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User Topic: Never thought...
SuperDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is going to be a long one. At this point, I don't care if anyone takes the time to read, I just need to get this out. Skip to the bottom if you want, that sums up my plea.

I caught her Thursday night... she'd finally slipped up and forgot to delete his text messages.

I knew something's been up. I'll admit I'm a workaholic and for the past couple of years, I've been shutting down. I never had time to do anything for myself, it was always work, running kids everywhere, and trying to show her affection when I had the energy. I was personally miserable, not about my marriage, but about my lack of self. Throughout it all I never went to bed without kissing her goodnight, I never left for work without kissing her goodbye and telling her I loved her, and the first thing I did when I got home was kissed her. I meant every bit of it and she always did the same.

In early June, I finally hit a spot in my life where I was somewhat happy with myself, things were looking up. She always insisted I take time for myself, like 2 years ago when she said I had to take Tuesday night for myself... what a joke, I worked 14hrs a day at that time. By the time I get home, there's 2 hours for dinner, discussion, kids then I needed to go to bed to start it all over again. I finally said screw it late last summer and decided to start cutting my work hours and doing more for myself. I got back in to fishing, something I used to love and hadn't done in 15 years. She seemed so happy I was finally getting out to do things and insisted I make time for it when I could (still had work and family responsibilities to take care of).

At any rate, I realize I need to put more effort in to our relationship in earnest. Things had been getting better, our sex life was up a little, we had been communicating more and I needed to get us back to that crazy in love point where we were years ago... I was a week too late.

Our anniversary was July 1st. I fucked up big time and had dates all screwed up in my head thinking it was the following Monday (I never forgot our anniversary, I just forget what day it is sometimes and had it all screwed up). We were going up north that weekend and I had plans to take her out to dinner and go to the falls and such while up there... I just screwed up and didn't realize I was a week off. The day before our AV, she says what do you want to do tomorrow? Not even realizing what day it was and clearly planning stuff in my mind for next weekend, I say no plans... she was crushed. She didn't let on too much, but I could tell. So I take off from work early on our AV and we go out to eat and such (with our 2 youngest in tow). That evening, I know she's not happy and I just ask "What's wrong, what can I do?" Then I get the talk... "I love you, but I don't feel that I'm in love with you anymore".

I'm shocked. Things had been better, I was more emotionally available in the last month than I'd been in years, and I thought things were going well. I knew at that point whatever I'd been doing wasn't enough and I had to step it up even more. We talked a lot about it and were working on things, but she kept saying for "for two years she'd been trying and she was drained". No matter, I was committed and so was she (so she said) to make it back to where we used to be.

Something just clicked after that conversation though so I started checking up a little. She closes at her salon on Tues, Thurs, and many Sat nights. Salon closes at 9, but for a while now it's 10:20ish by the time she gets home- used to be 9:30. I started checking her text sent/rcv records and looking for patterns. One number kept popping up tues, thurs and sat. Quite a few texts leading up to just after 9ish, then a couple at 10ish (her drive home), then back up again around 11 on to 2am or so. Her normal pattern is come home, we talk for a bit and then she stays up and watches tv to unwind from work while I go to bed- she's always been a night owl.

She's got lots of friends, and I never had a doubt in my mind, but this was eating at me. I memorized that number and recent dates of texts and was able to grab her phone when we were camping and punched it in to pull up who it was... nothing came up. No record of the texts I knew were sent/rcvd on certain dates. Now I'm getting a serious pit in my stomach. I wanted to believe it was one of her friends that had just recently changed their number, but I couldn't let it rest. The day after we got back camping, she had to close and I had to work. While at work, I was checking her text records and that number popped back up... she was hiding something obviously and my heart began to pound. I play it cool that night, and monitor all the texts that day- over 20. At about 8:50, I call the number pinging it though her phone to make it look like it came from her... voicemail so I hung up. She gets home around 10 and we go through the usual, how was work, show me your new dress (absolutely stunning btw) and she heads to the shower like she always has after work. I grab her phone and pull up her txt and there it is. 8 messages starting with "you called me lol" then "are you coming to see me after work?" her responses were no, but the last msg sent was from her- a pic she took while we were camping in her bikini top making a kissy face. Heart is now exploding.

I play cool, she gets out of the shower and I casually ask "anything new, meet up with anyone after work?" she says no and gives a little puzzled look. Then I tell her "you forgot to delete your texts"

Her jaw drops and so it begins. She sent him the first text on 5/30. As far as I'm concerned, that's when she started cheating- when the intent to stray was officially acted on. She says she'd met up with him like 7 or 10 times after work (found out later, he works at phone store across the hall from her salon). She said they never had sex, but later admitted to "making out with him", then when asked point blank also going down on him and him touching her. She still sticks to the "no sex", but I just can't believe her. I want to.

We have 5 children- 3 from my previous marriage (full custody), 1 from her previous, and one together. My ex is a deadbeat and she's been mom to all for nearly 8 years. Her ex is non-existent and her daughter has called me dad since she could talk.

I want to make it work, and she says she'll do anything to do so. I can't imagine my life without her, but at this point, I can't imagine it with her. I have a hard time letting things go. 10 years ago I went through the exact same thing with my ex and it feels like history is repeating. I picked smoking back up (quit 5 years ago to prep for making our new baby lol). We've got an appt for marriage counseling on thursday, and I've been reading everything I can to help myself cope. I haven't eaten since 11am the 25th, didn't sleep for 38hrs and about 4 hours last night.

Blame- I take the brunt of the blame for our marital problems, but this shit.... this shit's all on her.

I (we?) want to make this work. How do I forgive? How do I stop the mental images? How do I make the pain go away or be bearable so I can still be a father? Can I ever learn to trust again? How can I just be numb (drank last night, didn't help, won't do again)? How can I not shut down again?


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you find yourself here Bro. But sadly your story is not unique. Don't make a decision right now. You have probably only scrapped the tip of the iceberg. Most WS will lie when confronted. at the very least minimize their actions. Its been my experience that if they claim no sex which is often the case. There was sex involved and its much deeper then you think. The healing library is located in the upper left hand corner of the home page. Read it !!!!. There are many helpful stories and advice there. Your going to experience a myriad of emotions in the upcoming weeks, months and even years. One minute you will be crying your eyes out, the next looking to kick someone's ass. Keep your cool and think with your head, not your heart. Your going to be OK in the long run. Infidelity is the most damaging emotional experience your ever going to go through. Worst than the death of a loved one. So be ready for the wild ride that's coming.

If your WW is remorseful remains to be seen. Her actions will dictate how this is going to unwind. You need to keep in mind that cheaters lie. That's just how it goes and it sucks. You cant believe what she tells you and can only go by her actual physical actions to see is she has remorse. You know the old saying "Talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words" that's a very true statement when dealing with infidelity. You need to find a support system to help you through this. Depression, anxiety, PTSD are all collateral maladies that manifest after the discovery of a cheating spouse. Make sure to know the signs and take action when needed. See your Dr and consider IC. Don't be ashamed to go on meds if needed. Almost every aspect of your life is going to suffer. Including you career so be ready for when it happens.

Its best to be proactive in these circumstances. Sitting there and feeling sorry for yourself will not make things go away. Take the time to digest what has happened. Find out as much of the truth as you can. Then make an informed decision as to how you want to proceed. The depth of her betrayal is unknown at this time. You may find that what she did is simply a deal breaker for you. And there is no shame in that. She knew the risks before she cheated and took them anyways. Remember that her relationship with the OM was built on lies and fantasy. Not much if any was formed in reality. That said, don't under estimate her addiction to those feelings. Its very hard for a WS to simply walk away from the fantasy. So be vigilant and keep a watchful eye on things. At the very least she needs to have no contact with that asshole. Many WS take their A underground after discovery. Its also a given that her working situation needs to change. I'm not going to overload you with too much shit right now. Keep on posting and reading. There are some great people here that will help. Its a bit slow on weekends so don't get discouraged if you don't get many replies during the down time. Things pick up during the week. Good luck and welcome.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5724 | Registered: Nov 2007
KVille
♀ Member
Member # 29071
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stronger08 has said it all. Cheaters lie .
Do go out today and get the liquid nutritional drinks to help you. Get to a doctor to see if you can get meds, they help most of us cope.
I am so sorry for you. You sound like a great dad.


never ever getting back together

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: North Carolina
SuperDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust me, I know what I'm feeling and what I'm going through. I'm no stranger to PTSD. As I said, this happened to me 10 years ago with my ex. It took me almost 2 years to become an emotionally functional individual again. That being said, this time is actually worse because it's broken trust that took so long to be able to give to someone again.

I know she's lied, how much, I don't know. My wife can be emotionally detached. It took forever when we started dating to get her to actually open up and start breaking down walls. She says there was no emotion involved with this, she was "just being a player for attention" (I don't know I believe that yet, in actuality, it is possible with her). She's deleted her Facebook page, she set up the counseling appt... she's actually said she's sorry (many, many, many, times). To understand just what that means- my wife doesn't apologize period. For anything period. Ever. She worked last night and handed me her time slip receipt showing she had just got out of work.

I accessed her FB page before she deleted it and read some of her messages to her two closest friends. She may lie to me, but she won't lie to them. I do truly believe she is remorseful and wants to make it work, but as you said, it's too early to tell.

Sex/No Sex. In my mind it doesn't make that much of a difference than sucking another man's dick. My brain is obsessing about it, but in all actuality, it's irrelevant since intimate contact is intimate contact. I have a feeling, if it happened, she'll admit it soon. Transcripts of her messages will be coming in 7-10 days and she knows it. I've been advised by many not to read them (including my Pastor) since it will only burn it in to my memory and make any chance of healing impossible. She's been also asking I not read them so I've got a plan. I keep asking if there's anything else I need to know. She says there isn't. I told her I'm not going to read them, but I am going to have my good friend who I've told everything to and have him "fact check". She knows if I have to find out from him through the messages that it's absolutely over and she seems to be trying hard to work through. If there is evidence in the texts, she'll most likely admit it before I hear it from other sources. If there's no evidence, I guess I have to let that issues rest aside from getting tested... just in case.

Since this little douche bag works less than 30 yards from her, and is one of her "former" customers, I've asker her to find a new job ASAP. Having to be financially responsible, she can't just quit and she's the assistant manager.

I'm not making any decisions right now, I know I'm too clouded for that. The one decision I have made is to make an honest effort to work this out... if I don't, I'll hate myself forever with the "what if's". I have to think of my children, my older 3 still have residual issues with their mom and I being divorced.

That brings me to the kids... My girls are 15, 14, 11, 9, and 4. Not just playing the proud parent card, but they are 5 of the most intelligent, perceptive children you'll ever meet. That being said, the 4 year old just knows something is wrong, she wouldn't understand. We've talked to the teens and told them "we're having adult issues and are working on things". I've also admitted to them about my smoking, much to my shame. The 9 and 11 year old just got back from church camp yesterday and don't really know anything as of yet. I'm going to have the "we're having adult issues" talk with them today after church (wife is working again).

I know how this goes, as I said, I've been here before. My ex went to MC with me after our separation in an attempt to salvage the marriage... in the mean time she'd actually moved in with her fuck buddy without me knowing. I left that relationship a broken man.

I told my wife I don't want her to live in a cage- it's not fair to her. She says she doesn't care, whatever it takes.

It's going to be a long road. Where it ends up, I don't know. What I do know is I've been here before and made it through. With or without her, I will carry on, bruised, scarred, torn, but not broken again. I played single father before, and I can do it again.


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
SuperDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry KVille, I didn't see your post as I was rambling on my last reply.

Meds to me are a possible option, I did Prozac for a year the last time and it allowed me to get out of bed in the morning and be a dad. That being said, I'm strongly opposed to antidepressants. Potential for catastrophic side effects are too high for me. I am an avid gun enthusiast with an expansive collection... and I know how to use them, very, very, well. Statistics show SSRI's (antideps) are integrally linked with violent sprees and I already have a somewhat hair trigger temper. I found out Friday night it's possible to destroy an 80lbs heavy punching bag if you hit it hard enough... which I did. I've never hit a woman, never killed over love or emotion, but I don't want to take the chance.

BTW- we just talked again and I asked her again about the messages if there was anything else and she said again they didn't have sex, but they did try to meet up outside of work 3 time to do the deed, though it never took place. I actually believe that to be the truth, but it will be verified. Not that it really matters anyway.


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SuperDad))

Your feelings of "I can't live without her... but how can I live with her" are all to familiar to me. I love my husband with all of my very broken heart, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. It sounds like your wife is willing to fix things, and I hope that you are able to work it out. From what I've been reading, it's an uphill road for both spouses to recover from infidelity, although I feel like the betrayed's hill is a little steeper (maybe just me). I've barely slept or eaten going on a week-and-a-half now, and I don't see it getting better anytime soon. But I also haven't confronted my husband yet. It kills me that this forum has so many members - I am glad for the company and support, but I wish that no one needed it. Keep your head up and good luck.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
SuperDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Krazy- speaking from (too much) experience. You need to confront and let it out as soon as its confirmed. You put if off and it will eat you up even more like it currently is.

throw your cards down and start moving or it will fester and destroy you


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
SuperDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should probably clarify my temper thing - its not hair trigger, just explosive. If something is enough to set me off (and it takes a lot), I'll typically ddestroy the first inanimate object in sight. Not a generally violent person.


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SuperDad)))

I know how you feel.

My first husband cheated on me (that was a 10 yr marriage, no kids-----I came home from work unexpectedly & found him in our bed with OW!----that was the end of that marriage) & it took a long time before I felt safe again.

I tolerated a lot of things in my present (second) marriage (such as a narcissistic, controlling, meddling MIL) because I thought that I had found one of the few men on earth who would never cheat------well I was wrong! I have been trying to R with him for the past 2 yrs, to keep the family together ( we have 4 kids together.)

Thank God for this site. Found it last fall. Wish I had found it sooner. It helps me so much to come here.

I totally get it about being cheated on in both of your marriages. It makes one wonder "Is there something wrong with me? Do I not deserve my spouse's loyalty? Am I not good enough?" There will be those who tell you that you are just picking the wrong type (a person who will cheat), but in my case, that was my number one priority this second time around ---& my current WH always portrayed himself as such a moral person. When he heard stories about other people cheating, he was always so disapproving.


How do I forgive? How do I stop the mental images? How do I make the pain go away or be bearable so I can still be a father? Can I ever learn to trust again?

You will make it thru this. It will get better. Sending you strength.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
LIGHTCHASER
♀ New Member
Member # 39841
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for you. Infidelity is one of the worst experiences and you had to experience it with two different people. However, I believe that there is still hope for your marriage because she seems to be trully remorseful. If she does not carry on with the A and tries to win you back, then you should try to forgive her. Good luck


DD: Mid April 2013
Married for 9 years
Have twins aged 3,5

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Superdad)))

PTSD is a serious diagnosis..
Maybe for right now you should pack up those guns and move them to another residence a parent or friend?? Just to be safe..
I am an avid gun owner also.. I also had a severe PTSD diagnosis..

Look they cheat not beca
use of YOU or what YOU do. It is all abut them and their brokenness. If you can find a good marriage therapist that deals in infidelity it can be worked thru.
They always affair down always!!!

Drink plenty of water drink those nutrition drinks work out and focus on YOU... Yes be a little selfish right now you need to. But don't do the revenge affair thing! 2 wrongs will not correct the situation. Hurting anyone will not fix anything. Focus on you and your children.

I also had EMDR therapy done. It helped me function and stopped the in my face day consuming emotional waves of that moment I found out. Like watching a severe death with the ability to see, taste, smell and feel the feelings of the victim. Although the victim was me. EMDR works....

I don't like meds either but if needed so be it...

You are in a great place for support so keep posting..
Think positive. Remember what she say is a lie. They always try to tell you just a little bit of the truth.
Be prepared for that ok..

(((Superdad)))


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW- we just talked again and I asked her again about the messages if there was anything else and she said again they didn't have sex, but they did try to meet up outside of work 3 time to do the deed, though it never took place. I actually believe that to be the truth, but it will be verified. Not that it really matters anyway.

You are right, SD. At this point the sex/no sex topic doesn't matter that much. You have already been emotionally crushed. But what is paramount is if she is telling the truth, because if so, she may well be on the path to remorse.

You already have experienced a cheating ex without remorse. It is possible that this time around...with a remorseful spouse...will not leave you "broken" as you described yourself from your last marriage.

I get the workaholic life---I really do. I have been for the last 25+ years. But that is who my then-to-be-wife met back then, so it is not like I changed drastically during our relationship. Not trying to rid myself of marital blame, but just trying to show you that maybe you shouldn't be bearing as much of the brunt of your marriage issues as you currently do.

As you stated--this affair is ALL on her. But that doesn't mean that you and the children don't suffer greatly because of such. Kids are much more aware of their surroundings than we often give them credit for. Infidelity affects everyone.

As low as you feel right now, you do seem to have your head squarely on your shoulders. Obviously, some boundaries and enforcements must be reset, but the two of you can move forward from this---I believe at a very progressive rate---if both of you are fully committed. Only time will tell that story.

Keep posting. Good luck.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
SuperDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartache- I know the dangers of PTSD all in itself, thus my normal sidearm will not be with me for a while. Everything remains in the safe. There isnt any point in moving them, as I could re-arm if i wanted to in short order from other sources.

Just got home from church and i actually felt something. I need everyone to know I'm not the hyper religious type. Sometimes I doubt my beliefs entirely. The point is I had a calming feeling and revalation that is helping me cope.

Disclaimer* this is not acceptance. But has anyone ever thought the shoe could have been on the other foot? I love my wife with all my heart, but if someone had approached me, say a co-worker when I was in my dark place. Showed me the attention I thought I was missing, made me feel myself again...
Would I have? I'd like to say "hell no, i'd never do that", but i have to be real about it... I thought about it... Fuck. I don't accept what she did, but I can honestly say... I understand. I understand because it coulda been me...

I'm sure many will disagree with what I just said, thats fine. You've either never been to that place or you're a hell of a lot better/stronger person than I am.

It gives hope. Its a long road ahead, but there is some hope. We'll see what happens.


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SuperDad

SO sorry you find you have to come here, but very glad you found us.

Ive been in this nightmare just a little longer than you. My hell started over 3 weeks ago. Our stories are eerily similar in many ways, although not all.

I just wanted to caution you about your calming feeling and revelation, although you've been through this before so you might not need to read this. A couple of days ago I hit a plateau, or what felt like one, and I was calm and feeling normal for once in a long while. Then last night I had the worst anxiety attack I can remember, coupled with a nightmare, and got at most 3 hours of sleep. I'm now feeling terrible pain and anxiety. It's been the worst day since day zero.

What I'm saying is that a lot, although likely not all, of the wisdom here will apply to you directly. I thought I was slowly getting better, despite only having been in this horror for 3+ weeks. Others here cautioned me, and told me my emotions would be all over the map this early in. Don't count on how you're feeling about ANYTHING as an indicator of how you'll feel in the next few days. Your feelings can change on a dime. Mine sure did.

I wish you strength, brother.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
SuperDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on full day number 4 and the anxiety is back. Not the crippling feeling I had before, but it's back.

I don't trust what I feel, at this point in time, I don't care. One day at a time. Whatever it takes to get through the day in a non destructive manner. I do have my head about me enough to know what I'm dealing with and there are no absolutes.

I have reached a point of acceptance of the situation and knowledge of how it got to this point. Sadly I do understand how it could happen. I hate myself for what I did to my relationship, but I don't blame myself for this.

Thank you everyone for your support, I pray one day I can return the favor.

Pray for strength and grace.


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel your pain SuperDad. One day when I was home alone found myself yelling, screaming and beating the walls. Even though it wasn't productive, it felt good to let some of it out. I have no advice, as am still very confused myself not sure what is real & what is fake. I am thankful for this website! not that there is a need for it, but that people are willing to share. I now know I'm not going insane, even though it feels like it some days.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SuperDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything is real and fake at the same time.
Every emotion we feel is real.
Every pain we have is real.
Every moment of rage is real.

Every moment of peace is real.

We must take it as it comes, but be vigilant of acting on any emotion. We must all keep our wits about ourselves. Just because you're feeling a little better doesn't mean you are, just because you're feeling worse doesn't mean it is.


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome SuperDad -
As you can see you will get tons of support, and a lot of good advice here.

We all come from a place of wanting to help you, help you healn, help prevent you from further pain and grief. You have been very open with us about your fears, and feelings, and that is helpful.

It seems that your wife has made some horrible decisions, but now that she has been caught is wanting to fix things. That is a positive thing. However and I say However as a word of caution from my own personal experience, she may not fully get what she needs to do to get you and your relationship to a point where you can start healing.

Obviously she needs to establish NC with this idiot. I would make sure that this has been done.
You also need to have complete transparency from her, and it sounds like you are getting it, and that is great, however I would make sure to look about for a hidden phone, and so forth. As many WS will say they want things to work, and act like they are trying, but in fact are still carrying on.
I would also demand that she go for STD testing, if she didn't sleep with him, then she will jump at the chance to proove herself. This is for her health, and yours, and your family.
I get that the act of sex may not make this worse for you than the actual betrayal, and lies. I too felt that way. But we also have to be realistic and make sure we are healthy.

If your anxiety is overwhelming, and antidepressants are not an option for you, strongly consider something to help you sleep, and/or manage your anxiety. The lack of sleep causes our emotions to to be more labile, and reactionary, and can be detrimental to you.

You are not alone in this adventure, keep that in mind, and keep posting here.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8705 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SuperDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40079
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having difficulty with the NC thing. He works less than 30 yards from her in another store. She can't just quit unfortunately. She's given me a list of steps she's taking to avoid contact. Her co-workers will help I'm sure as they are mutual friends for the most part. Obviously I can't believe anything that's said and independent verification is difficult. I hope the MC re-enforces my plea for a job change.

I don't know that she does realize what this is going to take. I told her it would be like living in a cage to calm my fears and she says she'll do anything... time will tell.

I believe transparency has been achieved in all honesty. She has admitted to 3 failed attempts to "hook up"... on her request. She knows that with me, intent is as bad as the action, thus she admitted the ultimate betrayal and she acknowledges it with much remorse. My plan of having my close friend fact check the text transcripts against her story will tell the tail. I will be getting tested regardless for my own peace of mind.

MC starts Thursday and I can honestly say, I can't wait to get my heart ripped out again... anything to move forward on this nightmare.

Grace, Strength, Peace
-SuperDad


Me BS (34)
Her WS (34)
M 6 years, together 8
Dday 7/25/13
Five beautiful, crazy smart daughters 16, 14, 11, 9, 4 (mine/hers/ours)
Second M, first went up in flames from same thing.
Both committed to R... time will tell.

Pray for Strength.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sadrunnergirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40097
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there, SD. I am new to this game, also. The shock and constant self-checking are debilitating at times. Luckily, we've found a great resource here. Everyone seems to be so supportive and helpful. Keep posting, and I'll do the same. I'm not a super religious person, but I pray - and today I'll pray for peace and comfort for us all.


Me: BS (36)
He: WS (33)
Dday: 7.19.13
Both committed to R, but I'm terrified

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Nc, USA
Topic Posts: 20

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