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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I have destroyed everything
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct <<<< thanks for the link to Topic: Things that every WS needs to know... I had read it already...but just reread it !! I also read the FAQ's in the Healing Library: From the Betrayed Spouse for the Former Wayward Spouse... SO much really good information and help here. Thanks to everyone !!


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here..

I am glad that you are going to speak to your chaplain..

I find my chaplain friends very non judgmental..

As long as you know/feel in your heart that you are HONESTLY committed to your W for LIFE, there will be patience and perseverance that comes through in your words and actions..

You will DO WHAT IT TAKES AS LONG AS IT TAKES to make her feel safe and secure..

The path to R will be rocky, frustrating, and exhausting but if you both are committed and patient you will grow as people..

It is essential for the both of you to have in real life support..

My thoughts and prayers are with you..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Nov 2011
5674emt
♀ Member
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to see these posts. I am fairly new to SI and you have let me see the other side of my story. My WH has a story much like yours. We are now almost 8 months past DD and I feel his sincerity as you explain yours.
It seems you are sincere and ready to reevaluate what is most important in your life. As a BS, I know your BW will need constant reassurance of fidelity and love. If you do that, it has a good chance of making your R a success.


BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
OW=Xfriend
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doggiediva and 5674emt

Thank you so much for responding...

I think the Chaplain will help.....I know he can...I know I need help....so I can mend my marriage, my life and family. I need to find a way of mending myself too.... I was reading an FAQ in the section about Q's from BS to WS..... something that was said...about it wasnt about what was lacking in my marriage...as I cant think of a single thing. I cant. But it was something that was lacking in me. I dont know what that means...But its all me is what I know. There is nothing that my marriage or BS made me do this.
My wife goes to see a counselor Wednesday.... I know that she can help with the trauma in ways I just cannot right now. I am trying everyday to show her by Action that I am doing what is what I want to do....to help her...
I like someone's signature on here..."Love is an Verb" I think? I started thinking about that.....knowing that words unaccompanied by action mean very little


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Danntonio that has become the "slogan" for our relationship as we try to R. It hurt me for my WH to say that he loved me while he cheated. I responded that love is not an ethereal feeling, it is a verb! Feeling love towards someone is pointless if it is not backed by loving actions. I have followed your post and am glad to see you putting your wife ahead of everything right now and taking ownership. All the best to you both.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Thanks Tripletrouble... I am using that a lot now in my thoughts.... I had never thought of that before in my life. That small quote helps...thanks.

I also read something in the FAQ section about the A being a fake life and not real and a fog of delusion.... I am so new at this ....but I think that seems so clear now....It is NOT a world that I ever want to live in again for many reasons....its destructive, it hurts...its fake and I take full responsibility in its manufacture....hurting so many people. I dont know if what I am reading in the FAQs is right or not...I am too new and finding this reality.....that I dont know.. But it just rings true. There is no one better than my wife...there is nothing better than my home and family. For a shallow selfish reason I let that play out....absolutely trading everything for nothing. I dont know....its F*d up...
Thanks to you and all....

[This message edited by Danntonio at 12:21 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every place I've ever worked has been dysfunctional in a way that promotes infidelity.

It seems a bit ( or a lot) like blame shifting to bring it up, when discussing why a particular person cheated. All work places encourage infidelity. Because the people who work in those workplaces lack the ability to stay faithful. It's not the workplace, it's the people in it and their inability to deal with life on its terms.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone...

I think I said earlier....that I should have never brought that up...i.e. what type of work I do. I can only compare it to when I worked at a university for five years. It seemed like a much healthier environment in many ways.

I take full responsibility for everything I have done. I have been reading about why an A sickened me 15 years ago and I never ever would have even considered it....to now...where its happened...... Ive certainly compartmentalized what I think of 'good me' with what I think is 'bad me'....However, my priority is to my BS.... I know its gong to be so hard....I know its going to hurt for a long long time. But I am going to help her. I love her so much.

Thank you everyone


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
fubar123
♀ New Member
Member # 24970
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound like you are very sorry and love your wife with all your heart, I hope all works out for you both. So many of us on here wanted so much for our spouses to be sorry for the amount of pain and damage they have caused our family, and never got so much as an apology. I have gotten nothing but anger and blame. You are atleast taking responsibility for your actions. All the best to you both. Take care of yourself and each other.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Alberta,Canada
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems a bit ( or a lot) like blame shifting to bring it up, when discussing why a particular person cheated. All work places encourage infidelity. Because the people who work in those workplaces lack the ability to stay faithful. It's not the workplace, it's the people in it and their inability to deal with life on its terms.

Ok, hang on. To ignore that certain professions expose an individual to things that can really affect them is ignorant.

My ex is a firefighter in a city that ranked in the top ten for crime and violence. He's rolled on children beaten or starved because their parents are too drugged out to feed them, shot because they were in the wrong place, DV cases, young runaway overdoses. . He's had guns pulled on him by gang members demanding he save their family member or fellow homey. He's been attacked while trying to save the very person that's attacking him as well as cursed at.

Think that doesn't change you? You bet your ass it does and to chalk that up to blameshifting is ridiculous. It's a simple fact. It doesn't excuse anything or justify it. What it does is enable you to understand that the human mind does things to enable its owner to not go off the rails.

Understanding that and partnering with your wife to share and reach out to her can really help. My ex used to go into his cave mentally and withdraw. Didn't want to talk about it or "bring the ugly" (as he put it, which I thought was a perfect description) home. It creates almost a battlefield mentality.

It wasn't until I started volunteering with DV victims and going on ride alongs with cops that I saw this shit too and we started to share and talk about it. Made a HUGE difference.

You need to do what it takes to get healthy for you. You're in a high stress high adrenalin profession. Chemical overload right there. Cortisol and adrenalin are quite the cocktail. Healthy coping skills and thought processess are critical in dealing with this. They are in any situation, however awareness of the risks of your environment is important in fine tuning those and being hypervigilent.

Be open, honest, transparent, and learn to let go of outcomes. I know the wise BS's gave you very good advice. It's critical you understand, though, if you are doing this only for her you will be failing before you even start.

These changes and work needs to be done regardless of the outcome of the marriage, not to bring about an outcome.

As the old thought processes and coping skills are evicted don't forget to fill that space with new ones. Otherwise you'll have a gaping hole and your tried and true defaults will naturally fill that space. It will feel odd for a while as you adjust. It's so worth it! Painful but so so worth it!!!

[This message edited by uncertainone at 11:31 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

uncertainone & fubar123...thank you..

I have decided that regardless of the outcome of my marriage, I need to renew my thought processes and coping mechanisms... I am trying to read about how I can try to do that. I have another counseling session in a couple weeks...I will bring this up.
In regards to my BW...my primary concern right now is her...and helping her. I am really hoping the counselor can help her see that my behavior is my doing and not hers. I love her so much and telling her that probably doesnt make any sense at all to her....but I tell her that day after day...and tell her how I am going to help...rebuild....regain evrything we had...step by step...
I just talked with her on the phone...she used to see 'bye sweetie, I love you' now nothing....I hurt her so bad.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanna everyone to know I am trying....I met my BW today to do home stuff...and spent five wonderful hours with her.....I love her...
I really am working to make that happen........I have hurt her in the worst way......so low.....I am sorry.... Your smile makes my day....and I am so kicking myself for that.......


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danntonio - I am a BS who just found this site last week. I occasionally read the WS side just to try to get inside the head of a WS to help my understanding.

Your pain and remorse sound genuine to me and I believe that is a huge start. It sounds like you are trying, through both your words and actions, to make reparations with your W. You are also looking "inside" to find why you allowed yourself to make these terrible choices. I commend you for all of that. R is not possible without all of the above. The road is rocky. Two steps forward, one back. Sometimes 5 back... (ugh). R is REALLY hard. I told my H the other day that we both have to fight like h*ll for what we want if we want it to work.

Don't expect support from people who've never been in your situation (you or her). They will never get the complexity of emotions. They will get tired of listening to you. This site is great for getting that "BTDT" feedback, but expect that it can also be harsh at times.

Just keep working at it, and work harder when you feel like you should just give up. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, you will know you tried your hardest and will have healed some of yourself in the process. Pat yourself on the back for the things you are doing right. Look at the small successes and try not to focus on the long term (that one's from my MC)! *hugs*


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 692 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS:
Also wanted to mention that we both found the "5 Love Languages" helpful. And defintitely "How to Help Your Spouse Heal". I am currently reading "After the Affair" - also worth the read. "Not Just Friends" just arrived and is next!

Early on, I read "Forgiveness is a Choice". I found this extremely helpful. Took excerpts out for our extended family which helped them as well. This may be helpful for your W, but I'm not sure how it would be received coming from you?

Good luck!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 692 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also suggest reading "After the affair, healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful" by Janis Abrahms....wonderful insite into what your wife is going through and how you can help her. It is also a wonderful book for the two of you to read because it is written for both the BS and the WS.

Continue doing everything in your power for your wife even if you know she isn't getting it. She is in a horrible place right now and only your consistent, kind, remorseful acts will help her slowly get through the hell.

As a BS, those were the most important things for me to see.

Good luck, it sounds like you truly want to get to the bottom of this.

T (BS)


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH took care of me after dDay and it did help me even later. Because I considered his present treatment of me as the months passed to discern his love and caring.

Actions speak more loudly than words after someone betrays you and lies. Words need to be backed up by consistent action and transparency.

It's also good you are spending time together. I've read that being separated can lengthen the R when that begins because there is less time to interface. But some people need the separation or distance.

Arming yourself with information on how you can help, being sincerely remorseful and actively taking care of your W will go a long way towards helping you both. You are off to a good start.

[This message edited by whattheh at 11:42 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi everyone.. Thank you for your input and book suggestions. A friend of mine also recommended "5 Love Languages"...So thank you !!!

I have obviously been doing a LOT of thinking. To make this 'better' with a simple "I Love You and I will never do it again" would never have worked even if my BS had accepted that. I really need to look at what is wrong with my thinking to allow such an act of betrayal to occur. I never thought of myself as a bad person yet I put in motion the destruction of my wonderful marriage and wife ???? I find it a step forward to come to the realization that there is something more going on in me to allow that to happen...something I need help to address. Professional help is needed. Absolutely essential... If I had not come to see that aspect.... I could not see full success at all.

Thanks again everyone...I hope the best to you all !!


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
ceilingwalker
♂ Member
Member # 39948
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At least you are owning what you did. I wish my wife would. Been one month since I walked in on her and another man, in my bed. She still insists that it is all my fault. She will "say" it is both of our fault but the finger is continually waved in my face. Oddly enough, I am the one kissing her ass to try to keep our family together. That was my first clue that I needed help, that's insane that the BS kisses the WS's ass! Give your BS any and all access to your things and expect uncomfortable questions, be open and most of all, honest. Your BS will experience moments of rage, roll with it and know that you have just changed how they view the world. This is a very big deal!


My handle is a name my grandpa gave me (ceilingwalker) because he used to tell me I drive him up the wall. LOL

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phoenix
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ceilingwalker... Thank you. I am doing what think is the only right thing to do..take ownership of the destruction I caused. I know that I changed the way she views the world.....I made her view pretty damned dismal. My job to make it beautiful again one day.

Thanks for sharing your story....and I wish you well in your recovery from that. I do.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi..
I asked my BS out to a movie tonight...and we did... It was good. I also told her the OW texted me a few times...and I gave her my phone. I told her that I have NO CONTACT with her(and it showed by the text). I asked her what she wanted me to do. We are deciding what to do. She asked me that I only let her know when she texts or whatever and I said absolutely...my phone will never be locked...you have access to everything....I will draft a response and send it to you and then her if you approve. No locked boxes or hidden folders or anything. I love my BS so much..my wife and I am so sorry..I will fix this and me and make things better...I so promise...you, myself, my family...
Thanks to all...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Topic Posts: 154
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