As I am typing the settlement proposal, I am in tears. On paper, he owes me a lot of money. I am asking for him to pay for half of children's tuition and uncovered medical expenses. I see all the amounts and I think WTF? I "think" it's because I am afraid. I'm afraid he's going to say shit like "It's all about money with you isn't it?", or "You have a savings and parents/family that help you and I have no one". Deep down, I'm scared that he will kill himself. I've gone over this several times with my therapist so I know it is not my fault if he chooses to commit suicide. My brain knows that but I'm still afraid. I'm scared of his reaction.
I keep telling myself that this money is for the children. I know that I will have to support my children long term (special needs) and he will just have to support them until whatever the judge decides (I'm asking for 26). So I need this money. It is rightfully mine. Why do I feel so damn guilty that he is going to be broke? Why?
I am re-reading some codependent books to help my perception; my thinking; my rational. But I would really appreciate some real advice or insight.
It will take practice and time to get used to your new, healthy normal. That other normal was anything but normal or healthy.
If he does kill himself it is something he was always going to do - just waiting for a stupid excuse.
You need to work on aligning your heart and mind on this. Especially if there is any chance he will do it.
I honestly believe the sad clown will kill himself one day. Whether as a cry for help gone too far or a genuine successful attempt.
My father OD'd when I was 17 so I know what it will be like for my girls and I don't want that. But I don't control what he does. There is nothing I can do to stop him killing himself just as there is nothing I can do to make him kill himself.
I think deep down you still don't want to displease him. You still want to make him happy.
You and your kids are gagging on this shit sandwich he made for you all to eat and you're still worried about making his own more palatable.
If he does go broke it is his own fault - his own doing. I doubt he will.
You NEED this money. Your kids NEED this money. Don't forget YOU are the one taking care of these kids. Well beyond the age of 26.
If you relented and let him run off scott free chances are he'd go broke anyways.
Fuck.That.Guy. Remember what he did to you and to your children. THIS is merely some of what he has done to himself.
YOU are not doing anything TO him. You are taking what is rightfully yours according to the law. Further more your are doing it FOR your kids.
Focus on making this shit sandwich more palatable for you and your kids.
In case you didn't hear it before - Fuck.That.Guy.
[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:51 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]
I feel your pain/worry in your,post. Srongbutbroken is right with what she says.
The problem, as I see it, has to do with personal responsibility. He revoked his responsibility to the sanctity of your marriage. Does he now get a free pass on his financial responsibility to the family? It's time for him to take responsibility for his part. Divorce has a sobering way of letting us know just how much that truly is.
Strength to you.
Of course, that was over 2 years ago and it is still burned into my brain. I felt guilty for needing money. It didn't matter that he had an apartment he couldn't afford, bought a car way too expensive, and couldn't manage money. He blamed it on me. *I* wanted too much money.
I know if feels...heartless...but in reality these are just the repercussions of their choices and actions. Nothing more. You are fighting for the REST of your life.
What he chooses to do (complain, suicide, guilt trips, whatever) are on him. He is an adult and is responsible for his choices. You are responsible for yours...and making sure your children are taking care of is one of them.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
He said, "Get all that you can get for these girls and anything you haven't used at the end of each year you can return to him in a check". Of coarse she needed every bit of it to care for 2 girls.
I am feeling extremely guilty about how much money he will have to pay in CS.
I'm not as worried about the division of assets. That is pretty well figured out.
Its the CS that has me fearing he will act out. He has already tried threatening me that if I ask for too much, he will try to get 50/50 so he can get out of paying support.
Everyone that I talk to tells me to get everything that I can. I am not responsible for his bad choices. But I still feel like somehow I'm doing him wrong.
Burn everything love then burn the ashes.
I'm afraid he's going to say shit like "It's all about money with you isn't it?", or "You have a savings and parents/family that help you and I have no one".
If he's anything like my POS, he will say this a lot. I get this all the time.. Hopefully you will learn the eyeroll very quickly..
I give him crickets, but here's what I'd like to say:
"Like I'm really supposed to feel bad I saved for retirement and you didn't. And yeah, I'm really gonna feel horrible about myself that I have friends and family who support and love me, just as I support and love them. Maybe if you weren't such an ass, you would still have some family and friends around you.
The dirty slut's glittery vagina doesn't pop out thousand dollar bills? Aww, poor widdle baby...
And yes, POS, marriage is about love, and divorce is about money. Please start checking your emotions at the door."
Sending you big hugs dmari. Try to own your own stuff, let him own his. I think part of the co-dependency for me was trying to control him to be better, to deal with his FOO issues, to be a better dad, etc., so he started thinking things were my fault since I wasn't "controlling" or "helping" him correctly. Once I let all of that go, he had to start learning that he controls himself. (Which probably he isn't since I still get blamed for things I have no part of , and I'm betting MOW gets some blame now if he's feeling "unhappy").
You said it yourself. You need this money. It is rightfully yours. Feel guilty if you rob a bank. Don't feel guilty for fighting for your kids and forcing him to follow the rules.. FTG..
Oh honey. We've been conditioned to make our needs small for so long that anything we do in the other direction feels selfish.
^^^ 1000 percent this ^^^
But this isn't about you and it isn't "your" money. It is money for the kids, to secure the quality of their upbringing and their future. It is your job to do so - and it is his job too! This is your mantra: It isn't for me - it's for your children!
Easiest solution on the car - switch. If you are driving the kids around - you should have a safe, solid car to do it in.
StrongButBroken ~ Thank you so much for your response! You have blessed me with your strong and wise words. You have brought up many good points. I needed the reality check, reassurance and of course, a FTG!
nomistakeaboutit: You are right. He does not get a free pass on financial responsibility to his children. ESPECIALLY to his children. Thank you!
cmego: What your ex said is exactly what I think my stbx is going to say and how you felt is exactly how I feel. Thank you for the reminder that this is just one of the repercussions of HIS choice.
homewrecked2011: LOL! I like what your friends dad said! Thanks!
hangingontohope7: (((((hugs))))) Looks like we are having the same feelings of guilt.
ButterflyGirl: I know how to do "crickets" real well and I will start working on the eye rolling . It made me laugh when I read what you would like to say! I'm going to repeat that in my head over and over again because it is so true! Thank you for the hugs and for the reminding me to work on my own shit. You are absolutely right.
myperfectlife: Thank you for sharing! I think my stbx is still with his girlfriend so I shouldn't have any guilt already! After he told me that he didn't have anyone to help him (he does but he is estranged from parents), I reminded him that he has his girlfriend. He yelled at me "She scrubs toilets". Crickets.
Take2: Thank you for the reminder that the money IS FOR THE KIDS! Thank you for the mantra! I WILL use it! We can't trade cars (I WISH) because his is a personal police car. And the police department doesn't allow cops to drive around in a bust up 2006 Toyota Corolla! LOL!!
I read your post and was so sad you were in tears. Then your final post sounds more like "you." I am so glad. You were given wonderful advice and support and it seems to have done the trick.
My thoughts while I was reading were that "you can't make him happy any more than you can make him miserable."
I imagine the whining about CS from the "parents" who do whine about supporting their children is akin to buyer's remorse. It shows more clearly than anything else how they feel about the little people they brought to the planet.
After he told me that he didn't have anyone to help him (he does but he is estranged from parents), I reminded him that he has his girlfriend. He yelled at me "She scrubs toilets".
This is beautiful!!! If that isn't karma, I don't know what is!
numbandnauseous: It is funny but she is so insignificant to me, I didn't even count her as part of his karma!
I love you guys sooo much! Thank you!!
Slight TJ but the first thing I thought when I read the above was "And does she do your back as well?"
D-Day, June 10, 2012
My WS got so pissed at the original numbers he told me " I understand that they have these guidelines for a reason, but really-why is it my problem anymore?"
WOW-who was THAT person? That is soooooo unlike the man I married.
Just remember they ASKED for this. They did.
If they had any concern for you or the kids they wouldn't have done what they did.
Time to pay the piper.
I am at a similar stage that you are. I am waiting to hear back from my lawyer because there was some money that nearly ExH cashed in to "use for bills", but the bills are late and unpaid.
He is shopping and showing up with new things, clothes, gifts for DD and so on.
The money that he cashed in is legally half mine and I am trying to find out how much is being spent and worrying that it is going to OW and the new life.
And yes, I have guilt thinking that he earned it and took a really long time to earn it...but a counselor reminded me that he also screwed up our lives big time and isn't good with money.
I don't understand the guilt either, but wanted to say that I share it.
When I finally filed and had to fill out the forms, I too, was in tears, even knowing all he's done...I knew he wanted the divorce but wouldn't do it because he is chicken, but the whole time I knew he was being looked for and served, I balled.
For me, those papers and that writing...all there in black and white...spells it all out. The end. Change. Reality. It's all crystal clear (even if flubbed) and makes life feel different-at least for me-to be simply a piece of paper, instead of all that was worked for and hard-earned.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.