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User Topic: I'm afraid of what hes going to disclose
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH and I R after a year long separation. On 4/12/13, I found out that he had been having a PA with his high school sweetheart who moved back to our town after her husband died. I found out four months after he came back home because he was caught out with her when he was supposed to be somewhere else. The tremendous damage to my trust and love for him has come from months of TT and ridiculously unbelievable lies. He even lied about who it was at first and I confronted the wrong woman.

I, and our MC have convinced him of the need for full disclosure and total honesty. He has promised to deliver on 8/9/2013, a Friday, so we have the weekend to discuss.

What I've found out so far is he did have sex with her (only once...yeah) and he took her and her kids out on our boat last July 4th. He finally admitted that he really did have her phone number, a fact he denied when I demanded he get her on the phone to verify his story. He says he was out in public with her three times.

We have been married 16 years next month. He is so very remorseful and says he will do anything to save our marriage. He says he now knows what love is and that he knows he could never stand to be with her because she did not live up to the fantasy he had kept of her in his mind all these years (she dumped him and never allowed him to have anything remotely sexual during their relationship when he was 18-20).

I'm devastated. I'm so afraid of what he is going to admit. I was in my hometown for a month last year and I'm afraid he's going to tell me he had her at our home and had sex with her in our bed. On top of that, the sex he will admit to so far was unprotected and I have to get an STD test tomorrow. I'm afraid it will come back positive and I would not be able to forgive either of these horrible things.

He has gone to church today, the first time since I met him. He says he went sobbing to the alter and two preachers took him to the back rooms and prayed over him and "saved" him.

He says he is scared to lose me and that he was so wrong to hurt me and knows he "never learned how to treat my wife, to love her and to cherish her."

All I do is cry and think about what he must have done with her. I can't sleep without pills or alcohol. I finally stopped drinking because all it did was release my anger at being so hurt and made things worse.

How can I ever forgive if he had her in our bed? If he's given me an STD?

I've never felt this bad, not even the deaths of my parents was this painful.

Thank you for any help.


Me BW, Him WH
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2013
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm devastated. I'm so afraid of what he is going to admit.

Breathe. Drink water. Read the Healing Library, in the box at the upper left of your screen.

Knowing is better than not knowing. Just realize you can't un-know something, so take it easy, and make him stop so you can catch your breath. If you hear too much, tell him to stop. You can get the details later, if you still want them.

The fact he's willing to tell you is a good thing. As long as he's willing to tell all that you need to hear, and doesn't trickle-truth you.

How can I ever forgive if he had her in our bed? If he's given me an STD?

You can. Or you can't. That's a personal decision, and you don't have to make it today. Or tomorrow. You will need time to absorb the new information, and to get the test results. MC is good, but you might want to get some IC for yourself to work through all this.

Be careful with the sleeping pills, but don't be afraid to take them as prescribed if you need them.

(((Sadwife)))


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5181 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadwife,
So sorry you are here. Knowing the whole truth is hard but it's better than knowing only part of the story. Also what we make up in our heads is usually much worse than the actual truth.
My husband had an affair with his childhood sweatheart so I feel your pain. Worst part was we were friends so it was a double betrayal.
It sounds like your husband is on the right track to win you back.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you have to wait two weeks, SadWife? It seems cruel to make you wait and speculate, and it also gives him time to get his story straight. Why can't he sit down with u right now and tell?

Do *you* need the discussion to be on a Friday? Or does he?

Big hugs, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. We're here for you.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really know I need to know everything. I'm a very anal person, borderline OCD, really. I have to be totally aware of what my reality was when he kept me in the dark. I want to reconstruct my life back then to help myself understand what was going on and to grieve for my loss, of my innocence and for his betrayal. I would never have believed he was capable of such callous disloyalty to me.

So, I've demanded the disclosure and advised him that after it, I want a follow-up polygraph for any "facts" I have doubts about. I told him that for so long, I was on the outside and they were on the inside. I will be on the inside, too, or I won't be here.

I am just worried that even though I love him so very much, and I know he loves me and desperately wants to R and make it work, the fact that he had sex with her in our bed, if this comes out, may be something I can't forgive. And an STD might be a lifelong reminder that would be too hard to get over.

He's asked me to wait until August 9 because I'm currently out of town and he says he wants to do it when we are together, verses over the phone so he can hold me and comfort me. He's also said that any other night of the week, we may not have enough time and he's trying to avoid having to take off work the next day if I need him and have a lot of questions (which I'm very sure I will as only ALL the details will help me process this and come to terms with it).

He's done everything a really remorseful WH should do, IMO. I even feel sorry for him because I can see he's suffering.

He sent the OW a NC letter (I gave him the format, he wrote it, I sent it certified), which helped me a lot. It was very denigrating for her to read it, I'm sure, so it fulfilled my need for her to know he considered her "a mistake".

I'm just hoping the damage isn't too great and too horrific for me to forgive. And I'm so afraid of how badly it's going to hurt to hear it, even though I'm the one insisting on it. Does this even make sense? Has anyone else felt that way, and if so, how did you stop thinking about and analyzing every little thing, over and over?


Me BW, Him WH
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really know I need to know everything. I'm a very anal person, borderline OCD, really. I have to be totally aware of what my reality was when he kept me in the dark. I want to reconstruct my life back then to help myself understand what was going on and to grieve for my loss, of my innocence and for his betrayal. I would never have believed he was capable of such callous disloyalty to me.

So, I've demanded the disclosure and advised him that after it, I want a follow-up polygraph for any "facts" I have doubts about. I told him that for so long, I was on the outside and they were on the inside. I will be on the inside, too, or I won't be here.

I am just worried that even though I love him so very much, and I know he loves me and desperately wants to R and make it work, the fact that he had sex with her in our bed, if this comes out, may be something I can't forgive. And an STD might be a lifelong reminder that would be too hard to get over.

He's asked me to wait until August 9 because I'm currently out of town and he says he wants to do it when we are together, verses over the phone so he can hold me and comfort me. He's also said that any other night of the week, we may not have enough time and he's trying to avoid having to take off work the next day if I need him and have a lot of questions (which I'm very sure I will as only ALL the details will help me process this and come to terms with it).

He's done everything a really remorseful WH should do, IMO. I even feel sorry for him because I can see he's suffering.

He sent the OW a NC letter (I gave him the format, he wrote it, I sent it certified), which helped me a lot. It was very denigrating for her to read it, I'm sure, so it fulfilled my need for her to know he considered her "a mistake".

I'm just hoping the damage isn't too great and too horrific for me to forgive. And I'm so afraid of how badly it's going to hurt to hear it, even though I'm the one insisting on it. Does this even make sense? Has anyone else felt that way, and if so, how did you stop thinking about and analyzing every little thing, over and over?


Me BW, Him WH
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2013
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does this even make sense?

Absolutely, to all of us I'm sure. You certainly make sense to me.

Has anyone else felt that way, and if so, how did you stop thinking about and analyzing every little thing, over and over?

Yeah, and it took a long time to stop analyzing every little thing, over a year. I didn't get the "real truth" for over 6 months into counseling, and my wife finally just busted out and told the real story.

It was more awful than the awful story she'd been telling...which was pretty awful but a near total fiction, including all the stories about sex acts, other than the fact that there had been an affair.

Yeah, unprotected sex, sex in the bed at our house, sex in the garage, sex up against the car, sex in the woods, sex in the park where we had our first date, yada, yada, yada, and sex with the kids at the house as well.

Be prepared for the worst, and be prepared for the fact that very, very, very few WS's actually do come out and just lay it out there.

Broken people do broken things to break other things.

I've never felt this bad, not even the deaths of my parents was this painful.

I've never experienced anything remotely close to this, not the death of my sister, father, grandparents, dogs, cats, illness of one of our children, nothing. All of those things combined don't begin to come close.

My first wife left me over religious issues, her new found religious convictions and my not being willing to come along with her beliefs. That was pretty terrible, but we'd only been together for a little over 2 years, and I could see it coming, so it was pretty clear what was happening and when I was put on the spot to convert it wasn't a surprise. That hurt, but the affair of my wife, of 9 years, mother of our 4 children, was gut wrenching for weeks and weeks on end.

Truly beyond my imagination, and I've got quite an imagination, and I was prepared for it (so I thought).

I don't know what water-boarding is like, but I'd rather be water-boarded a thousand times than to go through this again, because nearly drowning (which I did once) was not nearly so bad as the affair disclosure.

Other things that have happened before and since that don't measure up...
-Being trampled by a large cow.
-Being thrown from a horse.
-Being attacked by a man with a knife.
-Being threatened by a total stranger.
-Being beaten up by a much older kid when I was in elementary school.
-Being driven to near bankruptcy for two years by the economic collapse of 2008.
-Being treated badly by employers.
-Lots more stuff, but it's all kind of meaningless by comparison.

Reminds me of the song "Nothing compares to you." except with the alteration to make it "Nothing compares to what you did to me."


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
sohowamI
♀ Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I think that I would want to know absolutely everything, whatever it is. Just so that you can understand where I am coming from: my WS did have sex in our bed with one of his OW and he also gave me numerous STDs over the years. We are working on R. It's terribly hard but I have to tell myself that what he is doing - everything that I have asked of him - is what is keeping us together. If you look at my profile you will see just how complicated it all is...

In any event, knowing is power too. If your WS wants to commit to you, if you still love him, if he still loves you, then it's better to know and to work through it all with your MC and with him. You have to discuss it all, though, ad infinitum, and then start afresh - if you can.

All the very best. I know just how you feel.


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm one of those "have to know everything" ones.
Remember, whatever you discover happened, happened. Even if you don't know, it happened. Knowing or not knowing changes nothing about that. How you feel about things can be altered. Altered by how you process and deal with it.

Myself, I always prefer to deal with reality, whatever it is. I can't process a sanitized version of what WH did. He knows, so I want to know too. A secret between the two of them only? No longer acceptable to me. It's a WH and me primary relationship, not WH and whoreslut.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies. I don't feel so crazy knowing others have felt this way, too.

I went for my STD testing this morning. HIV is negative but they recommend another test in three months to make sure. I texted H and advised him they wanted to know when he had sex with her the very last time (a small distortion to get info I wanted) and he said last July, which agrees with what he's said happened. I also advised him that I would have to be tested again so there was no room for error on his answer. He replied and requested I please believe him on this one and that he will no let me down on this. Sigh.

I don't get the results for the other diseases until next Monday afternoon but I'm feeling better about it because the doctor didn't "see" anything and H says he has no symptoms. One small hurdle may be overcome.

This was just such a horrible thing to have to go through, at any age but, especially, at mine. This type of behavior should be over. It's so hard to believe this is my current life. I'm supposed to be enjoying my retirement and my grandchildren.

I know how it feels to want another human being dead.

[This message edited by Sadwife222 at 11:05 AM, July 29th (Monday)]


Me BW, Him WH
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's asked me to wait until August 9 because I'm currently out of town and he says he wants to do it when we are together, verses over the phone so he can hold me and comfort me. He's also said that any other night of the week, we may not have enough time and he's trying to avoid having to take off work the next day if I need him and have a lot of questions (which I'm very sure I will as only ALL the details will help me process this and come to terms with it).

So his need not to take off a day of work is more important than leaving you hanging in purgatory???? Seriously???

I even feel sorry for him because I can see he's suffering.

I think it's a very dangerous place to be when you start feeling sorry for the person who visited all this devastation on you.

I think it's wiser to worry about your own emotional health and well-being. Quite honestly, if he's really remorseful and not just putting on a show for you, then he deserves to feel every single thing he's feeling. He NEEDS to. It will make him think twice about ever pulling this stuff again on you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadwife, I can only wish for full disclosure. I am terrified of what I don't know, and I have a feeling a may never know the true story. Remember that cheaters lie, and that you might never know the full story either. But opening the lines of communication are key - I wish my husband was willing.

I just scheduled STD testing myself. My husband insists that he has never physically been with anyone else since we got married, but 1) I don't believe him, and 2) I have to do it for my own safety, just in case. You're doing the right thing, on all fronts. Good luck.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine would not admit that he brought the STD equation into our home for a time. When I first brought up testing, he was mortified and worked very hard to find out how stupid I was being.
It was part of what helped me realize that he was not living authentically and that R may not be "true".


It really helped me see this other side of him that he'd hidden so long...whiny, defensive and other things and not worried about all the things that can come of his actions and that he and "it" (ow) could physically harm other people with their behavior, including our children.

I'm very sorry, Sadwife. I wish there was a way that you didn't have to wait for his information because I have to wonder, also, why he needs the time?

I did not let nearly Exh have time to spill it, but also got to a point where I couldn't hear any more (the physical details or about the final OW are very big triggers) still.

Just wanted to chime in and wish you well.

Oh...also, it seems that when this happens, I've been told that it is compared to death because it is loss. It's huge loss and so often we the BS are unprepared.

A person who died didn't have the choice to fool around -or do that and leave-so for myself and some friends who've had it happen, death is different than a spouse who cheated and left because the WS chose it, in some form or other, and is out living and making conscious choices.

I've had tests done myself and have given thanks because they came out negative...but did not share this with him as he is with OW and we are divorcing...for what it's worth to share.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there. Welcome. One thing stood out to me, from one of your posts.

H says he has no symptoms

Big Fat Fornicating Deal. Lots of very serious STDs, including HIV/AIDs quite often don't have symptoms. Until it's too late.

You need to insist that your WH goes in for testing, a complete STD/HIV panel, and that the results be given to you in their original format OR that the doctor call YOU with the results. You cannot believe your WHs word because, well, he's a liar and liars lie.

(((hugs))) Please come back often for support. We're all here for you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4916 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. At this point, I do want to wait until I go back home to hear his timeline. He reveals a lot with his facial expressions that I want to help with lie detection.

I will be setting up a polygraph soon after the disclosure. He's readily agreed so it would seem that he might, at least, fear that. But I think cheaters are an arrogant bunch and until they hit bottom, they think they're smarter than everyone else.

He has a men's group meeting at church tonight. I'm hoping he learns the value of a good wife and the importance of being a good husband.

I don't have time for anything else.


Me BW, Him WH
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sadwife222
♀ Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he's setting up the appointment with our family doctor today. I went to the public health department. It would be too humiliating and embarrassing for me to tell my doctor's office that I needed this.

Why do we feel shame? It's not OUR crime!


Me BW, Him WH
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2013
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS that suffered through multiple serial infidelities that WS denied, only way he finally admitted was when I found pictures,
My WS only gave enough info to admit without digging a deeper whole. I can assure you, the tiny bits here and there have been further insult to my intelligence and integrity.
I feel your unbearable pain.
I don't want excuses or justification. I want the truth
Take care of yourself


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 17

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