married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
I'm sorry but he owes you whatever you need to get through this. He put himself first and had no regard for you when he made his selfish choices. Seeing your pain and feeling the consequences are what he should have thought of prior to this disgusting, self-centered, immature behavior.
Maybe a MC can help him see this?
I am sorry you have had to find yourself in this mess reaching out to the rest of us. I can directly relate to your situation....it might as well have been me!!!
Married 25 years on 9/10/2013
2 boys: 23/21
BS me: 50
WH him: 53
R: ongoing from 9/17/2012
We started MC together, at my husbands request, 1 week after Dday. We too worked hard at discovering all of the problems that existed in our marriage before the A. I too had horrible pendulum swings and the triggers were relentless. I even had dreams about the two of them together with me standing in a corner watching. The depression became overwhelming, I eventually was diagnosed with 10 different PTSD symptoms, and I was spiraling into a deep black hole. My husband took this all in stride. He tried to help me through the worst of it, he was supportive, we talked endlessly, we struggled to find our feet....both of us. The hysterical crying you mentioned started at the drop of a hat. I stopped going out in public because complete strangers would come up to me and just hug me....I looked THAT bad!!!! At month 3 months I started Anti-D med's to help stabilize my emotions. They completely did the trick and for the first time in months I was at least not going backwards. But the triggers kept on coming, we had an incident where the OW showed up on our doorstep one weekend (extremely hard to do because we live in a different country then she does). After that I slowly started noticing that hubby wasn't so responsive to my questions, depression or crying. He told me it killed him to constantly see the hurt and pain he had caused and was putting me through. Every time we talked about things it brought him back the pain of knowing what he did. He was horribly ashamed and it was like he was sucked backwards every time we talked. I took this info to my IC session and through my discussion with our MC/IC figured out I was doing the lions share of counseling. Eventually I felt we were going backwards instead of forwards. I was falling back into the person I was before the A. I found myself holding back my comments just to keep the peace. Thankfully I was a changed person by this time for my IC helped me see who I had been and I no longer wanted to be that person. I went home from that session and announced that I had started to consider leaving. That even though I was working hard to grow and change he was not being as diligent. I told him I felt that we were slowly going back to where we had come from and that was a place I NEVER wanted to go again. I told him this was unacceptable to me, and instead of asking him to step it up I told him I was making plans to move away. I must have been very convincing because he panicked and immediately returned to IC. He worked his ass off to understand that yes, he is going to hurt but that this hurt is a good thing. It means her cares about what he has done.
The best thing we did from there was read a book together. It is called "After the Affair, healing the pain and rebuilding the trust when a partner has been Unfaithful by Janis Abrahms. It is written for both the BS and the WS and it helps both of you understand what the other spouse is going through and went through during the A and after Dday. I read the book first and highlighted things that pertained to me and us. I made remarks and asked questions in the margins of the book for my hubby, who then read the book after me and responded and asked his own back. This was both a stress release and a god send because it allowed both of us to say ( or write) the hardest parts we wanted the other to understand without having to drag in the shame or pain up that we both felt. The book is exceptional, easy to read and helpful. I highly recommend it to you. It not only helped us bridge the gap of shame but it opened up avenues for us to have incredibly deep and meaningful discussions about so many of the horrible things we have both been through.
Now 10 months past Dday we have developed a whole new way of communicating because we both have learnt that, while much of what we went through hurt like hell, we have survived and started building a new, stronger life together.
I believe now that there is a point in time when even the BS has to be able to help their WS find a way out of the shame they feel. It is this extended hand that might just spring board you onto the next level.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Your H needs look deep into himself and see what havoc he is causing and why he chose to cheat and lie.
Please believe that his A is NOT about you it is all about him. There is a flaw in his make up that causes him to lie and cheat.
He needs to heal himself and understand why he chose to have an A. As well as why he allowed himself to lie to you. This has to happen before there can be any healing in your marriage and for you personally.
My one suggestion is just to try to get all your financial stuff together. You need to protect yourself.
He needs to buckle up and get ready for your ride on the emotional roller coaster ride from hell. It is a long ride, a hard ride.
He can be upset with your triggers but he needs to realize he and his actions are the root cause of these triggers. It's now his job to stand by, reassure you and show you through his actions that he is worthy of the possible gift of reconciliation.
He didn't want to talk about it. He said he couldn't handle reliving it over and over
Tough. Not his choice if he wants you to stay. He needs to do WHATEVER it is that you need him to do WHATEVER. He invested how many hours, months and lies into an A but he can't produce the courage and energy to help you heal? Coward. That is something a coward says. He needs to focus on YOUR hurt and deal with his in IC. Especially right now.
I have chosen not to tell anyone close to us because I didn't want the judgment for him or me.
I understand this but please realize that this is NOT your secret to keep. If you need a family member or friend to help you, then reach out to them. You need whatever support system you need to get through this.
He may not be that person, especially now. He is the person who hurt you the most. The cause of your pain. One person described it like being raped and beaten and the only person that can help you up is the rapist. Do you stay down or extend your hand for them to help you up?
I hope you both are in IC. A's foster and grow through secrecy. Maybe knowing other people know will help rip the cloak of secrecy off and make him truly accountable for his actions.
You get through these days by being open and honest. Crying and feeling all you have to feel. Don't rush your healing because it is a process you have to go through. There is no magic wand or pill that is going to make it all better.
Time, commitment, honesty, therapy and reassurance. TIME
Good luck and stay strong. You matter.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:00 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.
The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.
You do need to find at least one person that you can tell and talk to. I didn't want anyone to judge my husband either, but I had to talk to someome. So I did pick a few people who I trusted, and that made a huge difference.
I wish there were support groups available for this. None in my area and none that my counselor knows about. Talking to someone who has gone through this is invaluable.
The healing library on this site is helpful and also there are many books. You will not push your husband away with your pain if he is worth keeping.
I worried about that at first, but for over a year, I put my husband through holy hell and he refused to leave. I hurt him a lot also, but that is just the consequenses of an affair.
Keep posting here. You will get loads of support, advice, and shoulders to cry on. This is a tough, bumpy road, and almost more than any human should have to bear. Hugs.