Im so sorry. How scary for you..and the kids.
Have you been tested for STD's> You need to do so right away.
How are your kids handling this? Are they in counseling? Im sure they had to be so scared by what this woman did..in their home..in what is supposed to be their safe place..yours too.
She sounds insane. Im so sorry your WH brought her into your life and your home.
[This message edited by confused615 at 8:27 AM, July 29th (Monday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I understand you don't want your kids to know. But your 13 year old knows. She was there when the crazy bitch came in the house...and dad isn't living there now. Very gently,mom to mom,you need to tell her. She deserves the truth. Her father has betrayed her mother,and her..the entire family. One of the worst things about betrayal is the lies. It is so painful to be lied to. Kids are smart. And she is old enough to know..even though it will hurt and be hard for you..she needs to know. Had crazy not walked into your home,my advice might be different. But she was there..she knows. She is probably being quiet,as you said,because she knows dad lied to her and she knows something terrible is going on,and she's scared. Also..this woman may attempt to talk to your kids..she needs to know to stay away from her,and if she sees her to call 911 immediately. Really. This woman sounds psycho.
I do understand why you told your WH to lie to her. But that needs to be corrected. You need to tell her. She needs to know that she has one parent who will be honest with her,who will protect her. She doesn't need details,but she does need the truth.
Yes..therapy..for both kids. Right away. Im sure they are scared and confused. Telling them the truth will help,but they will need therapy.
Big hugs to you. What a load of shit he has handed you and the kids.
[This message edited by confused615 at 8:53 AM, July 29th (Monday)]
Email..phone call..facebook..letter in the mail..ok. Shoving her way into someone else's house and confronting her in front of a couple of kids? That tells me this OW has NO boundaries and is dangerous as Hell.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:15 AM, July 29th (Monday)]
Talk to a lawyer about what your divorce case looks like. Gather up your financials - debt, income, accounts, etc. before the meeting. Also ask about restraining order. They are not that easy to get in cases like this.
Is this OW married? Tell her spouse asap.
Keep your H out of your house. He probably has not told you the truth about everything. If he really wants to work things out...the truth will come out in time. Set up a time on neutral territory - away from the kids - to talk a few times a week. You need to feel safe.
See your own individual counselor. Take care of yourself...know that this is not the result of anything you did or did not do. People who have affairs usually have some sort of deep wound of their own, probably dating back to childhood. I know my H does. We are beginning to address it. I will never be happy to have gone through this, but I also acknowledge that if this did not happen and he had not been caught, he probably never would have addressed these issues. He might not have known he had any problems below the surface. Now he does and for now, he is doing something about it.
I hope you have some safe people in your life to whom you can confide.
Also - very important - you WILL get through this. I know it is excruciating right now. If someone had told me 4 months ago that I would feel a lot better about everything, I would not have believed them. It's not about letting anyone off the hook. It's about feeling like regardless of what happens to my marriage, I know I can survive. I'm probably going to have some dark moments ahead but I know I will get through them with the help of my support system.
Walking, it's VERY possible that your husband lied to her and told her you were separated. That would explain why he lives in a house with children's bedrooms all intact (for their weekend visits with dad) and why some of your stuff might still be there (he may have claimed you didn't take it all when you moved out.
He had her over to the house when you were out of town, but maybe he explained it as the KIDS being out of town with you, so therefore, he didn't have his kids that week and could entertain her.
Some of these lying cheaters will literally go to all lengths to keep their secret lives intact.
It sounds as though instead of acknowleging what she was trying to tell you, you kept blocking her and not listening to what she was trying to convey to you.
I think it made her so crazy that she did the unthinkable and stormed into your house. I'm not sure if this is a fatal attraction nutcase or simply a woman SO angry at being conned by your husband that she's not thinking clearly and wasn't going to rest until you knew the truth.
What she did was wrong, absolutely dead wrong. But I do wonder what her real motivation is...
You need IC immediately. I understand full well the inertia you're dealing with. I understand the compartmentalization you're engaging in. But it's not healthy for you or your kids. You need someone to help you unravel what's happened and heal. You can make this call today.
I agree that you need to tell your 13-yo the truth. She already knows the truth, but now she's been lied to by her parents. You need to tell her that you were confused & frightened when this initially went down, you made a mistake in trying to cover it up, but now you're trying to remedy that by being honest with her. She needs to know that it is lies which caused this mess, so only truth will correct it.
Go get that restraining order or protection order immediately. Do not rely on your husband to do anything for you. Do it yourself. I want you to take control back of your life. You've been in shock. To protect yourself your mind has made you numb and prevented you from taking action. That's got to stop. YOU be the one to decide what happens. YOU make the calls & take charge. Your children are watching you. They are learning from you. Show them how a grown woman handles tough problems.
You can do this.
[This message edited by stratus722 at 10:56 AM, July 29th (Monday)]
My husband claimed he was being blackmailed too. I've researched this and it does happen. Still no excuse (he should have told me) but does indicate that OW could be mentally ill or mentally unbalanced.
I am so sorry for your situation. My fWH also let it OW into our home. And once OW knocked really really hard on my door and i didnt answer cuz i was alone(found out later it was her). Having her in your home carrying on with your WH is traumatic enough. But that she had the nerve to confront you aggressively in your home and in front of your kids is over the top. I still struggle with how my fWH could have subjected me to so much danger (allowing it into our home) not to mention std's.
A therapist should be able to help with how to explain to each child.
[This message edited by whattheh at 5:55 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
You simply go to your nearest courthouse, ask where you file an RO at, fill out a form, and include every possible reason you are afraid, fill in the blanks that you wish to restrain her from; being in you, your children & possibly your WS presence.
She is not to contact, or your children, you via phone, text, in person, Facebook etc.. Think of everything if you leave a loophole she'll find it.
She is not to follow you in a vehicle or go into any buildings you are in (shopping mall, schools, gas station etc.)
You sign this & they take it to a judge immediately while you wait, he'll sign it off & have a police officer serve her.
DO NOT HESITATE a pissed off OW will ramp it up!!
As for your kids - get them in therapy ASAP as well as yourself. Talk honestly to your 13 year old. Telling her there will be no divorce could end up being a lie. You honestly don't know that yet, since your H is not doing anything towards R you very well may be heading that way.
Since he is out of the house explain to your 13 year old in an age appropriate conversation why that is so.
Also, talk to an attorney about your rights & those of your children. Protect yourself financially & tell the lawyer about the crazy OW, an attorney can draft an NC letter for you.
It's imperative you protect yourself & your children ASAP
I agree with those who have said to get the restraining order, ASAP. First, go to the police station and get a copy of the report. Add that to the file on why you want the restraining order. No matter what happens with your husband, this woman knows where you and your children live. There is no way I'd chance her doing something crazier than she already has.
Get a restraining order. Seriously. No matter what the reasons are, this woman's behavior is far beyond normal.
[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 11:40 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
OMG I am so sorry this has happened to you and your children! There is so much good advice on here already I am not sure I can add more but my experience might help you, who knows.
My WS had the decency to never bring his OW into our home. He spent business trips outside of the country with her (she was a co-worker on the same projects). When the A was revealed to me 4 years later (Thank you apple for inventing Ipads!!!) I immediately contacted the OW spouse...I felt he had a right to know as well. The Other Spouse turned around and started trying to blackmail my husband!!! I know this because my WS vowed to share all contact from them with me and I read these disgusting and terrifying emails myself. He then threatened my husband with physical violence and started threatening to fly in and show up at our door "so they could talk face to face". We promptly installed cameras around our house, canceled lesser used email accounts, blocked phones and secured ourselves as best as possible.
Unfortunately the OW was even worse....she was delusional. She is a narcissistic, delusional control freak who, even when presented over and over again with very blunt "it's over" emails from both my WS and I,She won't take no for an answer. I have suffered through 2 very long and in depth texting conversations with her where she just can't figure out why I don't get that my husband is her Very special, best friend in the whole wide world. She doesn't get why he won't respond to her texts, phone call's or emails. She still uses present tense sentences when talking about them and their love for each other and she has NEVER admitted she has done anything wrong. She flew up here and showed up at our doorstep one weekend unannounced...not an easy thing since we live in a different country. Our 23 year old son was horrified. She begged for my husband to return to her. Both my doctor and my therapist fear for my safety.
We now have a restraining order out on her in 2 separate countries. If she isn't careful she will wind up on a "no fly" list which is what I have threatened to do if she ever shows her horrible face here again. Needless to say my husband is horrified that he has exposed us to all of this. The bright side is, that by working together to problem solve the many situations that arose, we also layed the first bricks in what now is becoming a loving, happy new marriage.
FC is a must for you and the children. I think your husband should also be involved with the FC so that he alone can explain this to your 13 year old daughter. When he sees the hurt on her face he will think twice about ever doing something like this again. You should be there so you know exactly what was said.
Restrain, restrain, restrain...get that order in place. Also take note that your husband hasn't done this since you asked him to weeks ago. This screams red flag in the R department in my books.
I also agree that you and your daughter need to sit down and honestly talk about what happened and who that woman is. I am sure your daughter was as scared as you were. Remain as calm as possible and don't lie....kids want the truth.
You need to find IC as well. Your heart is hurting even though you are currently protecting your family.
Start a file with everything you have found, were sent, and descriptions of what has happened over the course of the last several months. Update it whenever something else happens. Document the crap out of this and explain to your husband you have a file in a secure location with all the info in it. That might shake him out of his delusional world if he knows you are recording this stuff down.
I can't believe this woman invaded your private sanctuary in front of your kids!
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Lots of hugs!
As for "how does this work" I think the 180 is a good place to start. Have you read in The Healing Library? There is a link in the gold box in the upper left corner of the site. Lots of articles that answer "how does this work."
Welcome to SI. Sorry you had to find us.