Getting back to your original topic:
You had an A AND you were unhappy with the state of your M.
Does NOT mean: You had an A BECAUSE you were unhappy with the state of your M.
You are perfectly entitled to not be happy for whatever your reasons are. But you being unhappy with your M did not force you to deal with it in the way that you did. You need to explore how you came to deal with your unhappiness by choosing an A.
If you ran out of money, would your first choice to be to go rob a bank? No - you would cut expenses, or borrow from friends or family, or sell possessions that you no longer need, or perhaps try to get a loan from a bank. The 'reason' you rob a bank isn't because you're out of money. That was an action chosen out of many possibilities.
The problem isn't being unhappy, the problem is how you dealt with it. That is the thought process you have to deconstruct to get to your 'why'.
Stop blaming the M. Everyone has problems in their M at times. Start figuring out why you responded to those problems in the way that you did.
And as for the 'just friend' that BH is hiding from you and lying about.....yeah, that's wayward behavior alright. He probably feels entitled since you did it to him first. He's wrong of course. If you are going to R, it's going to take both of you. If he's on the fence, I hope for both of your sakes that he decides what he wants sooner rather than later.
In the meantime, all you can do is work on you. Keep digging to get to the REAL 'why'.