I understand that my issue revoles around why I need such "high thrill" arousal and why I sabotage or punish myself by ruining good relationships? It's been a pattern in my life. I thought moving 3000 miles away from my family and friends and previous ONS before my H would make it easier to make better choices. I still made horrible ones.
I am taking steps to secure counseling after recent schedule changes to avoid OP. I don't know. This was kinda a vent, I'd appreciate any insight.
[This message edited by regrettingitall at 9:58 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]
Currently struggling to keep our lives from spinning out of control.
I have been bs, ow, wg, in almost every relationship I've been in. It's a pattern of using men that I set up WAY early in life. I never really cared before my BS. I never cared about hurting others or myself. I had no idea how it affected me. I was lost, deep, in a guilt shame spiral using whatever I thought I needed to get out of it...drugs, shopping, stealing, men.
I'm really working very hard to change those patterns of behavior. It's hard work, but so worth it. You gotta get to the root of what makes you act out. IC can really help that.
Seeing the differences instead of the similarities can be dangerous.
Try not to set yourself apart.
No one on here has the exact same situation.
Don't be too flippant about NC being easy. Stay aware of thoughts and feelings. You never know, have a really shitty day and NC may be a little harder.
"Your secrets keep you sick"
I say that, because my FWH had a ONS. With someone he meant on AFF who meant absolutely nothing to him. Not one damned thing. This is a man that, on the rare occasions that I had a thought about adultery pass through my mind, I was convinced that, should he commit it, it would be with someone that he fell in love with so deeply, that he would try to throw me out of the house, because of his deep love to love someone and be loved. I had boundaries for those "needy" women out there, who he might have KISA tendencies for, because I could not conceive of him trying to make love to someone who did not have a huge place in his heart.
And he went out and tried to screw nameless, faceless women. No connection, no caring, just a, pardon the vulgarity, hairy hole with no name. I apologize if this characterization has been overly offensive.
The point being, that if someone you love can commit so grievous an action against you, not for love, for caring, for tenderness towards another person, but because a nameless, faceless sort of person happened to be "there," then where is any sort of security for him? What does that say about your relationship with him? Is it special? If so, how, if you could give that specialness to essentially a stranger? Someone who meant nothing? What does that say about the sacred nature of your bond with him? Is it all a lie? Are you still looking for faceless, nameless sex? Will you still? Is what the two of you do fall under making love or just having a sexual itch scratched on your part?
These are all questions that I have asked myself. He's probably doing the same. His sense of specialness, of intercourse with you being so very much more than "just" sex, has had mud rubbed into it. Yeah, there is a horror to having the LTA, the meet-up with the old college flame, and so on. But there is also a special horror to having the person that you love give something so sacred to you, to a stranger. For no reason except to scratch an itch.
Please think about that when you're inclined to vent over your BHs inability to see that you are SO done with the AP.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
So I don't think I need to heal from that WS perspective because I haven't had withdrawals
Bzzzz. Wrong. This is actually a pretty big thing you need to look into. Don't dismiss anything here, you can't afford to.
As far as you moving 3000 miles away, you're not getting rid of the problem because its with you anywhere you go. You're trying to escape YOURSELF but think its the environment. This too, needs to be dug into.
Eta: Your A was nothing remarkable or special. It was an EA heading toward a PA, correct? Where's the originality in that? Don't kid yourself here. I think you need a dose of introspection as well as reality.
[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 10:55 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]
My WH also had an A with someone he had no feelings for. He went NC on Dday and now tells me he doesn't think of his AP at all (except when I bring her up).
He tells me he didn't have feelings for her, that she annoyed him. He tells me that She was simply there at the right time. It could have been anyone. He didn't have respect for her.
This is what is killing me. Knowing that he threw our life away for someone he had no feelings for. He didn't even want her as a friend. How can I stay married to someone like that?? What does he really feel for me? If he was so hurtful and uncaring before what has changed since the affair? What has he done to work on himself? How is his thought process different now?
It doesn't matter that you aren't having withdrawal, you still have the same work as every other WS. You still need to be transparent and remorseful. Don't be so proud of not having withdrawal, stop minimizing and own up to your choices. WH is proud that he doesn't have withdrawal from his AP and it makes me question how many other affairs he has had and if he really "gets" how wrong his affair really was.
[This message edited by Zayda1 at 8:58 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
I don't think I need to heal from that WS perspective because I haven't had withdrawals.
Goodness! Withdrawals don't define an affair.
The thinking that set the stage for the first move, the thinking that let you behave as if it was okay to cheat... those define the affair.