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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Pendulum Swings
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My current view of the truth is that my wife's cheating was limited to sexting (where she masturbated and got herself off a few times) and kissing and feeling up (again, a few times). While I have not entirely verified this, all of the evidence I've seen as well as her story (which remains unchanged) align. Also, my intuition isn't screaming at me. Also also, she's a completely shit liar.

Given the above, for some reason at times I feel okay. While I'm thinking about what she did, I'm still hurting from the shared intimacy and deceit, but overall I'm okay. Like "I can get through this" okay. And yet in the next day, or hour, I'll feel like someone just ran a broadsword of ice through me and I'll have trouble breathing as I contemplate her kissing him and putting her hands on his crotch.

I don't get this pendulum. Why does the pain vary so much? And so randomly?


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say I too have the pendulum swings. It makes me feel very unstable because I don't intentionally fall down the "rabbit's hole" of rage and jealousy. I have good times and bad times...

I've had to battle internally with my personal ethics to fight to stay with him. My love for him won out but must not have been by much cuz I can't stand the thought of him being with another woman, can't stand it so much sometimes. I hate what he did very very very very much.

Today was a bad day but now I'm feeling better. I really hate the thought that things will go bad again. Logically I thought that once I processed and learned things that this wouldn't continue. But things trigger me and it starts up again.

I've always been a patient and balanced person. But this has thrown me for a loop such that I feel like I've been close to losing my sanity at times. I've never been betrayed like this before and never been so angry so I'm still learning how to cope.

I'm going to try to practice some anger management stuff and also address my grief. One site suggests that we make a list of what we are grieving for the loss of. I'm going to ask my husband to build a list too.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:07 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 538 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arable...

A pendulum swinging is an excellent description of how we all feel, WS and BS!! I am a BS and I am 10 months past Dday. My husband of 32 years had a 4 year affair and it went way, way beyond what you have described your WW doing. Meetings and sex in different countries while traveling on business. I am glad you have what looks like a time line of your wife's indiscretions. If you are satisfied and happy with them, and her, then you are ahead of the game.

I personally think we pendulum so often because we are reeling from the total shock to our systems as BS's. I suffered 10 different PTSD symptoms and needed medication to get me back to some sort of equilibrium. But even now I have days where I start on top of the moon and slam into the wall by nighttime. I chalk it up to my deep inner conscience keeping me safe by tell my heart and my mind not to get suckered again.....no more hurt....make sure what you are seeing, hearing and feeling is truthful and real before committing and trusting again. I also think triggers and very stressful situations tend to reverse the pendulum swing because we just can't handle to be overloaded right now, I sure know I can't!

Slowly the pendulum is taking longer and longer to swing the other way and we have actually experienced several weeks of positive, happy times together. We are well on our way to R and I think it is because, at month 8, I decided that I couldn't hurt forever and that I had to start looking at my WH reconciliation actions in a positive light. He has done everything I have asked of him and more. He is truly committed to the healing process, therapy both MC and IC, and to showing me how sorry he was. At some time all of us have to start to trust others again.


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What....

I am sorry you had a bad day. My bad day was yesterday. My son just left to go to graduate school and both of us are trying to get used to having an empty nest again. This son went through the entire post Dday experience and I know he is happy to be out of the house for a while. He has been very helpful and understanding, especially since I had hubby tell both of our children about his A. Finally owning up to his downfalls has helped my hubby see that we can all get beyond this if we stick together and help each other.

I hope tomorrow goes better for you


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Topic Posts: 4

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