I have been married for 26 years and have 2 kids. To make a long story short, within the past few months I discovered that my husband has basically cleaned out his retirement account, opened a secret bank account 3 years ago, bought a boat, and has registered with numerous online sex/dating/escort websites within the past year. He doesn't know that I know about any of this. Iím not putting all the blame on him as I know it takes two to make a marriage, but Iím also not taking the blame for his actions, only my own. I just feel so alone and need some advice.
Our marriage has been strictly platonic for almost 10 years. I had a hysterectomy in 2004 and then suffered serious migraines and developed Fibromyalgia. Unfortunately I could not do hormone replacement therapy, and loss of libido was a result. We have been more or less like roommates and friends since then. I thought we were both relatively OK with the status quo, but apparently I was wrong. I know most of you can't understand the "no sex" thing and will condemn me for it, and on one level I get it. However, I've been a great wife and mother in all other ways, and we've always been best friends. But now he's told SO many lies in trying to cover up the things he's done. Wiped out his retirement, opened secret bank account, secret credit card, secret email account, etc. I'm not sure I would ever be able to trust him again.
I just don't know what to do. Do I confront him with all of my proof of his financial infidelity? I don't honestly think he's yet committed physical infidelity, but he's definitely been mentally cheating since he's registered on single dating and sex websites. This is completely eating me up. Our daughter is getting married at the end of August, so I don't want to do anything until after that. I will not ruin her wedding!!
I know how unfair it has been for him regarding being in a sexless marriage, so I never said anything about the porn. I get it. However, we have never actually had a conversation about it. I didnít realize until recently how superficial and letís-sweep-everything-under-the-rug weíve become. We generally get along fine. He doesn't act like he wants a divorce, we talk about things we want to do when we retire, etc, like he has no plans to leave or anything.
I need help and advice! What should I do?
DO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS!!! Any of it.
Marital issues are one thing, infidelity is another - and you've got financial infidelity on top of this.
***Sorry, hit Submit too soon!
You are not alone here. I would wait for others to come by with advice about showing him the evidence, as he's likely to deny everything. I also wouldn't be too sure that he hasn't met up with anyone physically. I know it's scary to think about, but most of these case-scenarios lead there and that piece is just harder to prove.
Take care of yourself and keep posting. This is NOT your fault. We're here for you to give you strength and get you where you need to go.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 4:55 PM, July 26th (Friday)]
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
I don't honestly think he's yet committed physical infidelity
He is either spending all his money on prostitutes, or possibly setting up an apartment with a mistress, or an apartment for himself possibly planning his getaway to possibly divorce.
It is terribly important for you to see a lawyer immediately. Like yesterday. Please please protect yourself. I understand that you do not want to upset the apple cart before the wedding, and that is probably wise. BUT, you must see a lawyer and start gathering any and all evidence of what he is doing.
Also start gathering all financial info. Make copies of everything. Do not let your H know what you are doing. Be extremely careful.
See your doc for a mild tranquilizer to keep you calm while dealing with this.
See a lawyer. See a lawyer. See a lawyer.
I am so sorry.
Oh, and quit taking the blame for your husbands actions. If he was unhappy with the marriage, he should have addressed it with you openly rather than sneaking around.
Copy all the financial documents you can find. Try and get some of the money into an account only you can access. Get out of all joint credit cards.
You need to stop the bleeding and you need to do it NOW. Do not wait. He will leave you with nothing.
If you don't think he's actually cheated - exactly what DO you think he's doing?
As for him being at work M-F 9-5 - believe me, he can get away from work without your knowing - there are always meetings where he can't answer the phone - vacation days he doesn't tell you about.
Don't think just because he's home every night or that his routine hasn't changed - means anything. If he's determined - he'll find a way.
Your question about signing up for sex sites and whether or not its cheating - I would say its deceitful behavior and which will escalate.
Please take everyone's advice - see a lawyer.
It's cheating. And he has just blown your retirement. You are in deep trouble. You really need to see a lawyer right now, lay out all of your evidence, and do what the lawyer says to do or you are likely going to find yourself pennyless. I cannot stress this enough right now, as much as your heart is bleeding over your sexual betrayal, you need to take care of the financial infidelity that he has committed ASAP, upcoming wedding or not. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012