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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Phone Sex ...
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday, while I was cleaning "old" boxes of paperwork, came across cell phone bills dating back to 2008. Checked his number and there were numerous calls to a specific number. Come to find out, after a bit of investigation that they were dating sites, chatting rooms. That sort of stuff. I confronted him, he denied. He said, "I DONT KNOW" must have something to do with work.

So, after an argument etc. I dropped it. Today, I confronted him again, after finding out the name of the place, then he says, "oh ya, that is a swingers place".

Phone sex is cheating, and is disrespectful. I need your opinion guys. Please console me.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phone sex is cheating.

But the fact that he is lying to you..after dday..when he is supposed to rebuilding trust..is an indicator that you are not in R..and that you can't believe anything he is telling you as "truth."

Still refuses a polygraph?

I think the more you dig,the more you will find. Im afraid you've only discovered the tip of the iceberg. And his refusal to take the polygraph is based on decades of betrayal.

How are YOU doing? Are you taking care of yourself?

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:20 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People don't call swinger sites for phone sex. They usually contact swingers to get together for parties and 'events' and such.

As another poster said, I hate to say it but I think you've only seen the tip of a very HUGE iceberg.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not well. This is a roller coaster ride and I want to get off permanently. These phone calls stopped as soon as he got a computer. Then, the sex shit took place on the computer. No more cell phone evidence. And, this Christmas, his computer broke. He deleted his messages anyway. Nothing there to go by anyway.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is my point, he is still lying to me. I am so desperately trying to gain some trust within him, yet these obstacles keep at me. I dont care about the phone sex, I expected that. It's the fact that he is still lying. His say is 'I DONT REMEMBER" and "YOU'RE THE ONLY WOMEN I EVER WANTED' and 'IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING". What the fuck ...


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LBTS)))
He is still lying, which makes R nearly impossible. He also seems to clearly disregard your need for transparency. He's FOS telling you he doesn't remember what those numbers were. He is probably thinking to himself OH shit, here we go again....Guess I have to mind my p's and q's for a few days....

Seriously did he ever get into IC? I hate to see him continue to abuse you, and you take it. You deserve more, but he isn't going to give it, until you demand it.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Sadrunnergirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40097
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our stories sound similar. I, too, asked about a phone number, and the reply was "I don't know." I'll tell you what, I'm a super sleuth. I think he'll be truthful with me in person (he is flying back today from a trip - to VEGAS, ugh). The only way forward is total honesty. I hope that you get it.


Me: BS (36)
He: WS (33)
Dday: 7.19.13
Both committed to R, but I'm terrified

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Nc, USA
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at a point where I do believe he has told the truth regarding the physical infidelities. I asked many many times, and talked and talked lots. Just this past Saturday, we had another "drama" night. I did get a bit more details which I asked for.

To him this phone sex, emailing to whomever, maybe even sending photos (God only knows) did not mean anything, was not physical and he simply wants to put it all behind him.

However, to me, the fact that I have been begging for complete honesty, that is an issue which I have with him. That is where I am today. I want THE WHOLE TRUTH ... and he keeps telling me I know everything, yet today, he lied again ... God help me.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course he wants to put it behind him. I don't like to talk about the bad things I have done in my life either. That doesn't mean that didn't hurt other people. He is is manipulating you yet again.
He continues to lie. If you choose to R with someone who continues to lie with such regularity he will hurt you again.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at a point where I do believe he has told the truth regarding the physical infidelities. I asked many many times, and talked and talked lots. Just this past Saturday, we had another "drama" night. I did get a bit more details which I asked for.
To him this phone sex, emailing to whomever, maybe even sending photos (God only knows) did not mean anything, was not physical and he simply wants to put it all behind him.

However, to me, the fact that I have been begging for complete honesty, that is an issue which I have with him. That is where I am today. I want THE WHOLE TRUTH ... and he keeps telling me I know everything, yet today, he lied again ... God help me.

Phone sex, emails,texting is still cheating. I'm looking at your sig. we can want them to change, but until he ask GOD for help to change he will stay the same. Right now he is in a fog and the rewards of his behavior outweigh the benefits of being true to you.
Are you part of a support group were people can touch and love on you. If you don't feel safe, you can't recover.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My support group is "my sister". She is the only person I can speak to about this. And of course, this site I write some in a journal, I write in this site's journal, I have gone for one therapy session, going again Aug 6th. Other than that, I am on my own. I talk to HIM whenever I feel like it. I don't care what comes out of it. When I have the urge, I speak.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't see you respond to what tushnurse said, but it was so good that I'm quoting it here for double the impact:

Of course he wants to put it behind him. I don't like to talk about the bad things I have done in my life either. That doesn't mean that didn't hurt other people. He is is manipulating you yet again.
He continues to lie. If you choose to R with someone who continues to lie with such regularity he will hurt you again.

He wants you to rugsweep. He doesn't want to tell you the truth. He wants you to shut up and take whatever crumbs he is willing to dole out, whenever he feels like it.

Him, him, him. What about YOU? He doesn't have your best interests in mind, so you have to keep your best interests #1 in your heart and mind.

Why do you want to rebuild trust with him? You don't have to answer me, but I do want you to think about that.

(((((hugs)))))


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I want to reconcile ... cause I truly believe we love each other. That he is sorry for what he has done. We have a strong bond, a family. But yes, he is still lying ... I just dont have the strength to put him out or for me to move out. I am stuck with these awful feelings ...


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
StruckNumb
♀ Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you but you have to start asking yourself what is real about your life. What is there that is real? I know it has kept me up at night trying to figure out what is real at this point. Do you have children?


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
StruckNumb
♀ Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(sorry i see) You have children...my hubby lies to me about small things, do you find this true for you? I figured if he lies constantly about small things, it's no problem to lie about bigger issues.

The only consolation I can add is to look deep inside and figure out what you can live with. Draw a line and don't deviate from it.


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I want to reconcile ... cause I truly believe we love each other. That he is sorry for what he has done. We have a strong bond, a family. But yes, he is still lying ... I just dont have the strength to put him out or for me to move out. I am stuck with these awful feelings ...

Of course you feel awful, why are you protecting him? You have to get him to see what he is missing and right now he hasn't felt the pain of possibly loosing you. If you truly love this guy and are concerned about his soul, there are steps that you should follow within the church and allowing him to wallow in his sin will ultimately destroy him eternally. In other words you need to put on your big girl panties, bitch boots and practice some tough love. You sound too nice.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear, livebythesea. Read my profile for my story, because it sounds similar to yours. I caught my exH paying for phone sex. He went to counseling and supposedly didn't do it any more. Well, after D-day, I discovered YEARS of lies about phone sex, strip clubs, prostitutes, and trolling "rate a hooker" forums for recommendations.

I just could not wrap my head around the double life he had been leading, and I did not want to spend the rest of my life snooping and checking. We divorced, and I can say it was the best decision for me. Doesn't mean it would be right for anyone else, though.

The trickle truth kills marriages after infidelity. I wish the cheating spouse could realize that. I do believe that some couples can work through the infidelity and reconcile their marriages. But, I know that trust is constantly eroded by lies and trickle truth and often, THAT is what cannot be reconciled.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is ok if you don't have the strength for separating or D right now. But please:
I am so desperately trying to gain some trust within him,

STOP THIS.

He is not trustworthy. Stop screwing yourself over by trying to pretend he is. It is bad enough he betrayed you, you do not have to do so,too.

I really think that if there ever was a time the 180 was called for in a relationship, it is here. You need to detach, take care of yourself, learn that you are valuable and worthy of sooo much better treatment.

Stop trying to trust a person you keep saying that you know is lying. Stop trying to trust they guy who won't take the poly to prove he isn't lying.

Start trusting that he is showing you how trustworthy he is, and take care of yourself accordingly.

[This message edited by JustWow at 6:45 PM, July 29th (Monday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3631 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like your WH is rugsweeping and not willing to do what it takes to help you heal from the trauma he created and inflicted. As new revelations appear, he just keeps failing in his responsibility to tell the truth. You shouldn't have to discover phone bills, and then investigate the phone numbers. WH should have volunteered all the sh*t he did a long time ago, in a good faith effort to begin true R.

You may be at a point where you need to begin reassessing your M in order to decide if you can remain in it any longer, especially if WH remains the same.

I bumped several threads for you which may help bolster your self respect and resolve to get your life back...with or without WH.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked him to leave. Told him to be out tonight. I doubt he will. I locked my bedroom door, there is no more begging for the truth.

At first I was going to move out. But I am not. He will.

He has been lying to me for years, I can no longer live with him.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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