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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I have destroyed everything
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be patient with her. Make sure she gets the support she needs with a counselor and or trusted friend. Don't stop apologizing. Get yourself some help. Read "how to help your spouse recover from your affair." (Amazon) give your spouse access to your email and cell phone and any other method of contact you were in with that person. Send a no contact letter with your wife to that person.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 892 | Registered: Jun 2013
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Rivenheart / womaninflux
Day by day....I am trying to take the right steps...NO CONTACT with the OW is already done....I told her that too..."my support is with my wife and our marriage and none for you".
I know nothing about therapy...I was too ignorant to think I didnt need it........ I will go to therapy....and take suggestions from them......
Thank you both for offering help.......
I am sorry BS...I am so sorry and was so wrong for hurting you...I am going to try to help this


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would you be willing to share your thoughts as to why you did it? And why you think your environment had a negative influence on you?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why? A long time ago...when I was married to my first wife (did not end thru Betrayal) I worked at a university in research. It was a very professional environment. I became friends with one women who started telling me about her personal life etc and finally ended up asking me to have an affair. I felt sick to my stomach and said NO I would never do that..and we never talked again. After I became employed with law-enforcement....where it seemed it was just dysfunction day in and day out. It seemed normal for people to gossip about who was sleeping with whom. It seemed normal to openly talk about sex and sleeping with other people....... This dysfunction came to be a day to day thing. I never talked or thought like that when I worked at the university. There is an endless amount of time to talk to people....meet for coffee...socialize... There isnt much to do if nothing is happening. There is a high level of stress at certain points....and what would be horrific to people not in this arena....becomes a joke to many of us. I am not blaming my job...please...I am just saying that it is very dysfunctional and can twist reality very negatively. I was never very flirty or anything like that....but I started to become that way....very flirty...and it seemed all well and fine amongst my colleagues. And .... it fed my ego to have positive replies to my flirting....and one day the OW said "I have an open marriage"....and thats where it began. I dont know how my morality became so twisted to think it was right.....but it did. I KNOW this is totally wrong....I need to mend this for myself and my BS. Today I received an email from her. She told me that she will attend counseling as I said yesterday...and she HOPES that it will shed light on something ....the smallest bit to hold on to and rebuild. She said she is not offering false promises....but she said she is willing to try. I love you so much and I am so sorry....I am trying to feel your pain.... I am going to try and make this better.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly! You just verified exactly what I have been telling people, and nobody ever believes me! I'm not making excuses for it, but everything you are saying is true.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again....I made my own terrible choices. I am at fault.

My BW is on her way home from visiting with family right now. She has kept the door open to see if we can regain what I burned. I am staying here tonight and then to my dad's down the road. I bought her a plant and left a note beside it..."I hope you take this plant and water it every day....and as you do you will see it grows into beautiful flowers.... As I am going to do with us if you let me try one day....I love you so much...I hurt you so bad....I want to help rebuild everything I have shattered...I love you"

Thank you for all your advice.... Thank you...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure what day it is.....BS came home from her visiting her family in Calgary...Cousin and sister...She liked the fries and hamburger I bought her...there were some home shows on tv we had on...although I wasnt paying an attention...I told her what stuff I had got done in regards to our renos..and to look out for the wasp nest in out jacuzzi out back..... I told her I would gather some clothes and go to my sisters/dads tomorrow.....after a while.....I hugged her and we held each and cried.

Day by day....trying...counseling in a couple days.....I look at her beauty and wonder why??? She is the sweetest person I have ever known...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 31st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my BS is home alone ....I am not too far at my dad's. I keep telling I love her....I keep telling her I am so sorry for lying and betraying her. I am going to counseling tomorrow afternoon. I hope this is a step towards righting everything that I have done wrong. I am determined....I love her and our life.

I will let you know what the outcome of the session is..I really have no idea on what to expect?

[This message edited by Danntonio at 8:08 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My poor BW.....whom I have hurt so badly...to me that....she doesnt hate me....but she hates what I did to her...our family.....the way she feels..the despair...the loss...the emptiness.....she hates the idea of a future without me.....
I am so sorry....my beautiful wife...I am.

Does anyone have suggestions for how I should respond? I feel so terrible...and I need to make her feel better....

Thank you...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Went to counseling....Day 1.. I filled out a short questionnaire about this and that.... She brought me into a comfortable room....After talking with her for a while I became more comfortable..... Some of the issues that came up:

1) I was completely faithful in my initial marriage of 13 or so... What happened?
2) I started a relationship with a woman I met on my law-enforcement training...whom I was faithful with.... We delved into swinging a bit....not much....but we did do it. My gf and I broke up for unknown reasons....
3) I continued dating...on dating sights and so forth...and when I met my BS...I was into full dating mode.....dating lotsa people was okay...sheesh I had done swinging a bit....
4) met BS and decided she was the one I wanted most.....but I never kicked the dating mode.... flirting continued at work.....I didnt flirt like that when I first started at work.....and even when I met the BS.....it seemed okay to do that and more...(although I wasnt unfaithful...I might as well have put a card outside my door saying....free to play).....I married BS....I love her so much......I am 100 wrong..... but we swinged too....for a couple years...not much...and then she wanted to stop........but I continued to think I was in a swinging playing way....WTF??????? The therapist is right....I have been acting like I have been in a single dating mode........NOT like I am a married committed man....

She gave me an activity to do until our next session......write down all the things that come to mind ...when you think about committed marriage.....

My BS is also going to see her this coming week......I hope it works.....

BTW...I have cut ties......completely as I said a few posts ago.....I have undone the lock on my phone...and I will give her access to all my accounts....the Therapist said that my words mean NOTHING....my ACTIONS are the ONLY thing that can make a difference......the only thing...and SHE is in the drivers seat... Ask HER what I can do for her...or what she wants me to do....

I am trying...I love my wife so much....I do I do


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danntonio:

You've posted a lot in a relatively short period. While I'm very thrilled to see you getting the most out of this site and working through your problems in a very open way, consider that the pain you're going through is very fresh because of how recent it is. Hell, it sounds as if you're in a bit of shock yourself.

Just be gentle with yourself and with her. Don't try to control, and don't try to force things to go a certain way. You've already done the damage, now you have to wait the collateral damage out. Do you think you can handle it?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 797 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KBeguile...thanks man...I just need to talk I guess....yes I am in shock....
I am ready for any fallout...I am..... I love my wife too much...to not be able to accept responsibility for what I have done.....Thank you


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was completely faithful in my initial marriage of 13 or so... What happened?
OK, so yeah, what did happen?
My gf and I broke up for unknown reasons....
there had to be a reason...
.it seemed okay to do that and more...(although I wasnt unfaithful...I might as well have put a card outside my door saying....free to play)..
why? What changed to make it seem OK?
I am 100 wrong..... but
careful here... watch out for these buts. This indicates, to me at least, that you don't fully own the responsibility of your actions.
she wanted to stop........but I continued to think I was in a swinging playing way.
so she wanted to stop, but you didn't?and did you continue to internalize these feelings? How did that make you feel? Do you think this began a deep seated cultivation of resentment on your part?

Gently now, I see a pattern here throughout your history. It seems you have historically felt a victim of circumstance, and have not fully owned your involvement in these events. This is where you need to start, by taking ownership of your actions, and in turn of how they have impacted your current wayward thinking and the choices you have made. By doing so, you will be able to identify what you need to change, and the proper steps to take in order to truly heal, and learn to live an honest and authentic life. After all you cannot truly be authentic, if you aren't being fully honest with yourself now, can you?

I think you are on the right track, and your heart seems to be in the right place, just know that this whole process is a giant rollercoaster, and you may be in for quite a ride.

Keep on posting, reading, writing, and learning. Remember when you've got your cranium jammed up your backside, folks here will call you out on it, but also point you in the right direction to pull out, and when you get it right, folks will be supportive. best of luck to you, Danntonio!

(Edited for typos)

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 11:04 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 507 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CinnamonGurl

1. What happened and what changed between my first marriage the person I became? I dont know.
2. Second gf: I asked her one day "hey you dont look happy...dont you want this anymore?" She said I dont know what I want and left the next day. We had not fought or done anything else. However we did do soft swinging and I now think that is not keeping in what a monogamous relation should entail. I am NOT blaming anyone but myself. I made my own choices.
3. I dont know why I kept on in a dating frame of mind once we broke up. Being on dating sites and that sort of thing seemed to change the way I viewed relationships....and NOT for the better...
4. Responsibility: I am accepting full blame. I am going to address my relationship/marital/personal issues with the help of reading, talking, the help of as much counseling I need....I need to do this for myself and my wife and family. I cannot live like this. I am not happy with myself as I examine my behavior more and more.
I thank everyone for your help and time.

[This message edited by Danntonio at 10:13 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone ... I called my BW before i came jome from work..... I told her i would stop home to help her with something... I did ... we tslked ... i apologized agsin to hurting us ... it hurts do bad ... these cuts run deep... Later I asked my BS if she wanted supper tonight ... I could pick her up something... So she said yes ... Was there fur a couple hours ... Talking about general stuff... Great ... Something on the news came on about cheating Hollywood stars... I said great timing ET.. I changed the channel when she said she didn't want to hear that ... I again told her and cried I am going to do everything I can to make this right ... I love her so.. ...

I also made an official request to transfer squads...

I am not religious but the chaplain I know ... Wrote me a note and we are going to meet ...

Thank you everyone


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dantonio, I pointed out these things because I feel that they warrant some deep thinking. I don't need an answer, I think you do. And the only way to find these answers is to dig deep within yourself and begin some serious soul searching. Best of luck to you.


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 507 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just an FYI to those of you that have posted about the work place/community you are in having an influence on infidelity. There is a section in "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass about that. You may think that people don't believe its real-but research shows otherwise. Check it out.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you CinnamonGurl....

I guess I was just trying answer them myself....I am trying to be the absolute best I can be...to I am not MAD at getting 'caught'....this was/is a huge issue in my life that caused a lot of people deep pain. I DO need to investigate this... I have cried to my dad....many times telling him over and over...I am sorry.."this is not the person I KNOW you raised me to be" I know that....I can remember when I knew it was WRONG....now I have hurt a woman I love so much....I need to find out why I made those choices......

Thank you


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks canteat re: Not Just Friends by Shirly Glass. I am trying to get a hold of that book. Another member pointed me in that direction already.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read this too:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460

If you reply to it - even; "bump", it will re-appear on the 1st page of the WW forum.
(You might help others who don't know of it right now)
Good luck.


Posts: 6581 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 154
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