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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I burst his fun bubble
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Helpless  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He admitted last night that much of his anger over the last 7 weeks is due to being found out. I suppose I burst his "fun bubble". Man that hurts. He's says he's in a difference place now, but wow. Agonizing pain.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 9:36 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it amazing that it's STILL all about them, even though their actions have completely and totally decimated those that love them the most?

Just wanted you to know that you'd been heard.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him.

Posts: 974 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes some time for the realization that the selfish train has stopped for some, some never do get it. Watch actions, the path they chose is thiers to fix. I know the words can sting but are necessary for healing. I wish you well.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1798 | Registered: Nov 2010
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too bad your are still dealing with his narcissism. I am not sure if you are ever going to get full satisfaction from this guy.

I found out yesterday that my WH's OW was demoted at work, had all her subordinates taken away and now has an office in the back bowels of the company. Karma is such a bitch sometimes but now she is finally getting that SHE is the one with the problem.


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OldCow18)))

It's when the anger turns to himself for devastating you, demolishing your marriage, destroying your trust, taking chances with your health, debasing himself, and otherwise risking everything of real import in his life and being a total assclown in the process...THAT is when remorse is present in the building.

From your short post, it's not entirely clear where he's at now; however, it is clear that for 7 weeks he's been a petulant child.

He can say he's in a different place 'til he's blue in the face, but he needs to show it every hour of the day through his actions.

Best of luck, it's hell.

One way or another, you WILL get through this and you WILL feel happiness again....though I know it seems impossible at this stage of the game.


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since d-day he's vowed to make this better, he's shown remorse, etc. but he's also shown lots of anger. I asked him last night if me bursting his bubble was the reason why and he admitted it. He's been in IC and claims that he's had an epiphany and vows to be the man he needs to be, can't live without me, is in love with me, admitted that his anger was totally out of line and a bunch of bs, blah blah blah. But we all know his "vows" don't hold much water. We shall see. In the meantime, the absence of his anger has calmed me a bit, so there's that. This process effing blows.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Old.....Yes this process blows and, if I could I would wave my magic wand and make the world whole again for all of us!!!!

I now have such a complete saddness that envelopes me most days. I am sad that the world for me has forever changed. The excitement of life has been sucked out of me. Thankfully the crying spells have been greatly reduced and my meds hold my depression stable at a small ache but quite frankly my stomach turns when I think of how much pain the A has caused. It is all so sad.

Big hugs

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 4 1/2 months out and for the first 6-8 weeks or so, SAWH was SOOOOOO depressed I caught him (although the first 2 weeks he continued to sneak around and still see OW, which points to his illness and her idiocy). Finally around the end of the third month, something changed in him...it's like a switch flipped. And he's decided HE needs to work on himself to be a better husband, father, etc. We will see...I don't think a leopard can change its 42 yo spots quite so easily. Plus he doesn't like it when I am negative...it makes him depressed. Poor him. What a fucker.



BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2013
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

womaninflux, maybe you can help shed light on my situation, since you've just been through a "flip-flop."

WW was sobbing and remorseful (?) for the first 2 weeks after DDay; I had threatened divorce. Then she had anger kick in mixed with her remorse and regret.

We're now approaching a full 4 weeks after DDay. I saw a brief few hours of uncertainty and wimpyness on her part a few nights ago when I went out for a long run and came back clear-headed and not really needing to be around her. No sign of anger from her, just what may have been a need for reassurance. She's since reverted to some distance and anger.

Help me understand this?

[This message edited by ArableSands at 12:28 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A BS is VERY very attractive, when they are strong or, when they portray being strong. Strength, independance, centerdness, and peace within yourself make a BS very attractive and the WS gets a glimpse that the BS can Do Just Fine without them. That the BS is capable of healing and moving on to a better life without the WS. And that tends to bring out either a WS insecurities about being left, or great anger because they realize that they CAN be left. It's a fish-slap in the face, in a way, that lets the WS know that they are not the great catch that they think they are and that as they have thrown away their spouses and families during their affair, they too, can be thrown away or replaced by a healthy spouse.

Just MHO, of course.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4126 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan, how do I shrink you and put you on my keychain so I can always have you nearby to help me understand?

You are a pure salve. I am so grateful for your perspective. I wish you lived nearby so during the week that my wife and kids are away I could visit you or call when I was feeling weak. I'd even make hot tea, and I do make a mean pot of Earl Grey.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Realize it is HIS anger. And HIS anger is manifested over many aspects of HIS affair, not just getting discovered.

He has to come to grips with the fact he was ridiculously selfish and a liar and a cheat. Unfortunately, the BS is a constant reminder of the depth of their ugliness.

The BS is rightfully hurt so they have a harder time rugsweeping their horrid choices because the consequences (the BS spouse's devastation) is a constant reminder.

They are angry because they have to deal with their own poor choices and constantly be reminded of what schmuck's they were/are.

This is hard on many of an ego.

It is still about him and not about you or your hurt. Regret vs. remorse. Big difference.

I am sorry you are hurting but know that this is not in anyway your fault. At all.

Look up the difference of regret vs. remorse. See where your WH is.

Hang in there and know that you matter, we care and there are better days on the horizon.

(((hugs)))


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arable - It's a roller coaster ride. Ups/downs, twists/turns. For me, I think that is the way it is going to be for awhile. On the one hand, I DO feel better about things than I did 4 months ago. One the other, I am frustrated it is taking a long time to see improvement in him. I have been told 100 times by MC and his CSAT (yes, there is a SA component to his situation) that I need to be patient. But I was ready to leave him before I even found out about the affair. It's just happenstance that it came crashing down at once.

I agree with what Skan said. I'm in an S-Anon group now so that I can focus on healing myself - regardless of outcome of my H's therapies and the eventual outcome of our marriage. I can't control him - his actions, his therapy, his commitment to our marriage. I can only control myself. I hate to say it but I am only looking out for myself right now...and of course my kids.

OC - hang in there. The less said the better about how he feels. Asking him how he feels is kind of mothering him...and as my therapist said, "it's feeding the disease." Sounds like he is still in a bit of a fog, where he's missing his relationship/escape/the secret life and hasn't reconciled with reality. Give it some time.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2013
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

womaninflux:

I can't control him - his actions, his therapy, his commitment to our marriage. I can only control myself.

This, or a variation, should be on every betrayed spouse's lips. So

I can't control my wayward spouse, his/her actions, his/her feelings, or his/her commitment to our marriage. I can only control myself, and I will do so.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
Topic Posts: 14

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