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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I have destroyed everything
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tripletrouble
Thank you...I just downloaded that book and am reading now.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Tripletrouble....I just finished reading that book..... That was very good.....I will use it as a guide......

To my BW: I am so sorry....I am sorry for hurting you so much. I will do whatever I can to help, to make you feel better...I am hoping you keep that door open...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you found it helpful. I think one of the greatest mistakes the wayward spouse makes in the days, weeks, and months following d day is to withhold facts or outright lie to minimize their spouse's pain or to save their own skin (referred to here as trickle truth). Don't do it. Again, don't do it. Those lies will haunt you both. Get the truth out there, no matter how ugly. I promise you this is critical. For what it's worth, I was dead set against even considering staying for about 2-3 weeks, but we are now working on it. Good luck to you and your wife.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 633 | Registered: May 2013
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Tripletrouble !!!

I only wish I could give the support I am getting in here to her. I am certainly not minimizing anything...I have profoundly apologized..... She did allow me to hug her today while she cried. She told me she was going away for a few days....perhaps visit her family. She told me the house has too many memories and dreams....and she thinks selling it is best. I hope I can help fix this huge mistake I have made. Thanks to all of you


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
FaithStricken
♀ Member
Member # 34080
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS with a very remorseful WS and successful reconciliation (4.5 yrs out from D-day) here are some things I can say were important to me.

Be transparent ... even when you aren't specifically asked to be. This could mean providing phone records, passwords, sticking to a schedule, texting/calling with your whereabouts, don't lie, omit or minimize any details of your affair. Be truthful and take responsibility for your choices and actions.

I also needed my FWH to specifically acknowledge exactly how his betrayal affected me, our family and himself. "I'm sorry" is lame whereas I'm sorry for something specific is much more meaningful (Ex. risking your physical health, not being the man I promised to be, etc).

Furthermore, your actions will matter. Counseling, switching squads, patience, humility, helpfulness and unselfishness(chores, gestures of kindness)could be important.

I hope it works for you and your BW.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2011
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"not just friends" by shirley glass is another book you can read. It addresses "the slippery slope" of how work relationships/friendships can cross the line. It sounds like you want to learn everything you can so I thought I would offer this up. It might be geared more towards the BS but there is info there that might offer you some insight. *hugs*
(ha! you are the first wayward i've *hugged* so you must be doing something right!)


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi FaithStricken and Canteat..
I have read about being sorry for specifics...Thank you for reminding me of that. I am reading whatever I can for my own glimmer of hope....a hope that my BW will see or give me one day again. It truly makes me absolutely sick at how much pain I just so selfishly gave her. One minute things were good and the next shattered beyond comprehension. I have been reading about the emotions one goes through....what I did was so terrible and I did NOT even think about that...so stupid and selfish.

Thank you for the name of the "not just friends" book. I will see where I can find it. Thats okay if its more for the BS....I can learn from it too...I really need to see the other side of this betrayel as I so selfishly didnt consider.

Thank you for the hug...I am going to try my best.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to chime in here as a BW and re-emphasize the critical importance of preparing that timeline with everything in it and of not hiding One Single Thing thinking that you don't want to hurt your BW more, that she will never find out, or that you're too embarrassed to admit to X.

Don't do that. Don't go down that road.

My FWH and I were at the promised land. We had just over a year of R in where he was doing everything right. Showing remorse, attending IC, MC, never shying away when I triggered, holding me when needed, backing off when needed. I thought that I had the model spouse, the model R, and was going to the model life. Trust was back, love was back, life was good.

Then I found the stash of porn that he had hidden from me for that year. And when I found it, he told me that he hid it from me even thought he knew it would hurt me, but he thought that I'd never find it.

We went back to day 1. Actually, we went worse than day 1. I left him. I walked out while he was at class and left him a You Win, Fuck Who You Want note on the door. And I was only coming back to throw him out of the house and finalize our separation agreement. It took some drastic action from him for me to be here now. We're still working on my having lost all trust in him.

Let this be a cautionary tale to you. Tell everything. Hold nothing back. Be truthful. Don't leave your partner behind. Best of luck.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4719 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashamed I am..... thank you for replying to my post Skan

She has not asked me about details yet......I know I dont want to answer those difficult questions....but I KNOW....to lie about about them is a guarantee for failure... I am trying to clean up everything I messed up......I understand that.....I have porn on my computer.....I am deleting....as I know it cant be healthy......I deleted friends from Facebook.....I have made counseling appts.....I am going to make this my purpose in life to make my wife feel as secure and happy as she can......I am going to try.......I love her so much.....and I feel like such a piece of garbage.....I am not looking for pity...sympathy...I am looking for answers....criticism...anything


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danntonio, Firstly, I'm glad to see you here asking for advice and most importantly acting on it. It's a good sign, keep it up.


First and foremost you must dig into yourself and work out what it was inside you that allowed you to betray someone you say you love. What was it that you told yourself to make that an OK thing to do. Right now, that is probably the most important thing you can be doing for yourself and your BW - I'm glad to see that you've already started on that path by setting up counseling. Your BW needs to see how seriously you are taking this and how hard you are working to find out what is broken inside you - telling her you are working on it won't work - but her seeing your actions on this will be invaluable - so follow through on this.


Try to show your wife how much you love her and want her too - act on what you have read in How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. If your wife does give you the chance to work on R with her, try to find out what her love language is, if she will let you, and show her love in the language that means the most to her. You can read all about that in this book;


The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman.


..and finally, even if your wife hasn't asked for details yet - there is a good probability that if she does decide to try to R with you, that she will in the future. Plan for this now by following the excellent advice that Rivenheart gave you earlier in this thread:


If she doesn't ask for information immediately, don't offer anything up, but don't bury the memories. In fact, right now you should be working on a written timeline of your affair and surrounding activities. Make it as detailed as you possibly can. Include times, dates, places, activities, partners, your thoughts and feelings as you recall them, lies you told to cover it up, who knew about it, etc. Let her know you're doing it, both to aid in your own therapy, and because you want her to have the full facts when she's ready to know them. This also really, really important. Don't shirk this one.


I wish you well Danntonio, you seen to have woken up fast and are being pro-active. Because of that I do hope your wife gives you a chance to help her heal and to R your marriage. Good Luck.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
rivenheart
♀ Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might want to hold off on deleting stuff. I don't know; it's a tough call. Deleting can look like hiding/lying to a newly BS. Truth is, in some ways any action the WS takes can feel like the wrong thing to do from the BS's perspective when so close to d-day. Except telling the truth, of course. Never lie.

I second the recommendation that you establish transparency in everything for your BW. If you can, take pictures of yourself throughout the day that show where you are, who you're with. Send them to her. Eliminate one set of doubts, a level of uncertainty in her mind. Uncertainty about your day to day is the last thing she needs right now. Give her your passwords to everything.

One other thing. It is very typical for a BS to not feel anger/rage towards the WS soon after d-day. Very often they only feel utterly crushed and broken. Often all the rage is directed at the AP. It's really, really important that you never - in any way - defend the AP or even slightly appear to take her side against your BW. You may want to deflect all blame and culpability onto yourself. That's noble, but it doesn't matter right now. You may fear your BW will expose or confront the AP. That doesn't matter right now. What's absolutely critical is that you never give her ANY reason to feel that you have the smallest shred of loyalty to AP. Let your BW feel all the rage she's going to feel towards the AP. She has a right to it. And you owe AP nothing, and your BW should never see you sparing one iota of concern for her. Of course, don't shift blame onto AP either. Admit that you were both wrong, both guilty, but your betrayal was the bigger one, because you were the one who promised to love and be faithful to BW.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rivenheart and Sinsofthefather.... Thank you for your help.

Deleting things.....I want to get rid of anything that reminds my BW about what happened. She has already started doing that. I think I have ensured that the last ten months of her life was a lie... I need to make sure that everyday after this is complete truth. Thank you...she is texting me from her cousin's place and sending me emails so...I hope the communication continues.

I started a journal here on this site. I can use that as a timeline and give it to her if she asks.

I love you so much...and I have hurt you in the deepest way I could have. I am sorry for lying and cheating and causing this trauma to you and our families. I take full responsibility for everything I have done. Our marriage was a beautiful garden...and I cherish the smallest hope that I can help it flourish again. I do...I love you so much.

Thanks for your advice and support....really


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another day of sending my BS emails and texts telling her how much I love her so much. Telling her how I am taking steps.... I told her I now have my appt with a EAP counselor on Thursday....at 1330. She told me today in an email that we should continue to do the renos to our house...but she didnt say that we should sell it asap as she did post-D-Day... she said we can just get those done and see. She also said she would go to counseling on her own right now... so I immediately got her a referral as well. She told me she keeps reading my I love you's over and over but so far...what words were once cherished....they are not to be believed now. She also said that with action perhaps they will....but she isnt sure on whether that will help. I also told her that I am securing a place for me to live to give her the space and time...and she thanked me...
I am putting this in my journal...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't saying you shouldn't have mentioned your career. I'm glad you did. I've been saying that there is something about law enforcement that seems to breed that type of behavior, and nobody believes me.

Have you ended things with the OW? Do you still work with the OW?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3311 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkysable...thank you

Yes...absolutely ended it. I avoid everything she has done to communicate to me. The other day at work she came in to talk. I told her "what I did was absolutely wrong. I am blaming nobody but myself. I have turned to my few good friends to for support. I have no support for you." She said "oh...so I get it...I am the disposable one?!" I said "I am 1000% giving whatever it takes to fix my relationship with my BS....and that is where all of my support is going". She said she was going to transfer out. I told my BS that I would go to a different crew or transfer out...whatever it would take. Its my behavior though that is wrong.....I need to fix something and address it. I made the counseling appt to try and shed light on how to rebuild what a healthy decent person is composed of.
My BS texted me today and told me that she misses us...our home...our dreams.....me and her. It made me cry so hard..... I need her and I need to rebuild everything with her...I am so sorry for being a liar..a cheater...a morally corrupt partner.


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not blaming law-enforcement or my job on my behavior. Not one bit....I made very poor decisions. Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement: A Guide for Officers and Their Families by Kevin Gilmartin is a book that is very helpful...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read something in The Healing Library in an article by Erica...."You must communicate what you are feeling no matter how crazy it sounds...they can't read our minds. I wanted my husband to say my name...not pet names that could apply to anyone. He had to be soft and gentle."

I have been using my BS name...nothing else. I am trying to direct my words to her.... She is still away for a few more days....I am going to stay at my parents down the road a bit....for a while.....so I am close... I want her to know that I am so intent on trying to heal what I have done.....to make sure she knows I love her so....so much...and how wrong I was... That I am addressing what is wrong with my behavior....

I'm sorry if my post has become more of me rambling on.....but it seems to help. I am trying to do the right thing....I am very sorry to every person out there who has been hurt by people like me. I am sorry to my family. I am so sorry to my beautiful BS.... I love you so much !!


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
jsmith032077
♂ New Member
Member # 39726
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danntonio, I think your posts are great, and as long as they are helping you then keep on doing it. As long as you are completely honest with your BS then I think you are so far doing all the right things. You're doing everything that I wish my WW would have done from the beginning. If she had we would be much further along in our R. Its going to hurt and it might have a horrible outcome, but I feel you need to tell her every detail she asks for. If you hold back anything or anything comes out later you'll be right back at square one.

You seem to be truly sorry for what you have done and willing to do anything to make this as right as it can be. I hope everything turns out good for you.


ME: 36
WW: 32

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2013
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question... I am so happy that my BS....has supported my counseling appts I have arranged.... She thinks it might be better to go to the same counselor....so we can go together at some point...

When do/should we go together?

Thanks,


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
rivenheart
♀ Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When do/should we go together?

Let the counselor and BW make that decision between the two of them.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
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