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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Really confused
fubar123
♀ New Member
Member # 24970
Sad  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was on this site 2 years ago when I just found out. My hubby has cheated and lied throughout our whole 23 year marriage. When my neighbor came to my door telling me that my husband has been showing himself to his wife through the window, that was the last straw. I woke up the next morning and relized that I didn't want to live anymore, I knew it was time to get the hell out. I am confused as to why I still hurt after everything that he has put me through, and why I think I still love him, I am now in a new relationship and have honestly NEVER been treated better in my whole life.Another thing I am sooo confused about is that I have never so much as held someone elses hand, never mind cheat. Now my husband is so filled with anger towards me for leaving, he almost hates me, I think. I am the kind of person who can't stand it when someone is mad at me.(I must be nuts) What gives him the right to be mad at me for wanting a better life? Even though I caught him redhanded more than once, why can he not help me heal by saying he is sorry. Am I wrong for wanting him to admit how badly he has hurt and damaged me? Please help.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Alberta,Canada
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI Fubar,

We share some of the same feelings. And I've written on SI some of the same questions. So I will try to respond and be not so long as usual.

A few things come to mind. Some have told me-in virtual life-that nearly Exh is angry in general and doesn't hide it when he interacts with me. He made these awful decisions for his life and self. Some are working and some are not and so anger is coming across at me as he also doesn't feel the need to "protect me" or "keep the peace" like when he lived here.

Another aspect is that he is a passive aggressive and now that he is not near me physically, he feels free to lash out. He didn't have the guts when he lived here to just tell me what he felt and thought an bottled it up, as is his way, but now that he hides behind electronics and lawyers and other people, he feels like "big man", it's a feeling as if he thinks he got away with something. He also has OW and family to urge him on.

Some people also tell me it may be because you don't put up with his shenanigans anymore and neither do I. The blinders are off now for us and they know that and may not like it because we can't be tricked anymore.

I don't think you're wrong for wanting your WH to admit he hurt you, I did too. I finally heard it over cyber space and also receive "I'm sorry's", but FWIW the words feel hollow and meaningless when he is still changing our lives and could stop it.

When he knew the pain he would cause and left anyway, no amount of "I'm sorry" is going to be a big enough band aid now and it's strange to admit that, because I ached to hear the words, too.

Yes, I've felt like nearly Exh must hate me also, but you know hate would mean he put towards me some kind of emotion and thought and I think he probably doesn't even think of me in the least. He probably hates hearing from me if he does, but hate would be investing emotion in me and I don't think he's capable or caring enough to hate me...that would take effort.

I'm sorry that your WH is showing anger and hope you can figure out how to brush it off quicker. I can't say that nearly Exh's anger doesn't bug me, but I'm getting better at getting past the emotion it brings me and getting over it sooner.

I don't know if I helped at all and sorry I wrote so much, but I read a lot of similarities in your post and some I've written. Sorry if I repeated, my brain is foggy.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
fubar123
♀ New Member
Member # 24970
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much Ashland. your words helped alot. I think I understand all the anger a little better. I just have to convince myself that it was ok for me to leave, and that none of us derserve treatment like that. thank you for your help. best of luck.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Alberta,Canada
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the hardest lesssons I had to learn was that my XH's complete lack of remorse was a reflection on what kind of a person he is. Not a reflection on me or what I am worth.

I think it's normal to want him to apologize and be sorry for hurting you. But waiting around for it to happen is giving him power over you.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49406 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was beautifully put dck - thank you. Even as far out from it as I am, it was wonderful to hear.

...my XH's complete lack of remorse was a reflection on what kind of a person he is. Not a reflection on me or what I am worth.

Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What gives him the right to be mad at me for wanting a better life?

It isn't a right - it is his attempt to keep control. You said it yourself -you hate it when people are mad at you...He knows that. He is just trying to push that button again.

It will confuse and frustrate him that it no longer works, because what you are describing is a man without empathy. He can't be happy for you - your feelings don't really matter - only his do.

fubar - that is never going to make sense to you. You aren't going to get it, cause you aren't built that way. You know how I know? You are struggling and confused to feel residual loyalty to someone who you loved, even after learning he was a liar and cheat. That's the mark of a normal human being, working her way through this mirror maze of infidelity. When you hit indifference you'll know you've come out the other side of the maze.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4099 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
fubar123
♀ New Member
Member # 24970
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you all for your kind words, feel better already.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Alberta,Canada
eyesrnowopen
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Member # 39055
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the same questions. How do you hit indifference? What is wrong with me that I can't get there after all the cheating lying and disrespect why can't I let go ?


This is the work within, having control over the outcome of our lives. Robert Bly refers to this as “Warrior work.” A warrior fights for a cause, something he believes in. As opposed to a soldier who merely fights for control – power or profit.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ashland13
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Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of the letting go I've been working on is to accept.

I have to let my thinking become kind of abstract, "out of the box", because nearly ExH was in this box in my mind and on a very high pedestal. It was both of our faults...me for being naïve and him for being deceitful...and stupid.

Once I could accept that he is not the person I thought, I could begin to clear my head.

I think I was in a state of fog for a long time, not wanting to believe things people were saying and I was seeing on the computer, but it was right there...he did it, really and truly, did it...the shock is so tremendous that sometimes it took people actually yelling at me because they were worried he would hurt me/us again.

Something that hit me like a stone on the head, is to realize that just because I am faithful, doesn't mean he was doing it back. It was a little naïve of me to think that I would be treated as I wanted to, I know that now.

I don't know why people change and yet I do and I think it's because I don't understand the levels of selfishness that it truly takes to simply and completely just...walk away.

I find that I cannot understand actions that I would not do myself.

I am glad for your new relationship, Fubar, and hope it will go the way you hope.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
fubar123
♀ New Member
Member # 24970
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so very much Ashland, Im so cofused right cuz the man that I knew(thought I knew)has never raised his voice to me or the kids in 23 years of marriage but now all he does is yell and swear and call me down.But thru your experiences I will try very hard to learn to accept that I did nothing to cause all this hatered. he did it to himself by lying,being sneaky and cheating. thanx again.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Alberta,Canada
Kajem
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Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acceptance is a process. For me, it started when I really absorbed the fact that I had/have no control over his choices.
XH got angry when I started making my own choices and stopped engaging in his drama.

The. Another realization hit: I am not responsible for him being mad, that is his choice. He always chose anger, but I could choose to walk away. And when I did-WOW I felt so empowered.

My mantra from that time was "He will either get over it or die angry, it's his choice". And it is.

Hugs.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
fubar123
♀ New Member
Member # 24970
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Kajem, your words are so true. It is his choice, just like he made the choice to lie and cheat.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Alberta,Canada
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