Weekends here are a little slow, don't give up hope. There are a few places you can start.
1) The healing library- there are BS and WS FAQ there that are full of information. The link is located in the upper left yellow box.
2) In the I can Relate forum there is a thread for Spouses of Sex Addicts
3) In this forum there are a bunch of threads to read through (they might be a page or two back):
Before you say reconcile
Boundaries and consequences 101
A great post for newbies
Keep reading and posting and asking. You can survive this.
PS- if you break your posts up into paragraphs with spaces it makes them a lot easier to read and follow.
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
I second Chicho's suggestions. In addition to reading in The Healing Library, I found reading posts & responses in the Just Found Out & General forums very beneficial when I was at the start of this unwanted journey.
Is or has your WH been in individual therapy? I feel every WS can benefit from IC to determine the root of their aberrant behavior (the "why" of their cheating); from an armchair psychologist's perspective, it sounds like your WH would have a little more material to work with relative to issues with women, needing female approval/validation, etc. The suicide attempt further underscores this. Reliving maternal rejection/abandonment? You're right; his behavior goes pretty deep. For that reason, I wouldn't even consider R for a nanosecond without him doing some serious work with a therapist. MC at this point would be putting a light coating of spray paint over a severely rusted car...any improvement would be unlikely to hold up over time.
Ultimately, there's danger to overanalyzing his behavior, because at this point it comes down to he cheated. You're correct when you say it's a cop-out for him to say "he doesn't blame me one bit BUT says me nagging him or continously bringing up the past pushes him towards cheating". It's called blame-shifting and if ws's can be said to have certain traits in common, that's got to be on the short list!
If you're not getting IC yourself, that may also be helpful to you in processing all this and moving forward from here.
You'll get through this even though it may not feel likely at this point in time.
[This message edited by sad12008 at 10:37 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]
Listen. I don't say this often. I don't like feeling like I should say it to you. But you've only got about 4 years invested in this guy, you are financially solvent, and you can take care of yourself
Walk. Seriously, see a lawyer, file, and walk.
Yeah, it's going to hurt. But it's going to hurt for x-amount of time and then you will get better. Sorta like having a broken bone, having to go thru the agony of having it put back together via surgery, and then the long healing afterwards. Vice having that broken bone, ignoring it while it sets incorrectly, and then having to re-break it, go thru surgery, and then the even longer healing time.
From everything I know about living with a SA and the horribly hard work it takes with someone who actually WANTS to get better, even contemplating it with someone who says
he has announced to me several times, if he wants to cheat he'd find a way
(((hugs))) Please come back often for support no matter what you decide. We're here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012