I'm a newer member and haven't posted all that much on this site. I need some help. I had an A with one of my BS's coworkers. Yesterday my H talked with the OM, as they are attending a trip together next month. Per my BS, the conversation went well. He stated that he may hang out with him in the future. That is fine by me, I completely understand for work purposes you need to do that. He then said that, though the four of us, BS, me, AP and his wife will never hang out alone together, we may spend time with them in a group setting, like we used to. I told BS that I don't want to do this, as I don't want to spend time with AP or his spouse. He didn't really say anything after that. I don't want to see former AP. I'm afraid that I could relapse into old patterns, texting and emailing. Since we kind of hang out in the same circle, accidentally seeing them is one thing, but actually planning to see AP and his spouse is another thing. Fortunately at this time, there is no current plan to spend time with AP and his spouse. What do I do if BS wants us to spend time with AP in a group setting?
[This message edited by Broken1213 at 11:20 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
Stick to your guns. If your H later decides he wants to D because you don't want to go play with the AP, well, that stands to say a lot about your H and M and personally, no one should force you into an uncomfortable situation.
Talk to your H. Explain to him why its wrong for the both of you or even either one of you to pal around with the AP. Also, IMHO, seems like the AP's BW should have a say in all this and it seems like it would be rubbing this shit in her face.
You both have a lot to think about.
[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 12:03 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
One question for you: What is the healthy action that you need (should) take for YOU?
Answer that honestly, and that is the path you should take (and like still says, sticking to your guns).
Unsettling to me that your BH is suggesting this. Somewhere, my gut tells me, there is another shoe about to drop...
It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier
[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:57 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
C'mon, Broken, don't make these folks spell it out. I can think of a lot of reasons your H would choose to keep the om close and none of them are "oh, he's a cool guy in spite of the fact that he f###ed my wife." The one that concerns me is revenge, but there are lots of possibilities.
Why, is this somehow classified information? I can understand her confusion. Pretty odd response, wouldn't you say?
Broken, my ex was content with me being a party favor IF he was in control of that little fiesta. Since you had an ea he wouldn't have the mind movies and he may not see your interactions with him as problematic as actual penis contact would be for him.
Regardless, the concern I have most is your fear that proximity may create a desire for you to text email etc. Why? This is why I find the don't do anything you wouldn't feel comfortable doing in front of your spouse a good bench mark. Who says "your" spouse is such a healthy barometer??? Mine sure as shit wasn't. Hell, he'd pay for that shit.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Why, is this somehow classified information?
No, definitely not. I guess maybe I'm seeing things that I think are obvious but its unfair of me to assume that everyone will see the same things. I already mentioned revenge, but the possibility of the om complicating things, lying, exaggerating. It just seems like there's a lot that can go very badly here. Nothing about it reads as a positive to me, but that's just me.
Sorry if that came off harsh, Broken.
AP does not think that we cheated, as we never had a physical affair, nor had real feelings for each other, etc
So what was the extent of the affair? You may have a point about Him trying to rugsweep. An extreme attempt at denial? Does your H have a history of anything like that?
As far as your H's attitude, he could be in denial, rug sweeping, in an A of his own, plotting revenge, getting his kicks on route 66 like UO's ex, or who knows what else.
Bottom line, put up your boundary and stand firm. Your H will be accountable for his actions and like I said before, what about the AP's BW in all of this? Seems like she's being set aside as well.
At any rate, you are responsible for your actions and can't control the actions of others. You can remain standing firm and working on yourself and have a clear conscience. Anyone else's consequences will be a result if their actions.
Who actively orchestrates a 99.99% guaranteed trigger-fest?