log out. ALWAYS.
3- Tell her the truth, that he has been on Ambien and is sleep walking. That is basically what it is. Tell her neither of you knows why he did it but it wasn't you.
4- He has to stop drinking, if he is. You really cannot drink and take Ambien. At all. My episodes - for lack of a better term - usually coincided to whether or not I had drank two or more cocktails.
I am not making excuses for him, but Ambien is not meant to take for extended periods of time. NONE of my doctors told me this. Short-term, it's great. But long-term you end up showing these side effects.
I am so sorry. Ugh don't even know what to say except sorry you have to deal with these feelings again.
I hope he can get to the bottom of this and figure out why he would cross a boundary again.
HL and I dealt with something similar to this last week. He was doing nothing to set off my alarms, and yet he acted out in old behavior. He didn't even see it coming. He had to take a few days and dig into why it happenend. I, like you, didn't feel that he had anything else going on, having said that, I have no more fuck ups left in me. He knows this. He got to the bottom of it and will be more mindful that it won't happen again. The fact that he came up with the why of what happened is what made it ok for me. I already knew it, I needed him to figure it out.
Your H needs to do the work on this. I am not buying the ambien excuse. There is something there, he needs to figure it out. Before things go sideways.
Hugs, this shit sucks.
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway
This is why I who suffers from insomnia would never take it.
One woman was found outside 20° in her jammies she walked right out her front door.
Kind of scary.
The fact that he remembers logging on to your computer, remembers a post of hers showing up in your news feed, and remembers typing the message all kind-of blow the Ambien theory, for me.
He takes ambien to help him sleep
HFSSC, I recently had two episodes with Ambien. In one case, I had an entire conversation with my son that I have no memory of. He came into my room to show me something and we talked for a while.
The second time I actually had a texting conversation with somebody and then was on the phone with them for 10 minutes. I do not remember either. The only reason I know about the latter is because I checked my text messages and saw the conversation. I knew I hadn't texted, so I opened it and there were several texts back and forth and the last one from him said he'd call me in a few minutes. I had to text him and ask him if we spoke on the phone the night before and he confirmed we did. He said I sounded a little different than I usually did, but otherwise we had a lovely chat.
Two weeks later, I still cannot remember anything from these two incidents so if JMSSC is saying he can't remember and doesn't know why I'm inclined to believe him in this case.
Just throwing this out there....
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
My mother took it and would go for walks and drives. End up in God's know where. We never knew she was having these issues till the day she wrecked her car. She never remembered even getting in the car. Now she has around the clock care and is only 54.
The key is SHE never remembers. I think your H is using it as an excuse if he remembers anything.
When I came home and we started talking about it, he said he remembered writing the message after he took his meds, but didn't remember what he had written. I asked how he made the decision to write it and he said, "I don't know. I don't remember." I asked if he had searched her out of my friends list, and he said no. I asked if he'd seen a post from her in my news feed and he said something like, "That must have been it." He said again that he didn't remember what he had written but remembered thinking it would be funny and that I would laugh about it when I saw it.
Thing is, his reaction has been as ideal as possible, under the circumstances. He has not been defensive. He has not been angry. He has not blameshifted or gaslighted or any of the other stuff. When ds14 asked him what was wrong, it would have been a perfect opportunity for him to just blow smoke at him and say that there was nothing wrong, or that it was "above his pay grade." But he didn't.
My gut is not screaming. Hell, it's not even whispering. I'm just absolutely baffled, as is he.
You can go to your facebook page and check the activity log and you'll see what he did while he was on your account. That may shed some light on how it happened. The why, though, is something he needs to figure out.
He knew he did it, he was aware enough (at the time) to realize it was your account and to impersonate you...
I feel bad for both of you because I know it's confusing for you both.
Complex behaviors such as “sleep-driving” (i.e., driving while not fully awake after ingestion of a sedative-hypnotic, with amnesia for the event) have been reported in sedative-hypnotic-naive as well as in sedative-hypnotic-experienced persons. Although behaviors such as “sleep-driving” have occurred with Ambien alone at therapeutic doses, the co-administration of Ambien with alcohol and other CNS depressants increases the risk of such behaviors, as does the use of Ambien at doses exceeding the maximum recommended dose. Due to the risk to the patient and the community, discontinuation of Ambien should be strongly considered for patients who report a “sleep-driving” episode.
Other complex behaviors (e.g., preparing and eating food, making phone calls, or having sex) have been reported in patients who are not fully awake after taking a sedative-hypnotic. As with “sleep-driving”, patients usually do not remember these events. Amnesia, anxiety and other neuro-psychiatric symptoms may also occur.
It can rarely be determined with certainty whether a particular instance of the abnormal behaviors listed above is drug induced, spontaneous in origin, or a result of an underlying psychiatric or physical disorder. Nonetheless, the emergence of any new behavioral sign or symptom of concern requires careful and immediate evaluation.
Now I am not saying that this is the reason but it is food for thought. Taken from rxlist.com.
remembered thinking it would be funny and that I would laugh about it when I saw it.
I was thinking what kind of idiot sends a message to some woman from his wife's account? Surely, he'd be thinking you'd see it.
An idiot on ambien might be your explanation. Not that it's a good thing but at least it makes a little more sense.
Here's the thing: Every bad decision my husband has made has involved alcohol. Every one. Since the last Dday, he has cut way back on drinking. If your husband must have ambien to sleep, I believe you may have to set a new rule that there will be no activity AFTER he takes the pill, both for his safety and for your sanity. I can imagine that what is funny to someone on something may not be so funny to a sober person, and if ambien elicits this type of behavior, it's not that different from alcohol.
My mother, by the way, is also on ambien (along with anti-depressants and a bunch of other stuff). She was taking all her pills around 6pm every night and then she would fall off the steps or grab me or I'd find her in rooms not knowing what she was doing. And the conversations we had...I actually have a notebook full of crazy stuff. At first, I thought she had alzheimer's disease. I finally took all of her pills from her and read the dosing instructions and voila! She was taking them when she felt like it and not as directed. Once we changed it up and she started waiting until 10pm to take her sleeping pill, she stayed in bed and there were no more accidents, oddities, or strange conversations. If I can believe my mother had alzheimer's based on her reaction to her sleeping pill, I can believe your husband didn't actually do what he did to hurt you. But, seriously, no more activity after the pill...
[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 2:29 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]
I give him credit for his reaction and open, nondefensiveness about this.
But then I say he needs to work on it. Even if ambien is somehow partly responsible for it. Isn't it about things that are already running around his head? Some more wayward drinking that needs to be pulled out and examined.
Thinking of you both. Sending strength,
[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 2:36 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Even if ambien is somehow partly responsible for it. Isn't it about things that are already running around his head?
Maybe so. Or maybe not.
My mother was positive she was part of some government plot and that she escaped in a boat after blowing up part of a building. She also insisted that she levitated and a snake talked to her and tried to eat her. She says it all seemed very real at the time. Drugs do weird things to some people.
I've purchased things and had no memory of it. None. I saw the post I initiated the next day asking for quail (we raise poultry) and several back and forth responses I made. No memory of it at all. Had I not seen the post, I would not have known I'd done it.
I've had sex with my husband and no memory or just tiny bits or flashes.
I can not have important conversations after I take my ambian, my husband knows this, because I will have little to no memory of it.
I have 2 sleep disorders so I take it nightly. But my entire family is aware of the side effects.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.