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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Found out on June 30th
pissed630
♀ New Member
Member # 40087
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I am 42 years old and my husband will be 41 in November. We have been together for 4 1/2 years and married for 3. When hubby and I met he told me he had female friends and if I'd be okay with it. Come to find out he had way more but kept much of it a secret. He has flirted with females on/off "jokingly", "liked" pics, watches porno without me, and would meet up with some of these female friends for lunch dates etc. without me knowing. He only likes female doctors and always has said that he gets along better with females. Well I've always felt he had a better relationship with his friends than me though he brags to them about me all along. It is kind of strange. I know he had a horrible relationship with his alcoholic abusive mother that he moved away from when he was about 5th grade but I believe this has all contributed to his behavior. Well, I've always thought there was a chance of him cheating because he has lied about some of his female friends who were really exlovers because I guess he thought I'd make him drop them as friends. I'd try and talk to him and he would tell me to go talk to my bff most of the time but then he'd never really open up to me. WHY? Because he was too busy opening up to his female friends for using them as a sounding board about me. Some of these friends he met via fb etc. It seemed as if one month a long time friend was the "friend of the week". I don't even know how to explain it. This had become a problem in our marriage and we had seeked marriage counseling. He also went to individual counseling and so have I. We were using the same counselor for all of it. This counseling was due to his encouragement. I wanted a divorce two years ago. Off and on things continued to go up and down in our marriage. Money was an issue as well. At one point we didn't even go out on a date together for over a year. I would find cards (nothing written to anyone in particular but you could tell he bought them for someone) he would buy that he would lie about and even condoms that he claimed that he was going to use but got drunk and felt so bad that he didn't go through with it. Well I never had proof of an actual physical affair but only emotional ones until 6/30/13. That is when I discovered a letter he emailed to this girl he was messing around with who is 27 years old, no kids, living with her sister, and barely has her life together. He is openly telling her how he liked how she would dress for him in lingerie, how "no one" kisses him like she does blah, blah, blah. He even mentions me in the letter how he hopes to make sure she is "okay" and until he can be with me that he wants to make sure that she is okay. So this dumb ass knew he had a wife and was just being "played". After I confronted him with all of this he has begged me to stay and for awhile I refused. He even resorted to taking a whole bottle of pills and put into a pshychiatric ward for a week due to it. I told him we'd work it out but I'm having mixed feelings now that I've been told by him and our therapist that the reason he started therapy is because of his desires. He is a sex addict!!!!! I don't know if I can cope with this issue and I wish he just move out so I can think through this. Now I wish I didn't tell him we'd work on this but at the time he was in the hospital he was so devastated and crying uncontrollably that I thought it would be the best thing. We have no kids together and I am not financially dependent on him. We really have no ties so walking away would not be hard at all. He just won't let go. He has given me all of his passwords to fb, email accounts, phone etc. but just like he has announced to me several times, if he wants to cheat he'd find a way. So WHY does he think that makes me think he is going to change? I also told him I didn't want him still talking to his female friends which I know would be difficult since majority are female. One of them that he met on fb and I've never met has been in his ass about me to him BUT I still think their relationship is not appropriate. My husband is the kind of friend that will tell his female friends that he loves them and barely says it to me. He really has a huge problem but as I said the ones (female friends) that I've talked to say I am all he talks about. I really need feedback from anyone who can relate to this addiction issue. Yeah he cheated but it goes so much deeper. He doesn't blame me one bit BUT says me nagging him or continously bringing up the past pushes him towards cheating (I think that is a copout). I told him honestly that I don't think I could be supportive and he should leave so I could get my head straight. Well thanks for listening. I know I've rambled but I guess I'm "thought typing".

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Detroit
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI. I am sorry for what you are going through. There is a lot of support here to help you get through this.

Weekends here are a little slow, don't give up hope. There are a few places you can start.

1) The healing library- there are BS and WS FAQ there that are full of information. The link is located in the upper left yellow box.

2) In the I can Relate forum there is a thread for Spouses of Sex Addicts

3) In this forum there are a bunch of threads to read through (they might be a page or two back):
Before you say reconcile
Boundaries and consequences 101
A great post for newbies
Tactical Primer

Keep reading and posting and asking. You can survive this.

PS- if you break your posts up into paragraphs with spaces it makes them a lot easier to read and follow.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you found SI, pissed630; I hope you'll be able to get some good help and support here.

I second Chicho's suggestions. In addition to reading in The Healing Library, I found reading posts & responses in the Just Found Out & General forums very beneficial when I was at the start of this unwanted journey.

Is or has your WH been in individual therapy? I feel every WS can benefit from IC to determine the root of their aberrant behavior (the "why" of their cheating); from an armchair psychologist's perspective, it sounds like your WH would have a little more material to work with relative to issues with women, needing female approval/validation, etc. The suicide attempt further underscores this. Reliving maternal rejection/abandonment? You're right; his behavior goes pretty deep. For that reason, I wouldn't even consider R for a nanosecond without him doing some serious work with a therapist. MC at this point would be putting a light coating of spray paint over a severely rusted car...any improvement would be unlikely to hold up over time.

Ultimately, there's danger to overanalyzing his behavior, because at this point it comes down to he cheated. You're correct when you say it's a cop-out for him to say "he doesn't blame me one bit BUT says me nagging him or continously bringing up the past pushes him towards cheating". It's called blame-shifting and if ws's can be said to have certain traits in common, that's got to be on the short list!

If you're not getting IC yourself, that may also be helpful to you in processing all this and moving forward from here.

You'll get through this even though it may not feel likely at this point in time.

[This message edited by sad12008 at 10:37 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3890 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there. I'm glad that you found us for support.

Listen. I don't say this often. I don't like feeling like I should say it to you. But you've only got about 4 years invested in this guy, you are financially solvent, and you can take care of yourself

Walk. Seriously, see a lawyer, file, and walk.

Yeah, it's going to hurt. But it's going to hurt for x-amount of time and then you will get better. Sorta like having a broken bone, having to go thru the agony of having it put back together via surgery, and then the long healing afterwards. Vice having that broken bone, ignoring it while it sets incorrectly, and then having to re-break it, go thru surgery, and then the even longer healing time.

From everything I know about living with a SA and the horribly hard work it takes with someone who actually WANTS to get better, even contemplating it with someone who says

he has announced to me several times, if he wants to cheat he'd find a way

seems like an invitation to have your heart trampled into the mud each and every day.

(((hugs))) Please come back often for support no matter what you decide. We're here for you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
pissed630
♀ New Member
Member # 40087
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your responses. I know there was a lot for you to read but I thank you for taking the time to "listen" to my feelings. I told his family and some of his closest friends. Many of them he is avoiding now because he knows they will get in his butt about me. His family really loves me and pissed at him. The sad part is though that I think his brother and him are both in the same. So I've cried on his shoulder but I think they both do the same b.s. I can't prove it though. Right now I'm just hanging on. I don't cry as much but feel more "guarded". My husband wants to move forward and for me not to bring up the past but every time he messes up that is what he wants to do. To me that solves nothing. I am going to IC and so is he. Actually we have been both going for awhile. He has been going for over a year. He recognized he had a problem with looking and desiring females so he started going but the affair has happened within this year! I've been going to IC for the last 6 months. We started MC two months ago and then I found out. I think that is what makes it even worse. I feel like he wasted my time and the counselor's time if he was going to go out and cheat. He stopped communicating with the chick within a few days of me finding out. The doctor wants me to go on antidepressants because I can't seem to focus and stay on FB just so I can "talk" to people. I don't talk to any friends about it because they are all going to say the same thing, "leave". He "says" he is trying but I don't believe him. I've just decided to focus on myself and take one day at a time. I will continue to go through the posts on the website as I heal and try to come to some conclusion of what to do. Thanks for helping me feel like I am not alone.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Detroit
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone. You have the ability to choose to be happy again. It's a hard road. Respect yourself. Reach out. Seek help. It will bring you closer to those that truly matter.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 770 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Topic Posts: 6

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