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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Should I contact OW?
BrowneyesTurnBlu
♀ Member
Member # 25218
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out on July 26th that my WH again has been sexting and met with someone 4 times (one time it got out of control). I know who she is and I was wondering if I should contact her to get her side of the story to see if it jives with his. He deleted his text messages (approx 1200 in one month) but I found a way to retrieve some of them. They get pretty bad. He said it was all just "dirty" talk. This has only been going on for about 1 - 1 1/2 months. This isn't the first time he met up with someone else but it went a bit further this time. I am so confused. Part of me says take his word (since the texts I could see say he is telling the truth) but then a part of me is saying you need to talk to her to get closure to make sure that there isn't something in the texts or emails that I couldn't retrieve.

Any opinions?


Me (BW) 42
Him (WH)46
DDay #1 - 9/9/06 - internet and met 4 times - no sex but kissing and touching
DDay #2 - 7/24/09 - chatted online with a couple of girls for about 1-2 weeks
DDay #3 - 7/26/13 - found out he was sexting and met up with someone

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2009
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my WH's PA with his married coworker began by sexting. I caught him in the spring of 2011, then again the fall of 2011, then she got married and had a baby. She came back from maternity leave in January of this year, sexting started again in March and they then went on to start their PA shortly after. The one thing I wish I had done differently was to get our asses in counseling back when it was "just" sexting. Don't get me wrong, it was a HUGE problem for us when I found out, with countless talks about it, explaining how hurt I was, blah blah blah, but he didn't take it seriously at the time, which I didn't realize.

So, if I were you, I would consider his "dirty" talk a bridge to the next step. Get in MC now and work this out before he takes it to the next level. This behavior shows that he has jumped from your ship already. Sexting, IMO, IS CHEATING. Get help before you have to imagine them dry humping in their offices several days a week like I do.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well BrownEyesTurnBlu, my opinion would be that "things got out of control" probably a lot more times than he's letting on to you. They NEVER tell the truth unless you have irrefutable PROOF in your hands. Otherwise, it's all about lying and minimizing the part that they played.

Secondly, if they were spending every waking moment sexting and flirting with each other, would he honestly have you believe that they got together to just sit and drink coffee and have pie 3 times, and on the 4th time it accidentally went too far??? Seriously???? He's such a story-teller.

I think it's real safe to assume that you haven't gotten the truth. You've only been given a nugget, and thats' only because you probably had to force it out of him.

I think it's ALSO safe to say that you can bet the farm that your husband has already gotten his story straight with the OW should you come a'callin' looking for the truth. More than likely, she's already been rehearsed by him and you won't get the truth you'rse seeking.

I just don't see the OW as a VIABLE source of the truth because her loyalties lie with your husband, not you.

You feel you haven't been given the whole truth and sadly, you're more than likely right. If you wantat least something a lot closer to the truth, consider a Polygraph test.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
BrowneyesTurnBlu
♀ Member
Member # 25218
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since this isn't the first time, I have asked him to move down to the basement. Right now, financially, we are not in a position to have two households and there is a lot of stuff happening at work (where we both work BTW). She works there only on Saturdays and he doesn't work at the office that day (normally). He has met up with her 4 times (2 times at office...power went out so he was needed there one time and other time he needed to do some work...yeah right) and he went to her place 2 times (once for about 1 hour before doing some work stuff and once to put in her air conditioner...this is the time things got out of hand). He has stopped all contact with her since Friday when I found out (at the office BTW). He has admitted that he has a self-esteem problem and was going to seek guidance to help himself. I told him we were done and that I was going to start living my life. If he wants to try to win me back, he was going to have to start at square one. I think that I have grown as a person since the last time he did this to me and am going to do things differently. Last time, I let him stay with us (even in the same room) and I think that might have been one of my biggest mistakes because I feel that since I took him back to quickly the first time, he never really learned what it would feel like to lose me. I think deep in my heart, I need to verify his answers with her (even though I know she can lie to me since in texts to him she said "I don't want to break up your marriage" and then the next text said "I want to fuck you". I am still trying to wrap my head around everything.


Me (BW) 42
Him (WH)46
DDay #1 - 9/9/06 - internet and met 4 times - no sex but kissing and touching
DDay #2 - 7/24/09 - chatted online with a couple of girls for about 1-2 weeks
DDay #3 - 7/26/13 - found out he was sexting and met up with someone

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2009
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a lot more went on that you don't know about. Please get tested for STD's. Do not risk your health..your life...on the word of a liar..and the chance that a few telling texts got deleted.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7381 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SuperDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Browneyes, I think you need to honestly ask yourself-
Does it really matter?

You know the one time happened. You know in your heart the other three probably did too. Contacting the OW will help your feeling of "getting the whole story", but it may just break you further.

I actually called the other man the night of Dday... it didn't help. They will lie to you as well and just create more questions you obsess over.


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really, neither of them can be counted on to tell you the truth.

Your husband has a history of infidelity. "It got out of control just once" is very, very likely untrue.

But do you think the woman he cheated with---who conspired with him, against your marriage--is someone whose word you can trust? Of course not.

When you have a remorseful husband willing to do whatever it takes to really HEAL the damage done, rather than rugsweep, you will learn the truth.

Some of us never do. In that case, we have some difficult questions to ask ourselves--like: do we want to stay in a marriage with a person willing to protect his secrets and lies at our expense?

There is NO way to have the emotional intimacy necessary for a healthy marriage as long as there is a barrier of lies.

But your husband is the one who needs to offer you the truth. It's part of what is needed for reconciliation.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8661 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
BrowneyesTurnBlu
♀ Member
Member # 25218
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has told me in great detail what happened each and every time they were together. Yes, they crossed the line every time (just didn't really want to type out exactly what they did). I know what they did. I believe that he is sorry and realizes that he made a huge mistake...one that we might not be able to heal from. He has promised to get help for himself. He told me that he wants to read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and he has watched "Fireproof" over the weekend. He states that no matter what, he is going to prove to me that he screwed up but that he is willing to and WILL change even though he knows that I might never be able to trust him again and therefore not be able to be in a marriage with him. He says that he is not going to give up on winning me back.


Me (BW) 42
Him (WH)46
DDay #1 - 9/9/06 - internet and met 4 times - no sex but kissing and touching
DDay #2 - 7/24/09 - chatted online with a couple of girls for about 1-2 weeks
DDay #3 - 7/26/13 - found out he was sexting and met up with someone

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2009
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what is he doing to show you he wants to R?

Is he being transparent? Do you have full access to all of his accounts and cell..passwords included?

Is he answering all of your questions without blame and anger?

Is he going to IC to figure out why he did this?

Did he write a NC email to OW..one you approved of and sent?

Has he been tested for STD's?

Is he being supportive of your pain and emotions?

Is he accountable for his time away from you?

Cheaters lie and minimize. And lie..and lie.

Watching a movie and reading a book is a good start..but what is he DOING? What are his actions?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7381 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
BrowneyesTurnBlu
♀ Member
Member # 25218
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since this came out on Friday only, I realize it is still early. But he has been nothing but remorseful, supportive in whatever I need, totally transparent, has set up an appointment for IC. He hasn't sent a NC letter to her, he doesn't want anything to do with her but maybe that is a good idea. He hasn't gotten tested for STDs yet but that is something that I am going to insist on. Everything I have asked of him, he has done with NO hesitation what-so-ever. He is telling me things about it without me having to ask questions. He TOTALLY blames himself for this...never once blamed me at all. We do have issues in our marriage that we need to work on and intimacy is a huge one. There has been so much happening in the past year and a half that we are both very stressed. Unfortunately instead of turning to me about it, he turned to her. I just hope that his actions over the weekend continue. He tells me that they are going to and that he is going to spend every day for the rest of his life making sure that I know how much he loves me and how important I am to him.


Me (BW) 42
Him (WH)46
DDay #1 - 9/9/06 - internet and met 4 times - no sex but kissing and touching
DDay #2 - 7/24/09 - chatted online with a couple of girls for about 1-2 weeks
DDay #3 - 7/26/13 - found out he was sexting and met up with someone

Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 10

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