Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: tooclose (44327)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how do i answer "why" without BH blaming himself?
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night BH and I talked...I use that term lightly cuz it was more of a cluster fuck, but at least I think it ended well.

The reason it started is because I was angry because I found out on accident that he lied about spending time with the OW I have mentioned a few times.....three weeks ago he took our daughter to the movies and told me it was with some of the guys at work and their children..I have since found out that it was with the OW.

This led to a discussion of R and everything else...my BH asked me if I have figured out the reason for my A and why I did it.....this brings me to the point of this post...

How do I explain or even figure out my reasons for choosing to have an A with out my BH placing the blame on himself?

I have figured out through therapy that I was unhappy with a few different aspects of our M, which is what led me to the AP. I thought I could get the things I was lacking from him...but that is no reason or excuse for what I have done....millions of people have issues with their M, and they don't go out and have A....my reasons for being unhappy aren't a justification for what I did....there is something broken in me, not my BH.

I hate that I don't know how to explain this to him, because I hate that he feels he pushed me towards the A because he wasn't a good husband. He is a fantastic husband and didn't deserve what I did. I did it because I am the one who fucked up and have issues. I don't know how to find the answers to the question "why" while keeping the blame on me where it belongs, instead of having my BH put it on himself.

I know this doesn't make much sense and I'm rambling...I know what I want to say but it's not coming out right.

I guess the question for other WS is how did you deal with this?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 748 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssamd...

I have since found out that it was with the OW.

I'm sure I missed it somewhere, but what situation brought in an OW? I'm sorry if you've explained it before and I didn't see it


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196560 | Registered: May 2002
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well yes, there are many people who aren't happy in their M, but they don't cheat. Why did you do that instead of talking to him or trying to work with him to fix the M?

I was unhappy in my M but my husband had no idea because I DIDN'T TELL HIM.

I had a lot of resentment, a lot of things I blamed on him because it was easier than looking inside myself to figure out why I thought I was so damn unhappy.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36689 | Registered: Sep 2007
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now your why sounds like you are blaming the M. That if you were getting what you needed and weren't broken the cheating would have not happened. You are just starting to peel away the layers. We all don't get all of our needs met all of the time. Why was cheating an acceptable solution? It takes time to find your why. To Learn new coping mechanisms.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have figured out through therapy that I was unhappy with a few different aspects of our M, which is what led me to the AP

That's usually the mind set in place BEFORE therapy. If you have a good IC she/he'll will set that straight.

What AN said word for word.

I'm confused as well. How did she get promoted? I see where your husband was not honest but don't see where she jumped the shark to become OW. Did something happen?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deeply Scared and Uncertain One,

Sorry for the confusion....she isn't really the OW, I jumped the gun using the abbreviation....I should have instead said " the woman who came over before".


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 748 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I get past the "this is why I was unhappy in the M"point to really finding out what the issue was?

Authentic,
That's the frustrating thing....I know my reasons for being unhappy are not the real reason, I know it's got to be something else that made me think it was ok to cheat. I just don't know how to get to that place.

And in the meantime while I am trying to find these answers, my BH is blaming himself for causing it. I have told him multiple times it wasn't his fault, I was the one who chose to go outside the marriage. But how do I help him understand this?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 748 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry,

I know the point was you trying to find your whys, but....

three weeks ago he took our daughter to the movies and told me it was with some of the guys at work and their children..I have since found out that it was with the OW

Just your BH, this woman, and your DD went to the movies?

This would be a major problem for me if I was working on R. Now if we were NC and working on D then no problem.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know. Are you in IC? Maybe think about your thought processes leading up to the A. If I think about it, I can think about every little justification I made when I was starting my EA and when I went into my PAs. I can see the destruction and justification of my thinking, my sense of entitlement. These are things you have to dig deeper into.

Your BH isn't trusting anything you are saying because your actions have to show your remorse, not just your words. And honestly, I can't see that happening while you're living apart or while you're still working where you see OM.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36689 | Registered: Sep 2007
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knight,

Yes, her kids went also....according to my BH there were other people there too.

This is the same woman who he "ran into" in Boston, had over for dinner at our home(with my daughter) and hung out with at our home another time.

This is a huge issue for me and is what caused the cluster fuck last night.

I agree if we are supposed to be in R it is not appropriate. He doesn't seem to care.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 748 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't seem to care.
Of course he doesn't. It's harmless, right? He has solid boundaries in place, right? You've been around when she's there, right?
I know my reasons for being unhappy are not the real reason, I know it's got to be something else that made me think it was ok to cheat. I just don't know how to get to that place.
keep digging. Think back to your childhood. Your family dynamic. The answer is there - you just have to push yourself to find it.
And in the meantime while I am trying to find these answers, my BH is blaming himself for causing it. I have told him multiple times it wasn't his fault, I was the one who chose to go outside the marriage. But how do I help him understand this?
Honestly, other than continuing to own your A every single time it comes up, continuing IC, and continuing to do the work, there's not much else you can do, at least from my POV. You can't force him to do or think anything.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5769 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

J,
I really can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not... oops :) I am assuming you are.

His reasoning about her is they are "just friends"....this is line I unfortunately know well, because I used it on him the first time he ever became suspicious of the AP.

He knows I am not happy about him spending time with her outside of work but continues to do so....even though he understands my frustration.

He told me that even if he doesn't make plans with her specifically he will still see her cuz they have the same friends and there is nothing he can do about it.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 748 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he saying that he wants R or he's still deciding?

If he's still deciding you can figure out how long you're willing to live in limbo and tell him you need to know or you're taking steps. If he says you're in R then the two of you need to work together to make it happen.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36689 | Registered: Sep 2007
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The situation with this woman stinks Alyssa. It takes two to R and he seems to be enjoying this single life ATM.

As to finding your whys, someone posted this link a while back. It's really long but I found some of it helpful. Skip ahead to the three types of infidelity.
http://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course047.php


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1394 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

According to him he wants to R. But his words and his actions don't match up... I feel like I'm the only one trying right now.

Thanks for the link knight!!

Am I being totally ridiculous about this woman?? Or does it seem suspicious to anyone else?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 748 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to answer as a BW. If he lied, it's suspicious. The fact that he lied tells me that he knows how you feel about it but is doing it anyway because he wants to. He is putting himself ahead of your marriage.

The marriage is supposed to come first and be protected. He's crossing the line.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I being totally ridiculous about this woman?? Or does it seem suspicious to anyone else?
Are you legitimately hurt at the idea of your husband cheating on you? Look, betrayal sucks and I get that, but don't make this all about your husband and his issues. Don't use his issues as a way to draw attention away from your own issues. You have enough of your own to work on between your surface excuses for having an A and still working with your AP.

My husband works 70-80 hour work weeks. My children don't see their dad half the days of the week. He has no boundaries with work. I am several down the line in his list of priorities. Does it hurt my feelings? Absolutely. Does it cause resentment? Absolutely. Does it give me a reason to fuck another man? Absolutely NOT. It's a surface, blameshifty reason for something deeper. My reasons for cheating go much deeper than, "QS is a butthead." So are yours. Your cheating has nothing to do with your husband and everything to do with you.

Does your IC think your answers for cheating are acceptable? Is your IC making you dig deeper into those answers? Or is your IC satisfied that you've now found a scapegoat? Depending on your answers, you may need a new IC.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6071 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I being totally ridiculous about this woman??

No.

Or does it seem suspicious to anyone else?

I wouldn't use the word "suspicious"; it just sounds to me as if, factually, she IS the OW.

You are living apart, but he has not filed for D nor even said the M is over and he wants D. Yet, he is dating this woman (going to the movies, having her over for dinner, etc are dating-type activities IMO) and lying to you about it. If a BW came onto this website and described her WH doing what your H is doing, there would be an outcry of "She's an OW!"

And I also wouldn't be surprised if this woman is all too excited to be a part of this drama. She knows (I assume) that you and your BH are still M. She probably knows that your BH is undecided about R. Yet she's prancing around town---and in your home!---playing "happy family" with him and your child. That's bullshit, sorry.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the signs are that he has crossed to the Dark Side. lying and sneaking around. Would bet there's more you don't know. I am sorry.

What are you going to do?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knight,

The link you put out was incredibly helpful. I read it and then showed it to my BH, I hope he reads it. It helped give me some of the info I was looking for.

Aubrie,
I completely agree with you. I am searching for those answers and trying to find them. I know the surface reasons aren't enough and am focusing on my issues. I am not trying to shift the blame to my BH at all...That's what this post is about.

Mrs Panda,
I don't know what I am going to do. BH and I just got into another argument about her and everything else. He still says they are just friends and nothing more and she shouldn't have to stop being friends with her.

I told him if he wants to really R he needs to act that way. And we can't fix things if we aren't together....it ended with me leaving in tears...not very productive I guess.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 748 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.